pothole

Today, for the first time in a long while, I thought seriously about my options at work. I'm not an irrational person, but I am emotional and I take a lot of things quite seriously. The last time I thought maybe it was time for me to move on to perhaps another job, I was unhappy with the person I had to work for. In my eyes he was totally inept at management and only entertaining at best as a colleague. An attention-seeker and a failure at blagging - his only redeeming feature in my eyes was that he was more astute than he looked. It's hard to work for someone who you cannot respect.

Today, I felt it again. The little voice in my head saying, "are you sure you want to be here? you can do better than this. there are other opportunities waiting for you."
In the space of 2 minutes, this can happen. I have been criticised for taking too long to respond to a question. But my defense is that it's because I try and think about the consequences of my answers. It doesn't take a lot to knock the balance of a positive or negative outcome to any response you might give to even the most simple of questions. It's all a question of delivery. Location, wording, timing. It all matters. In maybe a minute or less you can fuck up so badly that everything goes wrong.

My point is this: when my manager gave me a piece of news today, it irreversibly changed the way I felt about my job, about the management, about my worth. When he intended this or not (I doubt it) I felt demotivated and undervalued. I felt reduced to an employee number in a very short space of time. I began to question my loyalty, felt somewhat bitter, angry and also upset. It's strange isn't it?

Some hours (and a fair few cocktails) later, I feel somewhat more rational. I have two days off work. I can think about how much it all means to me. I can think about my plan of action. I have an hour session in a floatation tank tomorrow. That's plenty of time to think about what I want to do. I will never stop being an emotional person. I will never be able to be ruthless in the workplace. But at least I can be rational and try and do what I believe to be the right thing in my own way.

Choices again. It always seems to be all about making choices. If only I could turn to page 281 to find out the outcome.

Toothbrush Thief

I don't understand. I live in a house of four people. Occasionally there are six people, when my parents come down on a Monday to visit. So, how is it that in our bathroom, there are ten toothbrushes? Who are these four other mystery residents?
I've noticed recently that somebody keeps moving my toothbrush from it's rightful place in the Toothbrush Dinosaur. I raised this issue at the dinner table last week and no one owned up to the dirty deed.
Well ok, that all sounds pretty petty. What does it really matter anyway? However, in the hours between me getting up yesterday and getting back home (maybe 7.30am to 2pm), my toothbrush VANISHED! It is nowhere to be seen and I was forced to use a new one last night. Who stole my toothbrush?!?

This house is turning into a House of Mystery. Hmph.

Anyway, life goes on pretty much at full pelt otherwise. I went for a run this morning for the first time in three weeks, and it was noticably more difficult that the last time. Having said that, it seemed to take less time so perhaps I was pushing myself a little too hard. October 16th draws ever nearer though and I will soon need to start running longer distance in order to be able to make the 10k.

Tomorrow I go and visit my new baby cousin. She is having a month old party. Well, her parents are throwing a party on her behalf. I doubt very much that she'll have a clue what the fuss is about. I haven't seen my uncle (the father) since his wedding, and in that time his wife has already dropped her first sprog. What is the world coming to? She's only 19. At this rate, by the time she gets to my age she'll be on her third. I guess you pick and choose your path.

Me vs Moths - 39 : KO

The mystery of the moth infestation has finally been solved.

On Monday evening, my mum was startled to see a maggot-like creature crawling up one of our kitchen cabinet doors. Upon receiving the SOS, my brother came down to investigate and opened the cabinet to find hundreds of the buggers crawling around the chinese herbs and cashewnuts that my mum stashes away in these cupboards. Moths fluttered out of the cabinet by the dozens. Strange that we had never discovered this before, but we don't have much call to open these cupboards I guess. My poor brother got to work exterminating these moth larvae and prising them out of the joints with a toothpick whilst I sat at my pc blissfully unaware.

Come Tuesday night, I went to cook some rice for dinner and when I went to open the rice cooker, was confronted by a wriggling maggot on top of the cooker. Eek! I squished it with a tissue. Then I saw another, crawling bravely along the tabletop. I squished this one too, and recoiled at the popping noise. It took so long to get that popping noise out of my head..

Anyway, it seems like for weeks the moths have been breeding in that cupboard and nobody realised that it was happening in the kitchen. We all thought that they were flying in from the windows. Since Monday, the house has been somewhat devoid of moths and we are all rather pleased!

go Gadget go

I am the proud parent of a 3 day old PSP. My new baby is a beauty, all shiny and well behaved - he chirps happily whilst awake and sleeps soundly at night.


It's been a while since I called upon my gadget-girl alter ego. Quashed by the evil ones at Mastercard, she has been keeping a low profile for quite some time. However, the bitch is back and back with a vengeance. Head turning this way and that with all the cool new toys that are begging to be bought, the PSP has proved an effective distraction. It is an incredible piece of kit - pure heaven for those gadget inclined. Although the games released are not quite as jawstopping as would have hoped, there are good things to come. What can I say? I love it. The sound is good, the screen is excellent, the controls perfectly usable. It supports mp3s. It will play video off a memory card. It has wi-fi. It's widescreen. Hell, I can even store cheesy holiday snaps on it. All it needs now is a digital tv receiver, a touchscreen and a stylus and I will be a playstation convert forever.

Monday Moans

How I hate Monday mornings. Dragged reluctantly out of the haven that is a warm bed and a soft pillow, I arrived in the office this morning with an immeasurable thirst for caffeine and a less than amicable mood.

I was therefore none too amused on my way down to the office cafeteria to observe the unacceptable lift behaviour of an unknown colleague so I thought I would share my gripes in the hope of easing my grumpiness..

The Lift Neighbours I Love To Hate

• The Lift Control Freak

  
  This type of species will gravitate automatically to the position where the lift buttons are. They will feel the strong need to hover their index finger over the door close button in order to minimise the time that a lift spends on a floor that is not the floor that they are getting off at. When they accidentally jab the button too soon and almost take someone's head off, they apologise insincerely and jab the button again. Repeat ad infinitum until they get to their floor. Note that usually, what will happen is that all the button-jabbing will confuse the lift and the doors will open and close and cause even more of a delay.
  



• The Desperate Lift Waitee

  
  This person is the bane of any lift user. In situations where there is more than one lift in use, and there are lots of people waiting for lifts, they will exhibit their impatience by pressing the lift call button repeatedly whether or not there is a lift waiting to leave the floor. It does not register to this kind of person that pressing the button severely delays the lift from leaving and causes much opening and closing of doors. This person is stupid and should be slapped around mercilessly.
  



• The Lift Socialite

  
  There are many species of the Socialite. There is the Tube Train Socialite, the Escalator Socialite, the Shop Doorway Socialite, The Stairway Socialite and many more. These people have no regard for others and will happily chat away with their friends in the most obstructive places. The Lift Socialite in particular will stand in the doorway of a lift with a friend chatting and refuse to budge when the lift doors open. This causes distress and annoyance to the poor people who need to get off. Sometimes, the Lift Socialite will also feel the need to spot people they know who are standing somewhere else in the lift and attempt to create conversation over the heads of others, forcing them to have to listen to the boring social smalltalk or equally boring officetalk that they engage in. Advice to other liftgoers: carry your iPod at all times and perfect your shoulder-barge.
  



• The Lift Addict

  
  There are no excuses for these people who take a lift just to go one floor up or down. Take the stairs will you. If you don't know where they are, find out.
  



• The Lift Joker

  
  A rare breed in offices but rife in public spaces like hotels and department stores, this person will press all the buttons on the controls as they depart the lift, causing the lift to stop at every single floor. This renders the lift practically useless.
  



• The Noxious Lift User

  
  Now this breed of lift user can make long lift journeys hell. With a total disregard for others, this type of person will belch, fart,sneeze and cough whenever they feel like it. Likely to make some lift-users exit prematurely.
  

what dreams may come

My dreams are getting increasingly disturbing of late. Perhaps it's the unusual heatwave we are having, or perhaps I am exhibiting some underlying psychological problems during my sleep.

On Saturday night I had a dream about taxidermy at London Zoo.

On Sunday night I had a dream about the invasion of aliens in the UK. It was very Doctor Who'esque.

On Monday night I had a dream about group fisting. (yes I do mean that kind of fisting) This woke me up in shock and I realised I needed to relieve myself.(obviously I mean peeing) Upon falling asleep again, that dream was followed closely by a dream about an elaborate hoax on me by the company that I work for. It involved my mobile phone being missing, strange stations in the middle of nowhere and people having nails hammered into their foreheads.

Last night I dreamt that I nearly died, twice. The first time I was sitting on a very strange Tube-like train. There were round porthole windows and it was very low so we all had to crouch inside as if we were refugees. We were going past some sort of construction site and I went to make a phonecall, and the second I pressed the button there was an explosion outside. Miraculously, we escaped unscathed.
I'd presumably gotten to my destination as the next thing I know, I am sitting in a very fancy bar with my friend V. We're both knocking back fancy cocktails and trying to ignore the leering stares from some guys sitting on a nearby table. We go to pay, and the bill comes to over £300. On the way outside, I stop and stare up and a huge bit of scaffolding above the doorway. For some reason I am terrified of stepping under it even though lots of people are coming and going with no qualms whatsoever. V motions for me to move along and I do, but the second I step underneath the scaffolding it starts to collapse. V manages to grab my hand and pull me to safety but behind me there are people crushed under a huge pile of metal and wood.

Despite the strange dreams, I haven't had any traumatic experiences to speak of lately. I enjoyed a very relaxing Bank Holiday weekend with my parents in Southend. They live 5 minutes walk from the seafront and it was beautiful sunny weekend. I even went for a 5k training run on Sunday :) Dedicated old me.

Tonight I am off to see Kevin Spacey at the Old Vic in The Philadelphia Story. Let's hope there are no aliens, stuffed animals or tube trains in this play else I'm in trouble again tonight...

stupidity

It's a thoughtful Monday morning for me today.
I'm reading the news and wondering about the folly of showing solidarity without thinking.

Subject in question: Gate Gourmet
Staff protests about low pay, holds an impromptu strike, 670 staff gets sacked. Gate Gourmet staff makes even more noise. BA staff then decides to hold a sympathy strike causing BA such grief that they don't want to work with Gate Gourmet any more.
Result? The possibility of Gate Gourmet going into administration. Woohoo, then *everyone* loses jobs. Bravo.

Common sense for breakfast anyone?

Night Prayer

Thankyou, to no one in particular
for these happy days, and happy nights
A gentle light casts small shadows in the darker corners of my soul
As I lay back and gaze upon the moon I admire the simplicity of
it's offerings.
In the face of it's incandescence I am reminded of a different era
Yet unable to fathom the feelings it provokes
From sunrise to moonrise I have amnesia
and longer still sometimes.
Thank you, whoever, for the moon and all it represents
May it watch over me always throughout.

run rabbit run

Yesterday I went temporarily insane and registered for this years Nike runlondon event. I have exactly 2 months to train myself to be able to run 10k - which in reality isn't all that much. Except that I haven't done any running since probably 1995. Oops :)

Official training sessions start next week, in the meantime I have to think seriously about solitary training and also perhaps joining a gym.

I've had people wondering why I've suddenly decided to do this. I guess I've been feeling somewhat unmotivated of late. I'm not unhappy but I'm the sort of person who hates to feel unchallenged and this time round I've decided on a physical challenge as opposed to the mental challenges I usually set myself.

The great thing about this is that the deadline is so close that I will be forced to take immediate action - there's no putting it off unless I want to fail miserably. And that's not something I'm likely to allow to happen..

happy birthday blog

Saturday was the 1st birthday of my blog.

By fate or by coincidence, on Saturday I was in an internet cafe in Edinburgh called Dreamcatcher. How strange it would have been, if I had updated my blog on that day in an internet cafe of the same name :)

I am so so tired today. It's been a fantastic but exhausting weekend. The grand finale of my excursion to Edinburgh meant going to bed at 2am only to have to get up at 4am to be able to get to the airport to come back to London and straight into work. I am now operating on backup energy supplies with copious topups of tea. If I drank coffee, I'd probably be on triple espressos.
Still, I only have to survive for another 3 hours and then I can go home to sleep - only my dad is celebrating his birthday today so perhaps bed is further away than I could hope for..

The last three days in Edinburgh have been a blur of walking, drinking and sitting still in various venues trying to broaden my mind on different levels. It was my first experience of the Edinburgh Fringe.
To those who may not know what this is, it is a month long festival held annually in Edinburgh where actors, artists, musicians, comedians, dancers all gather to present their work to the eager public. It's a remarkable event. There are hundreds of shows to choose from, and not enough time in the day to see it all. Promoters roam through the streets in groups, handing out flyers to would-be audience members. "Come and see our show, it's fabulous." Sometimes the cast themselves will do the handing out - "Come and see my show, I'm biased but it's great!" The end of each day turns almost into a ritual of emptying out your bags and pockets of flyers and postcards. There is a lot of drinking. Drinking whilst waiting for the show (goes hand in hand with the queuing), drinking after the show (opportunities to chat about what you've just seen), drinking in between shows (flicking through different programmes and flyers trying to choose new shows to see). Pubs must do a roaring trade this time of year. The whole thing has a studenty feel to it.

In 3 days, I went to see 10 shows and one graveyard tour at the witching hour. Due to my amazing scheduling skills, I managed to fit everything in with time spare for eating and even some sleeping. Highlights:

- Star Wars in 30 minutes: Brilliant rehash of the original trilogy with the most inventive use of props I have seen since the days of Whose Line is it Anyway?
- Gamarjobat A Shut Up Comedy From Japan: Two hilarious japanese mime artists
- La Clique: Unforgettable 'circus' with amazing performers including a male bellydancer who was totally awesome
- Ladyboys of Bangkok: A fantastic cabaret of some totally hot and some totally not thai ladyboys in various tiny outfits strutting their stuff.
- Pupptry of the Penis: Penis origami. Ouch.

*grumble*

Parents can cause such mixed feelings, often ones that change very rapidly.

phase one - disbelief

"So whenever I try and do a search on X Stockbrokers, it always comes back Egg..."
"I don't believe you Mum."

phase two - discomfort

"Oh my god look at your face! Haven't you been moisturing? Your skin looks terrible. You're only 26, not 30."
"Go away mum. No I haven't been moisturising. It's bad, yes."

phase three - nostalgic

I go into the bathroom to brush my teeth before my dad hogs the bathroom. Mum is still in there.
"Come here and sit down. I'm going to wash your face for you. It looks terrible."
I sit down and allow myself to have expensive japanese cleanser rubbed on my face. The downside is that I have to listen to her preaching about looking after my skin. The upside is that it's quite comforting, it kind of reminds me of being a little girl again, sitting on the edge of the bath having my face scrubbed. Mum holds my hair back as she commands me to rinse. Then as I'm brushing my teeth she disappears off to find the toner which she insists on rubbing on as well. I feel a little bemused.

phase four - dejection

As she walks away, job done ("Don't forget to put moisturiser on!") she also mutters on about the state of my complexion. "Looks like your face is going mouldy"

phase five - paranoia

Now totally paranoid about my mouldy face.

dog daze

Location: On the step of my bedroom doorway
Time: 08:41 this morning

Having totally forgotten to reset the alarm or press the snooze button this morning, I fell back asleep after my alarm went off and drifted into a deep sleep.

Dream:

It's Christmas day. I have just walked into the shower. Mid-shower my brother hammers on the door - "Sis, sis, look at this!"
I open the door. My brother stands there with a bag of berries. "These taste sooo amazing! Try some!". I take the berries and close the door. The shower is still running so I pour the contents of the bag into the bath to wash the berries. I examine them, there are different varieties there and they all look quite unusual. The big red ones in particular look like a strange cross between a raspberry and blackberry. I sample some and my brother is right - they are delicious. I go back to having my shower and am interrupted again by someone banging on the door. It's my mum this time and she wants the berries so I scoop all the berries into the bucket she gives me.

Some time later I wander into the kitchen. My parents are preparing to cook christmas dinner and my mum tells me that we have something good this year.. "This is what I have bought for dinner this year" she tells me. A big white chicken, rather plump looking. And a small white dog. It's adorable. A small puppy that looked a bit like a walking piece of carpet. I watched it moving around, sniffing at people's ankles.

Cut scene to a dining area that I don't recognise. My mum is sitting at a small square table with a checkered tablecloth with 2 english men that I have never seen before. She is talking animatedly to them and pouring wine. I'm wondering who they are. I'm wondering if they are strangers off the street that she has invited for lunch.

Walking back towards to kitchen, I spot the little dog. I pick it up and give it a cuddle. With the sudden realisation that my parents were planning on serving this cute thing on a plate, I start crying and pleading for my mum to leave the dog alone and cook the chicken instead. I wake up from my dream..

Reality:

Sitting in the doorway waiting for J my housemate to brush his teeth so I can have a shower. I tell him about the dog dream.
"That's what happens when you go to bed early."

1:0 me vs the moths

There is some kind of weird moth infestation in my house. On Monday I came home to find 7-8 moths fluttering around in my room. It didn't take that long for them to start annoying me, and despite the risk of moth murder karma, I splatted them all. Yesterday I flattened 3 more, and this morning I murdered one with body spray. Incidentally, that is a bad thing to do as it makes them all sticky and impossible to remove from the wall.

Do I feel bad? Yes I do. However, they should learn to stay out of peoples way. The way that they flap around in random directions and eat my clothes drives me crazy. I can sit at my pc and see them out of the corner of my eye. Ugh.

Course the simple solution could be to arm my room with mothballs. Except I *hate* the smell of mothballs. (Doesn't everybody?) Argh what a dilemma!!

man overboard

Another night another leaving drinks. No champagne hangover this time, but I think it could have been.
Most surreal moment of the night? A well-respected colleague asking me if it was difficult to lay eggs. Apparently, the optimum scenario in which to lay eggs is to do a crossover hairflick and make sure that you are wearing a top that doesn't quite reach your the top of your trousers. Much as I tried last night, no matter what sort of hair flicking I did, I didn't manage to lay any eggs. Luckily for me, my colleague then moved onto a different victim and started harassing him about rings on fingers and thumbs. I escaped to the bar for a champagne top-up ;)

Tonight it all starts again. Different colleague leaving, different bar. Sometimes I get this strange sinking ship feeling...

realities of my subconscious

I've been having these fleeting dreams recently where things keep changing when I'm not there. Usually it has something to do with my mum. For instance, last night, I dreamt that all the books that I had dumped downstairs in the projector room on the floor had suddenly all been boxed up. I say fleeting in my earlier observation because I usually don't remember these fragments of my dream without a trigger - in this case, when I was downstairs ironing a shirt this morning. The books were still there where I left them, and I felt momentarily bewildered at this reality.
This isn't misrepresentative behaviour from my mum, she definitely has a habit of making changes in my life without warning. Once I came home one weekend from university to find that she had ripped the entire front of the house down and replaced it with a new one.

I wonder about the meaning behind these dreams. Whether it has something to do with the changes going on in my life, or whether it indicates my preoccupation with things that are out of my control. I am a self-confessed control freak when it comes to my own life. It probably explains the friction between me and my mum as she is a control freak too except she likes to control the lives of others...

pessimisme

Sometimes I feel so vulnerable. Life is so fragile, so unpredictable. What does it take to preserve the sanctity of our existence?

From fiction to reality, the harshness of the world terrifies me sometimes. From the threat of bombs on the public transport, to police shootings of innocent civilians. Not only do I have reason to fear those who terrorise, but I now have cause to fear those who are supposed to be there to protect us. I was born lucky. I look pretty harmless. But for those who weren't born that way? They have to be even more careful not to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

On Saturday night I watched lilja-4-ever. I never want to see that film again. It shocked and horrified me to the core - I couldn't control my emotions after seeing that film. It made me feel so vulnerable. The film is about a young girl and how she is forced into prostitution because of the awful circumstances of her life. She is exploited at every turn and by almost everyone she meets. It made my blood run cold to see the abuse that a girl can go through, by men who see women as nothing more than a sexual object with no feelings. I was born lucky. I have been sheltered and looked after all my life. But there are girls out there for who this film is a reality and my heart goes out to them. When the credits started rolling my tears ran unchecked and I felt some hatred towards men and their power over women.

I've just read on imdb that this film is based on a real person. That makes it even worse.

So I feel that sometimes looking harmless is a mixed blessing. To the good, it helps you to integrate. To the bad, it is a weakness to be exploited.
In November I am thinking of going to Thailand. I may be there alone for a while. In the back of my mind there is a small niggling concern for my own safety. Do I think that I can't take of myself? No. But for a young female to be alone in a faraway foreign country that isn't very rich, well, that's a different matter. What's the worse that can happen? It doesn't bear thinking about.

umu

oh wow oh wow. I have these beautiful hazy memories of last night - the most amazing meal I have ever had. Food so divine that I wish I could have taken a picture of every bite.

Not having seen my ex for probably a month at least, I thought it would be good to get together to celebrate his imminent entry into the world of Finance IT. As a surprise, I booked a table at Umu, the first Kyoto kaiseki restaurant in London. I had already checked out the prices, and winced a little but when you're going to celebrate, you've got to do it properly.
I wasn't disappointed.

kaiseki is a special art-form of cooking in Japan where everything from the season, to the colours of the plates is considered and presented to perfection. For this reason it's quite costly to have it, even in Japan. In Kyoto you can order it in a traditional japanese inn (ryokan) and enjoy it in the peace and tranquility of your own room.

First course was a wonderfully presented green tea tofu. The waitress explained every single dish to us, the ingredients and the seasonings. I don't really like tofu but this was pretty amazing. Delicate and with the perfect texture. The second course was probably my favourite - oyster tempura. I have never ever eaten oysters as perfect as these two. They melted in the mouth like butter and if the chef could have seen my expression, he would probably have felt rather smug. Of course, by the 7th course, with my small appetite every plate become my mortal enemy and it was all I could do to try and do justice to the effort that had gone into everything. In between all this, the waitress kept us constantly topped up with the £50 a bottle vintage sake that we had ordered. Needless to say, we staggered a little after the meal to make our way home, stomachs full and wallet feeling almost £400 lighter. Was it worth it? Oh yes. I'll be back one day - to try the wagyu beef.

As an aside, I thought that it was going to be awkward to spend an evening with my ex. He has a new girlfriend now and seems happy enough. And I'm happy for him. After the time spent apart doing separate things, we've both returned to our usual selves. There is no bitterness or awkwardness, just an easy friendship.
This makes me happy.

a familiar feeling

And so the panic starts again.

As I came back from lunch with an old friend of mine, I felt a feeling of deja vu as I saw a whole load of people crowded around the TV. Incidents reported of 3 tube stations closed, followed by an incident on a bus not far from where I work. A nail bomb on the underground. Bus explosion. It's all strangely familiar, and yet again on a Thursday! Maybe I should stay at home on Thursdays.

It's still early. They've only closed down 2 lines on the underground so far. Who knows what will happen next?

in the midst of chaos

It's a strange and chaotic day in London today. Having been out late last night, I dawdled in getting ready this morning and didn't leave the house until 9am. When I got to the station, I was a little disgruntled to see a security alert had shut down Liverpool Street and Bank which meant that I had to get a mainline train into work today.

It wasn't until I got into the lift at the office that I realised that something was happening. I overheard someone talking about a bomb going off outside. Alarmed, I hurried into the office to find everyone watching the news. About 5 minutes later, the whole of the London Underground had been shut down. For some reason, the news networks were blaming so-called power-surges for explosions going round the city but they couldn't explain the bus explosions that way....
The mobile phone networks have been swamped all morning, I have had calls and messages from people who I don't usually hear from, who have all been watching the news unfold with some alarm. In the office, everyone permanently has the bbc news website open and TVs have been turned up so that we can all listen to what is happening. We have had corporate messages over the tannoy telling us to remain in the building and the security downstairs is the tightest I have ever seen in two years here. The streets outside are quiet, there are no buses and hardly any people. It's pretty much business as usual though, what is there to do though apart from carry on as normal?

It's strange though, how life can deal unexpected events like this. I slept peacefully last night, little did I know that today was going to be like this. It gives you a new perspective on the way you should live your life. Anything could have happened this morning - any small shift in events could have meant that I may have never made it safely into the office. I'm glad I did :)

I was supposed to go to an Amy Winehouse concert tonight at the Tower of London. Think I might be giving that a miss. Especially since my friend has the tickets and he can't get into London...

thinking out loud

I sit here at my pc trying to reflect on the thoughts going around my head. I should be in bed, I only got about 4 hours sleep last night as my flight home from Barcelona was delayed and I got home at 4am. The only real reason I am still up is because my mum insisted I drink some of her special chinese soup (which is delicious incidentally).

I feel kind of fragile right now. I have an appointment at the hospital this weekend for a fairly standard scan. I'm petrified. I have a strange phobia about hospitals. Earlier this year, my ex had a hernia operation and I went with him to the hospital. I wasn't even the patient yet I was gripped by an irrational panic. I've always had this. It doesn't matter who I am visiting, or the occasion, I hate hospitals.

I guess that's not the only reason I feel fragile. I feel vulnerable. My usual shroud of protection is weak, and I feel open to being hurt by the people I care about. It's strange that my friends and even family perceive me to be such a strong person when I feel like the complete opposite. Perhaps I should be an actress. But they deserve more than that. I am not blind to those who care about me, I hear loud and clear the offers of wisdom and support, yet I hold on to my inner hurt with a vice-like grip as if to seek some kind of solace from the pain. My self-torment is not quite over but the time limit has long since been up. What do I need to let go?
Happiness is well within my grasp. I have tasted it's sweetness, revelled in it's euphoria-inducing vapours, basked in it's gentle warmth. I have found my energy, my muse, my voice of reason.

Like the waves of the mediterrean washing up upon the shores of Barcelona, it passes. My sadness. Tranquility restored once more. Time passes and with it, the balance of the scales will tip as I knew they would. The pendulum finds it's rightful place. My smile stays.

note to self

I feel so tired this morning. Up until quite late last night trying to practise sudoku ready for my regional heat in the Independent Grand Championship, I had to come into the office
for 7am so I can leave early this afternoon. Talk about glutton for punishment.

As I sit here nursing my tea and croissant, I ponder about the recent events in my life. Seems like no matter how much I plan to try and relax, somehow it never works out.
Last week I had an amazingly busy week as usual. I was off work for 4 days learning Java, on Wednesday I had an awesome night watching Royksopp play at Koko. On the weekend I went to a 3 hour bellydancing workshop at which I tweaked and gyrated muscles that normally don't move :)
This weekend I am off to a hopefully sunny Barcelona for shoes and sangria :P
I'm thinking about a book that I bought some months ago called In Praise of Slow It's about how people shouldn't rush around so much and live life at a slightly slower place. Pity I don't have time to read it :)

Despite all this activity I feel restless. It's all very well having fun but there is still something missing. Challenge. Not gentle stimulus like japanese logic puzzles, or physical challenges like belly dancing, but a fierce mental challenge to awaken the ambition and drive I know to exist within myself. Just need to figure out what it should be...

emergence

Basking in the morning sun feeling thoughtful. Critical bites of a newly sliced lemon meringue pie, hmm not quite enough meringue perhaps.

I don't feel confused as such, but there are many unanswered questions in my head. Yet I do not feel that I should ask them, for to do so would be like shaking up a snowglobe when all the flakes had settled. Who am I to to disturb the tranquility of the scene? Instead, I should concentrate on improving the picture. There is much potential.

On the way to work I contemplate the fragments left behind, echoes of a former self. I set a challenge to emerge as a butterfly.

Todays Tip for achieving contentment

It's quite amazing just how many hours you can spend poring over your cd collection, realising just how long it's been since you last heard x track, deciding to rejuvenate that album by ripping it to mp3 and adding it to your iTunes playlist.
I'm currently in full multitask mode - writing my blog entry, ripping the matrix ost, listening to the Fight Club ost and fine tuning my iTunes playlist ready for a re-sync.
My PC isn't particularly happy - diagnostics are showing the cpu is overheating a little - 52 degrees (oops)

Had a very weird paranoid moment today - it's a little out of character as I'm usually pretty calm and laidback. I was walking out of a shop and suddenly felt very conscious of my ankles. It's hard to describe but I had an irrational fear that my ankles were about to be separated from my legs by invisible cheesewire across the doorway. It only lasted for a moment - as soon as I stepped out of the shop it went away and I wondered why I was thinking about that. It's something that I've had before and I think that it stems back from my schooldays. We used to have to do a 3 mile cross country course every year through these woods near our school - every year people spread rumours about pranksters stretching tripwires across the trees and I used to worry a little about it. Odd that now, some 10 years later I still have disturbing thoughts about it.

Wow. Amazing how a song can bring back such strong memories. Clubbed to Death - I haven't listened to this for nearly 5 years. The last time I did I was sitting on the District Line going back home. It invokes incredibly strong memories, memories that I wanted to quash forever. Feelings of remorse, love, regret, sadness and fragility. It's a beautiful song, one of few that I can play over and over without getting tired of it. The composition is perfect. The melodies of the violins and piano haunt my soul. Who needs words?

if jim could fix it

It doesn't take that much to make me happy. I'm not particularly into fast cars and a glamourous lifestyle. Whilst feeling low and unhappy tonight, I considered what it would take to pull me out of my despondency.

I would love to hire out a massive concert hall. Take out all the seating and fix a hammock in the middle of the hall. I'd hire Bond to come and play for me whilst I lie in the hammock and engulf myself in the music. The sound of string instruments makes my heart tremor when played in the right way. My first request would be Strange Paradise. Followed by Big Love Adagio.
I guess in reality the music could be anything, I can think of some great tracks that would sound amazing echoing round a big room:

• Higher Place by royksopp
  
• Kiseki no umi from the anime Record of Lodoss Wars
  
• Duvet (remix) by boa from anime Serial Experiments Lain
  
• Yellow by Coldplay
  
• Ain't No Sunshine by Bill Withers
  
• Sadness by Enigma
  

And of course, my favourite classical piece of all time probably:- Air on the G String.

Now that I think about it, I'd forgo the concert hall for an empty stone castle. I'd love the music to be bouncing off the stone walls, everywhere I went. How amazing would that be. I'd love this castle to be high up with a view of the sea. The music would be floating out into the wind as I perch on a bay window looking out over the horizon. Just me, the breeze, the view and the music. Heaven.

Guestblog

Today's Guestblogger is: Howard my Aeron chair.

Howard says:

"Life as an aeron chair is a mixed bag. I'm generally happy with my lot but there are days when I wish that I could trade places with the confidential paper bin, or perhaps the emergency exit sign. It's nice to have your own place. Some days I find myself all over the place, it's really quite unnerving and disorienting.

Still, I can't complain too much. There are definitely those worse off than me. At least my current occupant is lightweighted and not too abusive. Adam the aeron chair behind me is not quite so lucky. His occupant throws him around, wears out his fibres from the weight strain and can emit the most noxious vapours. The only thing I can really complain about is the fact that I have to stoop all the time as my occupant has incredibly short legs.

The greatest thing about being an aeron chair (aside from the obvious fact that aeron chairs are like the Rolls Royce of office chairs) is that in this office, people are very protective of their aeron chair. There is a breed of inferior 'standard' office chair that are widely scorned, particularly by IT staff. Having been stationed next to Stacy (a fine specimen of the standard blue office chair) for the last couple of months, I have heard countless stories of chair-trading and chair neglect. Urban legends are rife. For instance, apparently one chair was so badly tormented by being left out in the atrium (meeting rooms populated by lush leather seats) he self-mutilated himself with staples and scissors and eventually committed chair suicide by stationing himself in a particular senior manager's office. Every hinge and screw was warped beyond repair afterwards..

Anyhow, there are fine times to be had yet - especially as Stacy has recently moved on and been replaced by Lucinda, a total temptress of an aeron. I can see some interesting nights coming on..."

pi

It's pie day.

Last night I made my first ever pie. A beautiful lemon meringue pie, with a perfectly crisp meringue top and a fresh lemony filling. It took me about 2 hours - and at 11pm we had a taste test.
My mum's favourite dessert, she gave it a thumbs up. My dad made no comment though his slice disappeared quickly enough. Mrs L declared it fattening but had a slice anyway. I had seconds :)

Today is Chicken Pot Pie day at EAT . This is probably my favourite soup, ever. Creamy chicken soup with a puff pastry top it really hits the spot, especially on a cold rainy day like this.

Whilst my brain is indulging in pie-involving flights of fancy, I am idly browsing the web for pie recipes. Next on my list: Banoffee Pie.
I am a total dessert fiend and both lemon meringue and banoffee pie are high on my list of favourite desserts. My current favourite place for banoffee pie is a restaurant called Sweet Basil. The food is great, but dessert is pure heaven.

viperx is probably chewing at the bit waiting for my list so here it is - my top 10 desserts :)

1. Chocolate Bento Box at Ubon (sister of Nobu)


2. Banoffee Pie at Sweet Basil


3. Trufa de Chocolate con Helado de Vainilla at La Tasca


4. Banoffee Pie pot from EAT


5. Home-made green tea icecream


6. Vanilla Fudge Brownie icecream from Haagen-Dazs


7. Chocolate Profiteroles


8. Fruit Crumble with custard


9. Raspberry cheesecake


10. Bananas and custard. With chocolate. And maybe some raspberries. And possibly some cake/crumble over the top. mmmmmmmmmmmm

Maintenant, EAT here I come.

green tea haziness

It's been a little while since I experienced 8am in the office. It's rather pleasant. I can eat my breakfast in peace - the noisy guy sitting behind me isn't in yet. (why is it that there is ALWAYS some noisy person with an annoying voice behind me?)

I am sitting here sipping my free twinings green tea. It smells and tastes of apples and pears. So content right now, I could want for nothing more. Watching people filter into work, I feel peaceful. Bring it on.

warning to backseat drivers

Some people seem to live their lives like a game of chess. There is always an opponent and all moves must be countered. Newsflash: your opponent may not be playing in the same game as you.

I am rubbish at chess. That's not to say that I don't have the potential - I have all the right skills for it. I just don't care for the game much. Why? Because although I am a competitive person, I'm not much for games that involve annihilation/total takeover of the other players. Games where there is only one winner.

Despite my ineptitude at the game, this does not mean that
a) I appreciate other people watching my game and criticising my moves
b) People forcing me to play
c) People telling me how to play and how to win
d) People telling me what will happen if I make a wrong move

I prefer to learn my own way thankyou.

precipitation is wet

My head is full of dreams and destiny today. The little things that happen from day to day, it's not until you stop to analyse the unfolding of events when you begin to wonder whether there is such a thing as fate.

I left the house for work at a normal sort of time this morning, and usually when I get to the station I will buy a copy of the Independent. (mainly because they publish 4 sudokus a day). This morning, the papers were late and I had to either go without or buy an alternative paper. I declined, thinking that I could buy it when I got to Liverpool Street. As I got onto the tube train, I reached down to scratch an itch on my knee and discovered a gigantic hole in my tights. In my mind I was annoyed, thinking 'what's going to go wrong next! everything usually happens in threes'.

Arrival at Liverpool Street station. I made a stop at Boots to buy a new pair of tights, suddenly remembered that I had run out of antihistamines and bought 2 packets. I then popped to WHSmith to buy the paper and as a result ended up exiting the station via a different route to my usual routine. As it happened, guys were handing out free tea at this exit which totally made my day. (I am obsessed with freebies) On the way up to the office, my eyes and nose immediately started itching and I was so relieved that I had ended up in Boots to get those allergy tablets.

None of these little events mean that much on a grand scale, but it's interesting to think about how my morning may have started had I not discovered a hole in my tights. Speaking of which, I am absolutely positive it wasn't there when I put them on this morning.
I've also just noticed that on the free cup I got it says this: "Blended to make every day a little better" :)

Now moving onto omens. The play that I saw on Sunday was about dreams, destiny and omens.
The story itself is a bit of a yarn, but it can be inspiring if you open your mind to it. It's about a spanish shepherd boy called Santiago who has recurring dreams of finding treasure at the Egyptian Pyramids. On his epic journey to Africa and across the desert towards this distant goal, he finds contentment, money, and love. Each time he has an opportunity to compromise on his dream and settle for something that he is happy with but he persists. At one part of his journey he loses everything. He learns from this, and in the end it forms part of his success - he reaches the pyramids. Does he find treasure there? No. There is no treasure there, only knowledge. In this story, getting to the pyramids was crucial to finding out where the treasure was really hidden - back in a place where he started.

A cynic would see the irony in this and interpret that as most journeys rarely need to be undertaken as the best place is where you are. I disagree with this. The stark message I got from this was that in order to discover the truth about what you really want, you have to follow your dream to the very end, whatever sacrifices and losses you may have to endure. Life will throw all sorts of obstacles in your way to test your determination to achieve your dream. How much do you really want it? What is it that you really want?

I can draw parallels to this in my life. By pure chance I bought this book. It wasn't recommended to me and I had never heard of it before in my life. I was in a bookshop with a friend looking for something else. I spotted it on the shelf, picked it up and for some reason decided to buy it. I read it and realised that the only thing stopping me from doing what I really wanted was me. I took the first step to changing this.

Months later, life has thrown all sorts of complications at me. At work I am doing better than ever, I have the promise of success, financial reward and security. In love, I have similar choices. Questions I ask myself:- do I want more? what will I give up to get that?

I could say that the re-emergence of this story in itself is an omen. I only found out about it because someone else told me it was playing. In a tiny theatre outside of where I usually hang out, I let myself be entertained by the pantomime presentation of this story that gave me so much to think about.
Perhaps it's time to take the second step.

wrong side of your bed

I am wondering this morning if I should have bothered to get out of bed this morning. For once, I am not feeling like a miserable bitch on a Monday morning, but I couldn't say the same for certain individuals around me. I feel a little tired today of trying to reach the expectations of others. Tired of being told that I'm not trying hard enough, of being criticised for my 'appalling' behaviour, of being told that I'm not listening. I don't want to agree to demands from other people, reasonable or no. For a while I just want to coast and experience the freedom of being a free spirit.

I find it quite incredible that all my life people accuse me of not being considerate of other people's feelings when in actual fact most of my problems in life have come about by being too considerate of too many peoples feelings. My indecisiveness, guilt and frustration are born from this habit.

On days like this I feel like shutting everything and everyone out. I can't do it though - I care too much.

brief pause for breath

It's been a busy old week. Somehow I've managed to fit the following into 6 days:

- seeing Sin City (Beautifully made film, great action and lots of fantastic gory violence)
- treated to seeing Derren Brown live (mind-boggling tricks from the jedi master himself - it was very cool and mystifying)
- accidentally stumbling across a wonderful and sexy belly dancer in Bar Marrakesh who has totally inspired me for my class on the 26th June. wow wow wow - I want to be a belly dancer! (though I don't know why it's called bellydancing as it looks more like ass-shaking to me)
- Spending a whole day under constant scrutiny of an observer whilst taking part in team building events such as building paper houses.
- watching a stage production of Paulo Coelho's The Alchemist. I enjoyed this - though it was a lot like a pantomime. Still, the actors were very enthusiastic and captured the main elements of the story.

Yesterday I think I saw Air Force One. It was a strange moment, whilst walking towards the Tube station I suddenly saw a huge jet overhead flying frighteningly low (I don't really live anywhere near an airport). It passed overhead. I carried on walking.
A minute later I stopped in my tracks as I saw another large plane flanked by 2 small planes (that can only be described as military planes) on either side. My jaw dropped even further when this was followed by yet another large plane flanked by 2 smaller military planes. I must have seen at least 13 planes all in all including the initial jumbo. I have to admit that it made me nervous.... I wonder what they were?

blue notes

For the first time in weeks I am alone to cry. The tight knot of pain that I feel inside reflects on my face - my tears leave stinging streaks as they roll unattended.

The solitude is welcome right now. No one to justify my sorrow to. No questions, no answers, no arguments.
I cry for beautiful memories of days gone past, I cry for the things that I miss and no longer have, I cry from the self remorse that I feel and for the guilt of hurting people that I care so much about. I cry for wielding responsibility of creating change, for feeling happiness when I should least deserve it. I cry because
life isn't as simple as the fairytales suggest, because Happy Ever After doesn't always happen.

I feel so tired.

spacefiller

It's quite interesting to observe the mini revolutions in our lives. It's not been a good day so far in my little world, I left the house a little later than usual, decided halfway down the road that I was NOT going to wear my glasses today as they were making me dizzy and went back home to put my contact lenses in. The moment I stepped on the train, the driver announced that there had been a passenger taken ill at Liverpool Street station and that we were not going to be moving any time soon. By the time we started moving the driver then announced that we were not going to be stopping at Liverpool Street station at all (my stop) so I had to go to the next stop and come back the other way.

So I got to work pretty late. I have a lot of work to do - inevitably, today had to be the day where our NFS server started playing up (died) and I am unable to do any development. Luckily for me, I remembered to buy a paper this morning and so have at my disposal a whole 4 sudokus to complete :)

This is what I mean about the mini revolutions. When my colleague introduced me to these addictive puzzles a few weeks ago, little did I know how much they would be absorbed into my life. Whilst I am sitting at work waiting for a build or taking a short break from staring at code, I pass a little time doing a puzzle. I have no idea what I used to do with these gaps. Just like I cannot remember how I ever managed without a mobile phone. Without it, I almost feel naked. Vulnerable and disconnected.

Anyway, back to my sudoku :)

terminus

Sometimes I hate living and working in the UK.
Here I am sitting at my desk at work on the first day of June with my COAT on. Outside it is overcast, raining and cold. All I want to do is to go home, have a steaming hot bath (at least 45 degrees) and crawl into bed with my trusty iPod and book. Jesus, it's supposed to be summer!
Mind you it probably doesn't help that I've just come back from a long weekend in Budapest where it was very hot and sunny.

I found Budapest to be a very accessible and affordable place to visit. The Hungarians speak English very well and are quite friendly people. The food is good (particularly if you're into goulash hehe), the wine is nice and the beer cheap.
Highlights of my trip:

• Stumbling into scary dodgy goth club next to our hostel at 1.30am when we got into Budapest [great start]


• Going on a bar crawl led by an ex male porn star with an attitude. We left at 8pm and got back to the pension at around 4am. Drank with the locals in some bars that I'll probably never be able to find again, met some very cool and interesting people and had my belief system interrogated by a strange american who totally took advantage of the fact that I was somewhat inebriated. Was pulled off the path to insanity by friends.


• Visiting City Park on Sunday. I have never in my life been to any park where every Sunday is party day. All day long the park is crowded with people, bouncy castles, live music, hundreds of stalls selling shoes (?), junk, food and drink. It was more like a theme park...


• Relaxing at the thermal baths in City Park. On a beautifully hot day, splashing in the outdoor baths was a lot of fun. Inside, I relaxed in the hot pools and sauna although the hottest bath at 38 degrees was nowhere near sufficient for me. Bring on the hotsprings in Japan anyday...


• Crossing the many bridges spanning the not-very-blue River Danube humming the wellknown song. Next stop Austria for a full rendition of the Sound of Music up in the hills :)


• Hiking up the Gellert Hill in Buda for a fantastic view of Budapest. Wondered where the Matthias Church was, only to realise we were on the wrong hill. doh!

Overall I found Budapest to be a lovely place to go and relax. It's very similar to Prague, with it's faded majesty but the atmosphere is more subdued. Perhaps this was due to the season. Much like Prague, to get the most of this city you have to stay away from the touristy centres, from the big designer shops and cafes and the brochure churches and buildings.

It's been a whirlwind of a fortnight. I'm glad that it's all over and my calendar looks a more bearable sight with lots of empty spaces which means that I can relax. No point in cramming so much into your own life that you can barely keep up with what's happening. I've missed weeks of Desperate Housewives, have been but a mere shadow on MSN and my bedroom has nearly been taken over by plastic carrier bags (late night Thursday shopping). Oops.

woman in black

I went last night to see a play in the West End called The Woman In Black. This is a play based on a book, and it was made into a film back in 1989.

I had no idea what the play was about before going to see it, though I had heard that it was supposed to be good and also scary.
Intrigued at the idea of being scared by a stage production, I waited in anticipation. And nearly fell asleep in the first 20 minutes.
I can't fault the acting, nor can I really fault the screenplay, I think they did quite a good job of it considering. Perhaps I just have high standards for scary stories... Needless to say I was somewhat bemused by the enthusiastic screaming coming from the rest of the audience throughout though there were some very effectively spinechilling moments in the play. One scene that I quite liked was this door that had been locked with no handle or bolts - after a ghostly scream in the dark the lights came back on and a handle had mysteriously appeared on the door... The main character hears an odd sound coming from upstairs so he goes through the door and upstairs to see a rocking chair rocking manically by itself. Very nice. In the end though, I was paralysed with fear in my seat throughout the play, but this was due to the fact that I had a seat in the gods, and it was a long long way down to the stage... I managed to scare myself half to death imagining scenarios in which I fell down the aisle and off the balcony..

Still. I went to bed at about midnight after a dose of Desperate Housewives to be suddenly awoken by a very loud creak in the bedroom. I half expected to see a woman with a white face staring at me when I opened my eyes :)

another night in the zoo

I drifted in and out of dreams this morning, mostly due to the fact that I set too many alarms to wake me up.
One dream was pure fantasy, my hero Neil Gaiman all damp from the shower talking about this dvd that we'd just watched. :)

The last one I had just before I got out of bed was almost a nightmare. I dreamt that a young elephant was on the rampage in the garden and we were all running away trying to avoid its charge. I can clearly remember the fear and adrenalin of having it right behind me. I managed to get inside the house and for some reason was climbing out of a bedroom window when my mum and brother appeared. They told me that they'd managed to catch the elephant - I glanced over at where they were pointing and sure enough, they had managed to tie it up. In bubble wrap.

The interesting thing about this dream (aside from the strangeness of seeing an elephant wrapped in plastic) was the new experience of semi-conscious thought. Usually in my dreams, most thoughts in dream-state are raw emotions - happy ,sad, scared, angry, that sort of thing. This time my thoughts were actually analytical, as if I was interpreting my dream whilst dreaming. I remember thinking, when my mum told me that they'd caught the elephant, that they had managed to achieve what I could not. That instead of confronting my fears I had run away from it.

It put me in a strange mood this morning.

life countdown

I am feeling a little thoughtful about life choices today.
We all live our lives and make so many decisions along the way. I wonder how much difference it would really make if we each had a death clock and knew the exact moment of our deaths?

You'd expect everyone to live their lives completely differently, to make the most of the time that they have. But I'm not so sure. Would the ideals of society change? Would most of us still grow up thinking that the logical progression in life is to get our qualifications, find a job, find a partner, get married and have kids? Would kids even be fashionable then? If we knew that we had 55 years to live, who on earth would want to spend 15 years of it studying, 30 years working and a good 18+ years of that trying to be a good parent? On the other hand, do the majority of people have the capacity to choose otherwise?

One thing is for sure, the world of insurance would be quite complicated. And there would also be a lot of depressed people out there. I think I'd train to be a psychiatrist :)

Me: "So, how do you feel today?"
Patient: "Pretty awful. I only have 45 years, 8 months, 4 days, 7 hours, 25 minutes and 32 seconds to live. And my wife totally wasted the weekend by forcing me to visit her parents. I lost two days of my life talking about potted plants!"
Me: "Well, what would you rather have spent your two days doing?"
Patient: "Um, well, I guess it would have been nice to do something a bit more worthwhile. New life experiences, that sort of thing."
Me: "How about bungee jumping? Or skydiving?"
Patient: "I'm afraid of heights."
Me: "Diving then?"
Patient: "I can't swim"
Me: "Learn to swim? It might save your life one day"
Patient: "What's the point? I know when I'm going to die. How is learning to swim going to help me?"
Me: "Er. Ok. How about volunteer work in Africa?"
Patient: "I already send them money."
Me: "That's not the point. You can enrich their lives."
Patient: "I only have 45 years to live. I should be enriching my own life."
Me: "Hmm. Well ok. How about trekking in Peru? Do the Inca trail."
Patient: "I'm scared of heights."
Me: "Go travelling for 6 months. Visit Australia, Asia, the Americas. Visit the low places."
Patient: "I'm scared of flying."
Me: "Why? You're not due to die for another 45 years yet...."

Hmmm. Just thought of another interesting slant. Old rich people would probably have a terrible time (or great, depending on your point of view) with young money whores who have somehow managed to find out their death days. Imagine the black market for bogus death clocks :)) The scope for exploitation would be massive!

Infinite possibilities

On Sunday I watched a really interesting episode of Nip/Tuck. It's not particularly relevant what happens, but one of the main characters has an operation, and whilst under anaesthetic dreams of an alternative reality in which she made a different choice at a pivotal moment in her past.

In the very near future, I shall no doubt be experiencing a pivotal moment in my life. Realism aside, here is how I think that reality will unfold:

I have a choice to make. Person A, Person B and the middle path, neither.
I choose the middle path. In an attempt to enjoy my newfound singlehood I sign up for Tango classes, go speed-dating, learn to snowboard and find a part-time job in a happening bar in the East End. One night a tall handsome stranger joins my Tango class and as our eyes and arms lock, we are both lost in the instantaneous chemistry that occurs. We go for a walk in nighttime London and he tells me that he is leaving the country in 2 weeks. It turns out that he owns a beach bar in Tanzania and he wants me to go back with him. I quit my job in Finance IT. 2 years later, our bar is the hippest place in the country and Tanzania has turned into such an amazing chillout destination that Easyjet starts offering cheap flights there. I publish my own book of cocktails. I get married on the Millenium Bridge in London. Gordon Ramsey caters my wedding reception. Every year on our wedding anniversary we fly out and watch the Northern Lights together. I have a little girl called Leanne who grows up to be a primadonna ballerina. I eventually die of a heart attack when my accountant tells me how much money I have spent on shoes over my life :)

Well, you never know.

summer complex

I've just remembered why I hate summer.

Just exited the ladies toilets at the office which was suddenly full of ladies getting dressed in tiny strappy backless tops. I don't have anything against them wearing skimpy tops - far from it - but the only worse feeling to feeling overdressed is feeling underdressed. I left the toilets thinking that I need to dye my hair blonde and buy a boob tube :)

the pendulum swings

Life can be so complicated sometimes. I woke up this morning with a harsh awareness of reality.

I am in love with two amazing guys who both have the ability to make me happy in lots of different ways. I don't know how to choose and I obviously can't have both.
The pendulum swings but never settles.

I sit between a rock and a hard place and ponder the possibilities and outcomes. It has taken me weeks to get to this place. I have travelled through guilt, self-pity, denial, anger, frustration, the works. Now the mist is clearing and I know that I must do something rather than wait for someone or something else to do it for me.

The initial problem was complex, there are lots of variables involved, peoples feelings, material matters, history, as well as my own personal baggage. Unable to cope, I have decided that the only thing that I can do is to break the problem down to the core. Everything else will have sort itself out in its own time.

At its most basic, the problem doesn't seem so difficult:- a choice must be made, and there are only 3 possible choices. Person A, Person B, or neither.
This sounds a little cold but I have to face the facts. The melodrama needs to stop. Of course, knowing this doesn't make things any easier but at least I can be true to myself what I must do.

Early this morning I wondered if I could just leave it to fate and toss a coin. 26 tosses, one for each year of my life. A draw means I choose neither. Dare I? :)

Whatever happens, one thing is clear: I must and will take all responsibility for my actions. I wish no hurt on anyone but I know that there are consequences whichever way I go.
I will have to live with them.


******************************

You
Every beat of my heart, everyday of my life
Every thought on my mind
Every second, every moment
You
Every still of the night, every romance goes right
Every dream I deny
Every second, every moment
You
Every beat of my heart, everyday of my life
Every thought on my mind
Every second, every moment
You
Every tear that I cry, every hope in my mind
Everything that I hide
Every second, every moment

don't try this at home

The night before last I had another strange dream.

I dreamt that I was talking to my mum, and rather matter-of-factly she told me that her time was soon up. She knew that she was going to die. She wanted me to take everything in the house with no monetary value and burn it in a big bonfire inside the house. So I did. I pulled everything out of drawers, off the shelves, everything with any sort of sentimental value, threw it into the centre of the room and set it alight. The fire was pretty spectacular. Oddly, the house didn't burn down.. it seemed to be pretty much self-contained in it's own space.

Curious, I had another little look at what this might have meant:

Fire

Depending on the context of your dream, to see fire in your dream can symbolizes destruction, passion, desire, illumination, transformation, enlightenment, or anger. It may suggest that something old is passing and something new is entering your life. Your thoughts and views are changing. In particular, if the fire is under control or contained in one area, it is a metaphor of your own internal fire and inner transformation. It also represents your drive and motivation.

eliza revisited

I've just thought of an idea. I don't know if it has been done before but here it is anyway.

I was feeling somewhat pissed off a minute ago - the direct result of a conversation that probably didn't go as intended. So I'm sat here at my desk at work thinking, that didn't have to happen.The conversation could have gone a different, better way.

My thoughts moved onto how people should try to be a little less reactive and think a little more carefully about the things that they say and the way they approach a problem. There are times when one should take a more forceful approach and others when persuasion is more ideal.
This led me to think about RPGs. I love playing RPGs, you lead one or more characters through a highly involved plot and your characters have to interact with other AI characters as you go along. In game conversation, you usually have a choice of replies. Depending on your reply, the character would react in a different way. Much like real life.

There are lots of people out there who aren't great at human interaction. So perhaps someone should write a game as an educational tool to help people improve that. I can even think of loads of good use cases where it'd be useful. It'd basically be a psychometric test. Employment vetting agencies could check if potential staff would fit in, police could examine behaviour of suspects, counsellors, teachers and so on.

Damn. Maybe I should write one.

Somewhere only I know

I am now a fully trained Shaker bartender, qualified and top of my class. I can't spin bottles like Tom Cruise but I can make a bloody good cocktail :)
I have no idea where the days since my last entry have gone. Every day has been such a full day that I am glad to have a very relaxing weekend ahead of me. (I say this because I know for a fact that the rest of this week is going to be hectic)

I'm not sleeping very well at the moment - probably due to too much drinking. I had a very strange dream the other night where I was walking along a beach at twilight and I saw a giant seal, followed by a giant whale. The whale later turned into a guy (asian/arabian looking with a moustache) who I ended up snogging on a couch whilst my dad was in the room. It was very surreal especially as I woke up, fell promptly asleep again and had a dream about sitting in the back of a taxi holding onto a really big pink pig. A real one obviously. It was very clean and well behaved actually.

It's the strangest dream I've had for a while so I thought I would make a note of it along with what the animals apaprently represent..

Whale

To see a whale in your dream, represents your intuition and awareness. You are in tuned to your sense of spirituality. Alternatively, it indicates a relationship or business project that is too enormous to handle

Seal

To see a seal in your dream, indicates your playfulness and your ability to use and incorporate differing ideas and thoughts into a situation. Seals are a symbol of good luck, success, and spiritual understanding. It also signifies prosperity, faithful friends, and security in love. The dream symbol may also be a pun and indicate you need to put closure on some situation

Pig

To see a pig in your dream, symbolizes dirtiness, greediness, or selfishness. The pig may also represent opulence and overindulgence.

These interpretations are oddly reflective of my life at the moment. Mind you, I don't read too much into dreams generally, not so surprisingly as mine can be totally surreal.

call or fold

In the words of Katie Melua:

This is the closest thing to crazy
I have ever been.
Feeling twenty-two, acting seventeen.
This is the nearest thing to crazy
I have ever known.
But I was never crazy on my own.
And now I know
That there's a link between the two,
Being close to craziness, and being close to you


Today I feel that I'm trying too hard to be happy for the sake of others. I want to be moody. I want to act like I feel. Sometimes hours can pass like minutes, but today they are passing like aeons. Why am I pretending? I know why, because otherwise people will start asking questions. What's wrong? Why are you unhappy? What are you thinking about? Questions that I do not want to answer. I don't want or need anyone to listen right now. My thoughts aren't public domain, and I am happy to keep them that way. But it's hard work. Like playing a really long game of poker. In fact my life seems very much like a hand of poker right now. I have a pocket pair of Kings in my hand, it's a great hand, but there is an ace on the table. The stake is high - I could lose almost everything I have. If I win with these Kings, everyone in the game will be unhappy as there can only be one winner. I have enough winnings in front of me to keep anyone happy. What do I do?

My mum told me last night, sometimes you make sacrifices in your life but you can still be happy. She said that it's not good for women to want too much. That it can only lead to unhappiness. It made me stop and think. Everything is just a state of mind right? Can I really be happy just because I want to be? Inversely, am I unhappy because I want to be?

please no.. not the bubbles

I think I'll be dreaming of bubbles tonight. We spent nearly an hour practising our accurate freepour technique. That's an hour of counting Bubble,2,3,4 in my head over and over as I poured away my 'almost perfect' measure of water.

Had a great day today - most of the day was spent sniffing and tasting spirits and liqueurs. Vodka, Gin, Rum, Cognac, Tequila, Whisky, and yummy liqueurs like Frangelico and Midori - we did them all. Definitely beats a day in the office :)
I felt distinctly nervous as I was asked to prepare my first highball in front of the class, like I did on my driving lesson. Wonder why I felt so nervous? It was a simple drink, vodka and tonic on the rocks. Ice, vodka, tonic and a piece of lime. No shaking required. Must work on psyching myself up for tomorrow - we start on the real cocktails!

oranges and lemons

I'm not Tom Cruise in Cocktail yet. But it's not going to be long :)

My first day at Barschool was quite long but interesting. Today we learnt most of the theory, practised some garnishing (cut up a load of lemons and limes), and had a go at freepouring which resulted in copious amounts of water all over the place. One interesting fact I learnt today was that it is a legal requirement to measure gin, rum, vodka and whisky in multiples of 25/50ml but any other kind of spirit is exempt from this rule. However, there is a kind of loophole in that if the drink contains 3 different types of liquids or more, it is legal to freepour the said spirits.

On a separate note, I went to a brilliant bar on Sunday evening.. my friend and I decided to have a girly evening and took ourselves to the plush Oxo Tower bar on the 8th floor overlooking the river Thames. We had a fabulous evening, and the bar service was the best I've ever had. Peter the polish bartender mixed impromptu cocktails for us all night and all I had to do was sign the tab.. Peter cottoned on pretty quickly how much I love raspberries and knew just how to keep me happy ;)
It was a magical evening, even if it was just us two girls. We watched the sun setting, there was a girl with a great voice singing in the background, and we were escorted back to Bank by a 'gentleman' who claimed that he'd met Hugh Grant and that he was an asshole. A new entrant in my phonebook, the bets are on whether he will be true to his word and take us both out for dinner on Friday :)

I have to be up early tomorrow - and make sure to have a substantial breakfast as we are doing Spirit Tastings tomorrow %)

first day of school

This is going to be a super quick post - it's day one of my week long bartending course and I am pretty excited.. I have no real idea what to expect but hey, bring on the cocktail tasting anyway :)

to be continued..

peace by piece

I found a little piece of heaven yesterday. It's tucked away miles away in Kent, takes two hours to get to and the perfect place to disappear off to get away from the noise and hustle bustle of London. It's also got it's fair share of tourists, but given the effort required to get there, even on a beautiful like yesterday it wasn't busy.

I was free to wander along the paths alone, the amateur photographer I was with trailing far behind having been distracted by some rare looking ducks. With the wind in my hair I felt happy for a while just taking in the streams, flowers and willow trees. The romance of the place caught up with me and I played out some wistful fantasies in my head.

When I got back to London I realised why I found such peace there. Not just because it's far away, or the gardens and surroundings are wonderfully kept, but because I'd never been there before. Here in London, everything seems to hold a memory. The people, the places, the streets, even the food. It's not that the memories are bad - in fact they are mostly good, and some are amazing. But it's distracting. I can't look at, or even hear the word champagne without getting lost in all the associations it has in my life. My life in London seems to be one giant word association game :)

it's got me hypnotised

I'm just steppin' in the room like,
waiting for the bassline,
speakers that can dry my hair,
I'm just lookin' in your eyes like,
ready when the time's right,
poppin' like we pop this here,
I'm just banging on a beat like,
checkin' out ya feet like,
tip it like you just don't care,
dance like you never did dance before,
got love for the beat but hate for the floor
whatchu waiting for?

The afternoon went by a little too quickly for my liking. After my 2 hour lunch, I suddenly found myself with a million and one things to do before the end of the day,
including handholding someone through how a test client worked and having to kick off a 2 hour code build (at 4pm) when I had to be at the Barbican at 7pm for a concert. Luckily, even though I got sidetracked at the pub enroute to the Barbican I still managed to get there before everyone else :)

The concert wasn't my choice. My hugely cultural friend wanted to go see the Singapore Chinese Orchestra and I agreed to give it a go. In actual fact, I really enjoyed it. The conductor was amazing. I've never seen any other conductor move around so much - he totally reminded me of Jackie Chan in Twin Dragons :)
The second half was a multi sensory experience (except when Michael Nyman turned up and introduced his piece which was like 5 groups of musicians playing different tunes in the same key) One piece, called Divine Melody was played whilst a painting was 'painted' on a projection screen. The painting appeared stroke by stroke, first in black and white, then the colours filled in. Whilst my eyes were mesmerised by the movement of the invisible brush, the music worked it's way into my head. It made me think of a conversation I had about how much the lighting could enhance the experience at a concert. There's a bit in the piece that I remember over everything else - towards the end where the whole picture (fully formed by this time) was edited in such a way that certain parts of it were highlighted. Given that the painting was of a buddha/god with a halo around their head surrounded by birds and clouds, this made the entire experience quite surreal.

I am fascinated by orchestral conductors. They have so much power. The whole orchestra orbits around the conductor who has a responsibility for every movement, every sound. With a flick of his wrist or nod of his head (and I'm not trying to be sexist here, I am not ignoring female conductors/conductresses?? :) ) he can alter the mood of the whole piece. Tsung Yeh this evening was very athletic. He jumped and grimaced and turned as if he were dancing to the music. Like a god, he had total command and respect of the musicians. I wondered what it might be like to be where he was standing. I could imagine his stand to be like a bubble, a war chamber. Such concentration it must take to follow his music, section by section, giving orders simultaneously in real-time. No wonder they're all so eccentric :)

high liquidity

This afternoon is not going to be as productive as I had hoped. I have just returned from a 2 hour liquid lunch and everything seems a lot less urgent now :)
This is not good as I have a week off work next week and there is a lot to be done..

I do have a good excuse though - today I celebrate the first day of my promotion. I am now a Manager with no one/nothing to manage :)

self empowerment

This last week has been extremely emotional. At my lowest ebb I found my self-esteem slipping away under the floorboards. Unable to catch it, I remembered the perfect way to restore it.

Music. More effective than losing yourself in alcohol, the right song can send you spinning to the stars with euphoria. Those who know me may have witnessed me on the dancefloor in some bar or club with a gleam in my eye. These moments are when I find my self-esteem at it's highest, where I'm disappearing and reappearing between a far-off place of my own and the rest of the crowd.

Applying this remedy, I have adjusted my playlist to only play empowering songs. Yesterday I sank below the surface with Radiohead and Coldplay.
Today, the gleam in my eye is back.

the hard place

It is fitting that it should be raining. Inside, I feel bleak, miserable and defeated. What a choice I must make - between the sun and the moon. As if I were holding what could be a winning lottery ticket, my mind is confounded by the options
and consequences of claiming the prize. Can I discard the growing hopes and dreams for harmony and accord? Should I?

In the corner of my eye I see a little cat. To me, the cat is tamed and loving, but deep in its soul I fear that it is not the creature that I know. What does the cat look like when I turn my back? Distracted, I walk away but the cat always follows.

dreams etched upon the sand

I spent far too much of last week drinking. 5 days out of 7 is not good. I would guess that I probably drank over three times the recommended amount for a female my age. I considered going on a detox but it looks likely to be a pipe dream as there is always something to celebrate...

I am also wondering if I am not subconsciously trying to avoid thinking about my problems by immersing myself in the drinking culture at work. I had some revelations last week about myself that I have been dissecting ever since and it's hard work, especially when I always end up where I started.
One of the things that has been troubling for quite some time is the fact that I seem to have lost direction in where I want to be in my life, and what I want to do. The future is more uncertain that it has ever been for me. I have recently been promoted at work, and although I always thought that I would leave after 2 years, I feel compelled to stay. There are more reasons for this than the promotion though, I am actually quite content doing what I do, I love the people I work with, the environment is good and laid back. I can maintain a nice balance between work and play. Yet for some reason, I am frightened that it's all too simple, too good to be true perhaps. I am afraid of being too settled. I'm afraid of a hell of a lot of things right now. I feel like perhaps I should be aiming higher, trying to fulfil some greater ambition. I think to myself, one day when I have reached the end of my life, I will measure my success by my achievements. What have I achieved? I don't think that accumulating material possessions counts. Not in my books. It's probably pointless to worry about stuff like this, invariably things always work out in some way or another without any personal intervention. However, as I realised with great clarity one night, I am a total control freak when it comes to my own life, and I hate the idea of just waiting for things to happen. It's frustrating.

On the other side of the scale, I had to listen to someone complaining for 25 minutes today about how boring their life was at the moment. And how the only thing keeping them going was the hope of going on holiday. His wife is expecting a baby sometime in July/August. They are unlikely to be going anywhere whatsoever for a year at least. As he told me how he was trying to price up this distant holiday, I thought, good god. I would go insane if I spent every single day for a year looking forward to a holiday. And we're not even talking about a dream holiday like going around the world, or some exotic place far away you've never been. We're talking about going to a place that you've been many times before and practically grew up in. It also spoke volumes that there wasn't a shred of excitement that he was going to be a new father very soon.

So perhaps my life is not quite so bad. At least my hopes and dreams go beyond a holiday :)

guilty until proven innocent

I was watching some music videos earlier, and Smooth Criminal came up. It made me feel kind of sad. I am always always going to remember Michael Jackson as an icon - someone totally unique with an inimitable sense of style. I think it's tragic that this generation is going to remember him as a delusioned man accused of paedophilia. I don't want to turn this into a debate about whether he is guilty or innocent, that's down to personal opinion. As it happens, I don't think he is guilty. I refuse to forward on the tasteless emails containing jokes about him. He is too much of an easy target - already convicted by the public and the media before trial.

It all makes me wonder. I can spend my entire life being a good person and doing good things, but at the end, all it takes is one single opportunity for someone else to destroy that. One rumour, one accusation, one motive. It's no wonder there is no trust in the world.

10 reasons why I hate iTunes

Well actually, there is only one reason.

I installed the latest version of iTunes the other day. I hadn't used it since I first got my ipod ages ago since I found that 4 gig of mp3's was really enough to keep me going without needing to update. Anyway, my hard drive got reformatted since and so I decided that I would reinstall the software.

A day or so later, I fired up winamp to discover that none of my playlists worked any more. Somewhat concerned, I had a little look in my mp3 folder to find in place of mp3's, hundreds of directories. For a split second I panicked, remembering a time long ago when I got a virus that renamed all my jpegs to .txt files or something.. but on further investigation I found that the songs were still there, only under directories named after the artist. So. I now have in excess of 300 directories, each one containing a single mp3. Great!

I'm sure that it was my own fault. gee, I have a degree in computing, I program for a living and I can't even work out a simple application like iTunes. *hangs head in shame*

United Kingdom, nil points

Thank god for that. I tuned into BBC1 this evening to see what nonsense song we are going to attempt to win Eurovision with this year. After seeing (and hearing) Jordan's absolutely horrendous performance I could hardly wait to see the final results. I only wish I could post a picture of the pink skintight catsuit she was wearing...
I was totally relieved to find that she will not be representing us in May. Good job too - she'd have been 8 months pregnant by then - hardly the sort of thing we want to be seeing on prime time TV.... never mind the fact that she can't sing a note.

Interestingly, last years winner turned up in the London studios to announce the results from the text votes. Ruslana from the Ukraine. A real hottie, especially in that outfit :)))) Now where can I get me one of those costumes...

va va vroom

There are two absolutely brilliant adverts showing at the moment that have to be mentioned. I haven't seen anything this good since my favourite jellyfish ad for 3.

The first is for the new Golf GTI. You can see it here. Or here. It's a redigitized Gene Kelly doing Singing in the Rain but breakdancing... :)

The second has been out for a while now but it's still great. It's for the Citroen C4 - Transformers special :)

And finally, for something a little more surreal.... have a little look at this *shakes head* The things you find on the internet..

snowmen in spring

I managed to eke out nearly an hour in the office today before deciding to go home. In that hour I managed to stare at the same line of code for at least 15 minutes. I can't even remember what that line of code was now :( Feeling bad. What is it about office environments that seem to make illnesses worse?

After an extremely sunny but cold day yesterday, London was awash with snowflakes this morning. The ground was covered with a blanket of soft snow where I live and enormous snowflakes were falling out of the sky, much to the delight of the kids walking to school. British weather sure is unpredictable. It's been snowing on and off for two weeks. Who knows how much longer it will last? It's supposed to be Spring now...

I watched a film last night that made me feel somewhat humble. And thankful. It was called The Joy Luck Club. It's a film about difficult choices and sacrifices, revolving around a group of Chinese families. It highlights the generation gap and the cultural differences between the mothers who originated from China, and their American born daughters. It's an amazingly moving film and for me, almost painful to watch as it was like reliving painful moments of my life. It made me smile and made me cry. It also made me realise that as much as I never thought that my mum understood me, that there were things about her that I never understood, and that my world back then was limited to revolving around me.
I have read comments about this film criticising it for being stereotypical. But I challenge anyone who is chinese with chinese parents not to find some truth in the stories in this film.
It's Mother's Day this Sunday. I am going to buy this film for my mum as a gift. Mother's Day holds some bad memories for me, and I stopped buying presents for her some time ago. This year I have found something that I want to give her. Something important. Understanding.

the sounds of silence

The sun was shining brightly when I left the house this morning, but the frozen puddles were evidence of the cold. My world seemed strange this morning, there was a strange silence. It was me.
My sore throat turned into a cough yesterday and I woke up to find that I had lost my voice. On my way to the station I was deeply aware of not being able to speak. That if I opened my mouth, I would hear a croak likely to be followed by a fit of coughing. The psychological effect that had on me was this:-
The background noises seemed louder and more pronounced. The birds singing, the cars going by, the sound of the trains in the distance. My footsteps on the pavement. Even my thoughts had more clarity.
It felt a little like living in a wildlife documentary but with the narrator suddenly going missing.

It's been a struggle in the office so far this morning. I had a 10am meeting at which I was expected to contribute, the simple matter of buying 2 cups of tea in the canteen was made awkward (the till staff here don't seem to be able to recognise teacups), and even when I wanted to bitch to someone about something I couldn't :(

This all reminds me of when I was primary school. When I was little, even though I had a perfect grasp of the language, I never spoke to anyone. I have no idea why. It turned into a strange habit right up to when I was 10 or 11. Outside of school I was fine. How I managed to get by I don't really know :)

watashi no tanjobi wa..

Around 3.45pm in 1979, a goddess was born. Me :)
Of course, she lost goddess-status back in the 1980's when she played all sorts of nasty tricks on her baby brother but she still likes to pretend sometimes..

Woke up this morning feeling like absolute hell. Throat the size of a pea, when I swallowed it felt like giant boulders were crashing through the top of my head and down my throat. My eyes hurt when closed. When I didn't swallow my head hurt anyway. I contemplated briefly whether to go into work anyway and realised that I couldn't face the trip from the bed to the office so I called in sick. On my birthday.
How much does that suck? Being stuck at home, in bed, alone and sick on your birthday. The text messages rolled in... "so.. pulling a sickie? happy birthday". grrr. bastards.

Anyway. Happy Birthday to me.

"If youth knew; if age could" - Sigmund Freud

I visited a theme park today. I was rather impressed by it's attractions, but I left thinking that it was over the top, totally overpriced and full of too many tourists. It was my first time there so it was a little overwhelming at first but I settled into line behind the americans, and the japanese, and the germans. When I reached the Diana/Dodi memorial, I didn't take out my camera.
Well ok, it wasn't a theme park. It was Harrods. But it felt like a theme park. People don't go there to shop, they go there to buy souvenirs and gawk. They wander around the attractions, pay their cash to visit the lush toilets, and go home with a Harrods carrier containing a box of chocolates in the shape of a red London bus.
Of course I was impressed. The decor is plush, the staff impeccable (and formidable -the bouncer in the food hall was about 7ft tall and built like a tree), the goods saliva inducing. I felt a little betrayed when I saw the Starbucks and the Krispy Kreme store but I suppose it's a moneyspinner. Needless to say I walked out totally empty-handed.

Having had an unsuccessful day on the shopping front, I popped into Waterstones. (This is always a sure win if I want to go home with a shopping bag). Managed to spend over £40 on books. One of the latest additions to my reading list is a book called Introducing Freud. I'm already halfway through it. People are always talking about freudian slips, and the oedipus complex and I wanted to find out the origins of his theories. It's fascinating but I am sceptical about some of it, particularly the stuff related to the interpretation of dreams ie that generally they represent the fulfillment of wishes. I once had a dream about fondling a colleagues breasts in the ladies toilets. Wonder what freud would say about that? :)

goodbye 25

For the first weekend in a while, I have an itinerary :) I will moving across a cultural spectrum today and tomorrow - today I have tickets to go and see The Umbilical Brothers which is supposed to be very funny. I have no idea what to expect which is usually the best way to ensure a good time.
On the other side of the spectrum I have tickets to go and see Carmen at the Royal Albert Hall tomorrow evening. I'm not sure if I like opera, having only seen one. I do however love the music so I'm pretty certain that I will enjoy it.

I'm feeling remarkably well this morning despite the slighty heavy night last night. Having secured a prime spot in Corney and Barrow (ugh) overlooking the ice rink, we drank the night away whilst bitching about the show-offs downstairs. I managed to attract the attention of 2 (old) guys who told me repeatedly that I had beautiful hands. Ironically they work at the same bank as me on the floor below. One of them had apparently just been promoted to MD - I figure that he's probably not a bad person to know then ;)

all I want is a white birthday

It's been snowing for two days in London. It's not settling very well, which suits me quite well. London looks beautiful through falling snow - giant white snowflakes covering everything. It seems to change the mood of Londoners too - seeing it makes me insanely happy for some reason. Perhaps it brings out the child in all of us.

Snow always makes me think of birthdays, and my childhood when we had colder winters. Whatever happened to the thick snow we used to get? I remember my first snowman. He seemed very tall back then :)

It's weird but I can't think of a single bad memory linked to snow. I wonder why that is.

declutter

I felt a little melancholy on Friday. I had to say goodbye yet again to another colleague who has made a very large difference to my life. There is no doubt that I will see him again, but I will miss him being a part of my everyday life.

There are few people that you meet in your entire lifetime who have the ability to change everything, just by meeting them. Pure circumstance. People who leave their mark on you permanently somehow. S is one of those people for me. He'll probably never know it. He is a genuinely nice person - and when you are surrounded by insincerity and two-facedness every day it makes you glad to know that there are people that exist who have no agenda and even gladder to know that you have friends like these.

I have spent the better part of today spring cleaning. I have only one room to do but it's taken me hours. Here are some of the things I have discovered:

- I have 17 pairs of shoes here in London
- That lucid dreaming gadget I bought years ago - no idea if it still works
- I collect boxes and packaging subconsciously
- I steal lots of stuff from hotels.
- I almost have more underwear than clothes
- I have 15 bags. 6 of these are totally impractical and will only fit my wallet,keys and mobile phone in. And maybe my digital camera.

I have thrown away a black sack full of stuff and it doesn't appear to have made much difference. I feel great for doing it though :)

lucidity flashes

It's remarkable how the most insignificant things can make life seem more real.

Examples:

- The lady sat next to me on the tube doing her toilette. Delicate application of eyeshadow, mascara, blusher, the works. Totally oblivious to the rest of the people in the carriage, or perhaps she simply didn't care.

- The lady sat opposite me on the same train - suddenly pulls a ridiculous large book out of a tiny bag. A modern day Mary Poppins.

- The guy this morning downstairs in the canteen. He was waiting in the queue to pay, and he had what looked like a bacon sandwich. As I went past, he suddenly took a huge bite out of the corner of the sandwich. He obviously couldn't wait any longer to eat :)

This reminds me of how you are supposed to train yourself to 'wake up' in a dream. You have to learn to recognise the glitches - events that are out of the ordinary. Apparently, once you master this, you can then control your dream (aka lucid dreaming).

Many years ago, I bought a little gadget that was supposed to help you do this. It was like one of the eye masks but modified with little leds between the eyes. In theory, the mask had sensors to detect when you are in REM sleep - upon which the leds would start to flash in a set pattern. Sadly, though I did experience the flashing leds, I never did manage to get Brad Pitt to come to my house and feed me strawberries and champagne :)