In the words of Katie Melua:
This is the closest thing to crazy
I have ever been.
Feeling twenty-two, acting seventeen.
This is the nearest thing to crazy
I have ever known.
But I was never crazy on my own.
And now I know
That there's a link between the two,
Being close to craziness, and being close to you
Today I feel that I'm trying too hard to be happy for the sake of others. I want to be moody. I want to act like I feel. Sometimes hours can pass like minutes, but today they are passing like aeons. Why am I pretending? I know why, because otherwise people will start asking questions. What's wrong? Why are you unhappy? What are you thinking about? Questions that I do not want to answer. I don't want or need anyone to listen right now. My thoughts aren't public domain, and I am happy to keep them that way. But it's hard work. Like playing a really long game of poker. In fact my life seems very much like a hand of poker right now. I have a pocket pair of Kings in my hand, it's a great hand, but there is an ace on the table. The stake is high - I could lose almost everything I have. If I win with these Kings, everyone in the game will be unhappy as there can only be one winner. I have enough winnings in front of me to keep anyone happy. What do I do?
My mum told me last night, sometimes you make sacrifices in your life but you can still be happy. She said that it's not good for women to want too much. That it can only lead to unhappiness. It made me stop and think. Everything is just a state of mind right? Can I really be happy just because I want to be? Inversely, am I unhappy because I want to be?
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