Monday Moans

How I hate Monday mornings. Dragged reluctantly out of the haven that is a warm bed and a soft pillow, I arrived in the office this morning with an immeasurable thirst for caffeine and a less than amicable mood.

I was therefore none too amused on my way down to the office cafeteria to observe the unacceptable lift behaviour of an unknown colleague so I thought I would share my gripes in the hope of easing my grumpiness..

The Lift Neighbours I Love To Hate

• The Lift Control Freak

  
  This type of species will gravitate automatically to the position where the lift buttons are. They will feel the strong need to hover their index finger over the door close button in order to minimise the time that a lift spends on a floor that is not the floor that they are getting off at. When they accidentally jab the button too soon and almost take someone's head off, they apologise insincerely and jab the button again. Repeat ad infinitum until they get to their floor. Note that usually, what will happen is that all the button-jabbing will confuse the lift and the doors will open and close and cause even more of a delay.
  



• The Desperate Lift Waitee

  
  This person is the bane of any lift user. In situations where there is more than one lift in use, and there are lots of people waiting for lifts, they will exhibit their impatience by pressing the lift call button repeatedly whether or not there is a lift waiting to leave the floor. It does not register to this kind of person that pressing the button severely delays the lift from leaving and causes much opening and closing of doors. This person is stupid and should be slapped around mercilessly.
  



• The Lift Socialite

  
  There are many species of the Socialite. There is the Tube Train Socialite, the Escalator Socialite, the Shop Doorway Socialite, The Stairway Socialite and many more. These people have no regard for others and will happily chat away with their friends in the most obstructive places. The Lift Socialite in particular will stand in the doorway of a lift with a friend chatting and refuse to budge when the lift doors open. This causes distress and annoyance to the poor people who need to get off. Sometimes, the Lift Socialite will also feel the need to spot people they know who are standing somewhere else in the lift and attempt to create conversation over the heads of others, forcing them to have to listen to the boring social smalltalk or equally boring officetalk that they engage in. Advice to other liftgoers: carry your iPod at all times and perfect your shoulder-barge.
  



• The Lift Addict

  
  There are no excuses for these people who take a lift just to go one floor up or down. Take the stairs will you. If you don't know where they are, find out.
  



• The Lift Joker

  
  A rare breed in offices but rife in public spaces like hotels and department stores, this person will press all the buttons on the controls as they depart the lift, causing the lift to stop at every single floor. This renders the lift practically useless.
  



• The Noxious Lift User

  
  Now this breed of lift user can make long lift journeys hell. With a total disregard for others, this type of person will belch, fart,sneeze and cough whenever they feel like it. Likely to make some lift-users exit prematurely.