thinking out loud

I sit here at my pc trying to reflect on the thoughts going around my head. I should be in bed, I only got about 4 hours sleep last night as my flight home from Barcelona was delayed and I got home at 4am. The only real reason I am still up is because my mum insisted I drink some of her special chinese soup (which is delicious incidentally).

I feel kind of fragile right now. I have an appointment at the hospital this weekend for a fairly standard scan. I'm petrified. I have a strange phobia about hospitals. Earlier this year, my ex had a hernia operation and I went with him to the hospital. I wasn't even the patient yet I was gripped by an irrational panic. I've always had this. It doesn't matter who I am visiting, or the occasion, I hate hospitals.

I guess that's not the only reason I feel fragile. I feel vulnerable. My usual shroud of protection is weak, and I feel open to being hurt by the people I care about. It's strange that my friends and even family perceive me to be such a strong person when I feel like the complete opposite. Perhaps I should be an actress. But they deserve more than that. I am not blind to those who care about me, I hear loud and clear the offers of wisdom and support, yet I hold on to my inner hurt with a vice-like grip as if to seek some kind of solace from the pain. My self-torment is not quite over but the time limit has long since been up. What do I need to let go?
Happiness is well within my grasp. I have tasted it's sweetness, revelled in it's euphoria-inducing vapours, basked in it's gentle warmth. I have found my energy, my muse, my voice of reason.

Like the waves of the mediterrean washing up upon the shores of Barcelona, it passes. My sadness. Tranquility restored once more. Time passes and with it, the balance of the scales will tip as I knew they would. The pendulum finds it's rightful place. My smile stays.