in stasis

There's a knot at the pit of my stomach which doesn't seem to go away whatever I do. (and I don't think it has to do with that spicy bowl of noodles my brother just made me)

I think it's fear.

I am usually quite a confident person. I like to think that I know what I'm doing, what I want to be doing and what I need to be doing to achieve what I want from life. Today is different. I don't think I've ever felt so unsure of myself. I find myself questioning everything - does it really matter, is it really what I want, is it really that important to me. And I have no answers. I sometimes worry that I take life a little too seriously, that I always make the 'right' choices rather than trusting in my instincts.

I'm probably more than a little influenced by a friend I had dinner with the other night who has spent 18 months travelling around Asia and Australia. Listening to his stories about trekking in Nepal and learning to cook in Thailand I have the greatest urge to sell my house, quit my job and disappear for a year. I'd love to visit Cambodia, to travel through China, have fun in Australia, learn a new language or two. I'd love to do this before it's too late and I get too comfortable in my life. Fear holds me back. I'm torn between travelling, and quitting my job anyway to pursue something new, a dream of mine.

I have so many choices. So many possibilities. I'm petrified of heights, I feel like I'm standing at the edge of a cliff peering over. I can retreat to safety or grab a parachute and make the jump. Or I can do what I feel like I'm doing now - stand and falter.

I used to be so scared of ending up having a 'mundane' life. So scared I sought a reverend for advice and counselling. Now I find it staring me in the face and I don't know which way to go.

Maybe I'll sleep on this.