I had another one of those epic dreams last night that seem to go on forever,
you wake up in the middle of it, and it continues when you fall asleep again.
In this one, the company I work for had organised a trek through the desert. For everyone and it was compulsory. (viper if you are reading this, you made a cameo appearance. For some reason you decided to join us and afterwards disappeared off to eastern europe for some sort of orgy) I don't remember much of the trek - just the sand - and we all piled into tents afterwards for a meal. The whole thing reminded me of the school fun runs we used to have.
The stranger part of my dream was that I was running some kind of zoo in my back garden. It was a very small garden, with a circle of cages running around it, I had a lion, baboons, a gorilla, and other animals that I don't quite remember. I also had a chipmunk.Sadly,it died. The baboon also got sick - but I managed to nurse it to health.
I am so glad that Christmas is over. I ate solidly for three days, so much so that I seem to be permanently hungry. I also lost 2 pounds - I must have a tapeworm. I did pretty well for Christmas this year - I am now the proud owner of a purple candlyfloss maker (a machine which totally exercises ones patience), a chocolate fondue kit, that candy g-string that I asked Santa for (untested), glow-in-the-dark seamonkey aquarium (brings back terrible memories of my uni days) and of course, what every fashionable girl needs, a guide to Minge Topiary.
Oh, and I also got the LOTR Extended Edition box set that I have been waiting 3 years for. That should fill up any spare 12 hours I have going.
So that's it. 2 more days until the end of 2004. And what a year it's been! Probably the busiest and most memorable year of my life. I started this year dodging fireworks in the Czech Republic, I'll be finishing it in a cottage in the West Country - a friend of mine will be bringing his 7ft power kite so watch out - anyone living in Devon :)
Wednesday, December 29, 2004
Friday, December 24, 2004
Twas the night before Xmas
There are 10 minutes of Christmas Eve left. I find myself wishing that I was someplace else. Despite the fact that we're all supposed to be jolly and festive, I feel less happy than on any normal day.
There is something about Christmastime that makes me feel awfully dejected and lonesome. It's not that I'm alone, my family are at home, but at this time of year I often find myself feeling lonely even though I am surrounded by people. I wonder if that will ever change? I wonder if perhaps it means that I am disconnected from my family, that we are on different wavelengths. Or if it's just this particular holiday.
I also feel wretched as I have been suffering from a cold for 2 days. I haven't been sick at Christmas since 1999 when I had tonsilitis and laryngitis in one hit.
So I'm sitting here trying to think of the things that comfort me when I'm feeling low. My piano. Lying on top of the bed with music on full volume and the lights off. A bath scented with lavender bubbles - temperature so hot I can barely stand it.
Jelly and whipped cream from a can....
There is something about Christmastime that makes me feel awfully dejected and lonesome. It's not that I'm alone, my family are at home, but at this time of year I often find myself feeling lonely even though I am surrounded by people. I wonder if that will ever change? I wonder if perhaps it means that I am disconnected from my family, that we are on different wavelengths. Or if it's just this particular holiday.
I also feel wretched as I have been suffering from a cold for 2 days. I haven't been sick at Christmas since 1999 when I had tonsilitis and laryngitis in one hit.
So I'm sitting here trying to think of the things that comfort me when I'm feeling low. My piano. Lying on top of the bed with music on full volume and the lights off. A bath scented with lavender bubbles - temperature so hot I can barely stand it.
Jelly and whipped cream from a can....
Thursday, December 23, 2004
2 days and counting
My worldly colleagues explained the 'Wingman' principle to me last night. I guess it could also be called the 'pack pulling' technique. I was rewarded later by not only seeing this technique in action, but by actually experiencing it first-hand.
The principle is simple. Guys pull in pairs, one guy acts as 'wingman' and diverts the attention of the the girl accompanying the 'victim' so that his friend can work his magic on the girl he wants to chat up.
It's a noble sacrifice though I suppose it can also be rewarding for the wingman if the friend is attractive.
My own experience was enlightening to say the least. Whilst chatting to two girlfriends who happened to be having their christmas party locally, a smooth talking guy sidles up and starts on one of my friends. Obviously wanting to broaden his chances of success, he attempted to lure me into his web at the same time. Not wanting to be unsociable, we relented and asked his name and profession to be told that his name was Barry and that he was a dancer. Not just any old dancer but 'MC Hammer' no less. Ever the sceptics, we asked for a demonstration and
were very much disappointed by his moves. Minutes later, his 'friend' appears (with a pint) and pretends to prise Barry away. Unsuccessful, he starts to apologise to me on behalf of Barry and introduces himself. At this point I find out that Barry's real name is actually Dave (?!). Busted!
This duo moved on later to another couple of girls but only managed to hold their attention for 5 minutes.
Guys - it pays to show a little honesty!
Whilst waiting for a tube train home, a guy sitting on the same seat as me remarked on the presents I was holding. Amused (and drunk), I described my gifts - one of them being a small jar of sand from the Sahara that my best friend gave me. I expressed curiosity on the colour of the sand as my memories of the Sahara were of grey sand, and not the beautiful yellow sand in the jar that I was holding. This guy, who was also drunk, told me that he had read recently in a book that the climatic changes in the desert meant that the colour of the sand could change,
and also told me that apparently sand can hold water which means that it is possible for plants to grow seasonally. I haven't as yet verified the facts that he told me but it was kind of surreal to have this kind of conversation when both parties are drunk. We had a further chat on the train about the evolution of men versus animals
and how life boils down to simple binary logic. I never found out this guys name, (although he told me all his children's names), but nevertheless I wish him a very happy Christmas and New Year.
The principle is simple. Guys pull in pairs, one guy acts as 'wingman' and diverts the attention of the the girl accompanying the 'victim' so that his friend can work his magic on the girl he wants to chat up.
It's a noble sacrifice though I suppose it can also be rewarding for the wingman if the friend is attractive.
My own experience was enlightening to say the least. Whilst chatting to two girlfriends who happened to be having their christmas party locally, a smooth talking guy sidles up and starts on one of my friends. Obviously wanting to broaden his chances of success, he attempted to lure me into his web at the same time. Not wanting to be unsociable, we relented and asked his name and profession to be told that his name was Barry and that he was a dancer. Not just any old dancer but 'MC Hammer' no less. Ever the sceptics, we asked for a demonstration and
were very much disappointed by his moves. Minutes later, his 'friend' appears (with a pint) and pretends to prise Barry away. Unsuccessful, he starts to apologise to me on behalf of Barry and introduces himself. At this point I find out that Barry's real name is actually Dave (?!). Busted!
This duo moved on later to another couple of girls but only managed to hold their attention for 5 minutes.
Guys - it pays to show a little honesty!
Whilst waiting for a tube train home, a guy sitting on the same seat as me remarked on the presents I was holding. Amused (and drunk), I described my gifts - one of them being a small jar of sand from the Sahara that my best friend gave me. I expressed curiosity on the colour of the sand as my memories of the Sahara were of grey sand, and not the beautiful yellow sand in the jar that I was holding. This guy, who was also drunk, told me that he had read recently in a book that the climatic changes in the desert meant that the colour of the sand could change,
and also told me that apparently sand can hold water which means that it is possible for plants to grow seasonally. I haven't as yet verified the facts that he told me but it was kind of surreal to have this kind of conversation when both parties are drunk. We had a further chat on the train about the evolution of men versus animals
and how life boils down to simple binary logic. I never found out this guys name, (although he told me all his children's names), but nevertheless I wish him a very happy Christmas and New Year.
Monday, December 20, 2004
Subtitled in..
It seems that foreign language films have featured pretty heavily on my viewing choices recently.
After the frustrating non-end to the Danish The Kingdom, I followed it up with Luc Besson's La Femme Nikita on Saturday evening. It was the first time I'd seen it - though I have watched the remake (The Assassin avec Bridget Fonda)
quite a few times. The original is, of course, far superior to the remake with exception of Gabriel Byrne who makes a more enigmatic Bob.
Last night I moved to a somewhat more obscure film directed by Jan Svankmajer (Czech) called Little Otik. Now this film was weird.
A similar kind of story to Pinnochio, the film is based on a story about a couple who are infertile but really want a baby. The guy digs up a tree stump which looks a bit like a baby and prunes it down to make arms and legs... It's less of a live action film than an animation with live action scenes - the stop motion sequences give the whole film a deliciously grotesque 'underground film' kind of feel.
I am definitely going to look up some of Svankmajer's other films.
On the opposite scale, I also revisited my childhood by watching a few episodes of Dungeons and Dragons, and Bananaman. They were bad. Especially Bananaman. Good grief, if I had only realised as a child just how camp he was. Still, there's a lesson to be learnt in that as an adult, you should never try to ressurect your childhood - leave them as fond memories! You'll never be able to work out jus t
why you used to love Angel Delight (artificial gunge posing as mousse), Rainbow (smutty kids program full of sexual innuendoes), and Global Hypercolour T-Shirts (which just highlighted how sweaty you were)
After the frustrating non-end to the Danish The Kingdom, I followed it up with Luc Besson's La Femme Nikita on Saturday evening. It was the first time I'd seen it - though I have watched the remake (The Assassin avec Bridget Fonda)
quite a few times. The original is, of course, far superior to the remake with exception of Gabriel Byrne who makes a more enigmatic Bob.
Last night I moved to a somewhat more obscure film directed by Jan Svankmajer (Czech) called Little Otik. Now this film was weird.
A similar kind of story to Pinnochio, the film is based on a story about a couple who are infertile but really want a baby. The guy digs up a tree stump which looks a bit like a baby and prunes it down to make arms and legs... It's less of a live action film than an animation with live action scenes - the stop motion sequences give the whole film a deliciously grotesque 'underground film' kind of feel.
I am definitely going to look up some of Svankmajer's other films.
On the opposite scale, I also revisited my childhood by watching a few episodes of Dungeons and Dragons, and Bananaman. They were bad. Especially Bananaman. Good grief, if I had only realised as a child just how camp he was. Still, there's a lesson to be learnt in that as an adult, you should never try to ressurect your childhood - leave them as fond memories! You'll never be able to work out jus t
why you used to love Angel Delight (artificial gunge posing as mousse), Rainbow (smutty kids program full of sexual innuendoes), and Global Hypercolour T-Shirts (which just highlighted how sweaty you were)
Friday, December 17, 2004
lady in red
Well that's the Xmas Party over once again. Much like last year, I left the party sober but this time I stayed until the very end.
Thirsty for more, we moved on for more drinking but despite having gotten home at 3am I still managed to get into work today feeling my usual chirpy self.
This years party was themed on Austin Powers - we had some guy dressed up as Austin, a very attractive Felicity Shagwell in a black catsuit and some
lovely ladies in black and white outfits. So we had dancing and we had drinking and some eating - it was all good fun and the only vicious rumour I have
heard this morning was that a certain lady in the office got rather intimate with the shoeshine guy... Though what the shoeshine guy was doing at the
party was anyones guess - he wasn't shining shoes that's for sure.
My nightmare with outfits was also unrealised - my red Karen Millen dress was very popular and I made some new friends whose names I don't remember.
I have a quiet weekend ahead, I'm on call and have to be up at 7am tomorrow to check our overnight processing so I don't expect to be up to
much. As I'm on call, that's my excuse to avoid Christmas shopping!
An unexpected blessing perhaps.
Thirsty for more, we moved on for more drinking but despite having gotten home at 3am I still managed to get into work today feeling my usual chirpy self.
This years party was themed on Austin Powers - we had some guy dressed up as Austin, a very attractive Felicity Shagwell in a black catsuit and some
lovely ladies in black and white outfits. So we had dancing and we had drinking and some eating - it was all good fun and the only vicious rumour I have
heard this morning was that a certain lady in the office got rather intimate with the shoeshine guy... Though what the shoeshine guy was doing at the
party was anyones guess - he wasn't shining shoes that's for sure.
My nightmare with outfits was also unrealised - my red Karen Millen dress was very popular and I made some new friends whose names I don't remember.
I have a quiet weekend ahead, I'm on call and have to be up at 7am tomorrow to check our overnight processing so I don't expect to be up to
much. As I'm on call, that's my excuse to avoid Christmas shopping!
An unexpected blessing perhaps.
Thursday, December 16, 2004
Starbucks and software design principles
I read this great article on boingboing.net - and I was impressed. Much could be said about that institution that is Starbucks but this is not what I would have had in mind.
It made me smile.. but I am a geek.
It made me smile.. but I am a geek.
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
keeping wired
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
dissatisfaction
Noooooooooooooooooo.....
That is so unfair. I've just watched the remaining two episodes of The Kingdom and not only does it not end, but there is a major cliffhanger. Furthermore, they never released the final part outside of Denmark.
Bastards.
I will now be haunted for the rest of the night by the visions of a woman giving birth to a full grown man.
That is so unfair. I've just watched the remaining two episodes of The Kingdom and not only does it not end, but there is a major cliffhanger. Furthermore, they never released the final part outside of Denmark.
Bastards.
I will now be haunted for the rest of the night by the visions of a woman giving birth to a full grown man.
Monday, December 13, 2004
Bovine Blues
Argh the dilemma of having to get up obscenely early in the morning but wanting to watch the end of a very interesting series...
I just watched 3 episodes of Lars Von Triers' "The Kingdom". Episode 3 has just ended on a bit of a cliffhanger and I really want to see how it ends but its almost 1am and I need to be up before 6 to get the train into London. I have bowed out and turned it off but the story and characters keep floating in my mind.
If I am unlucky I will dream about it tonight - and I say unlucky because it is a ghost story...
Haven't achieved anything whatsoever this weekend. I count that as a good thing. Today I had a roast dinner, marvelled at japanese womens wrestling on Sky, spent well over £20 trying to win £6000 on some dumb (highly lucrative) Sky quiz channel, and puzzled over my sick cow. The cow is not milking and in fact has not been 'milkable' since I bought it. Maybe she's sick.
I just watched 3 episodes of Lars Von Triers' "The Kingdom". Episode 3 has just ended on a bit of a cliffhanger and I really want to see how it ends but its almost 1am and I need to be up before 6 to get the train into London. I have bowed out and turned it off but the story and characters keep floating in my mind.
If I am unlucky I will dream about it tonight - and I say unlucky because it is a ghost story...
Haven't achieved anything whatsoever this weekend. I count that as a good thing. Today I had a roast dinner, marvelled at japanese womens wrestling on Sky, spent well over £20 trying to win £6000 on some dumb (highly lucrative) Sky quiz channel, and puzzled over my sick cow. The cow is not milking and in fact has not been 'milkable' since I bought it. Maybe she's sick.
Sunday, December 12, 2004
Big feet - big shoes
Well at least Julian Clary didn't win. I was rooting for Denise Lewis personally but the majority was with the other couple.
I ended up watching Notting Hill again on channel 4. I do like this film a lot though it is an incredibly unlikely story. And I actually think Notting Hill is a bit of a dive. Guess you can glamourise just about anything and anywhere with the right camera angles ;)
Rhys Ifans is brilliant in this and for me, I thought that Gina Mckee outshone Julia Roberts in the beauty department.
Something that made me stop and think:- in the film Julia Roberts asks why men are so fascinated with breasts. I have always wondered that as well. They're fatty, functional appendages used for feeding babies. If someone could explain?
I ended up watching Notting Hill again on channel 4. I do like this film a lot though it is an incredibly unlikely story. And I actually think Notting Hill is a bit of a dive. Guess you can glamourise just about anything and anywhere with the right camera angles ;)
Rhys Ifans is brilliant in this and for me, I thought that Gina Mckee outshone Julia Roberts in the beauty department.
Something that made me stop and think:- in the film Julia Roberts asks why men are so fascinated with breasts. I have always wondered that as well. They're fatty, functional appendages used for feeding babies. If someone could explain?
Saturday, December 11, 2004
Aftermath of a christmas party
Our team christmas party last Thursday was truly excessive. I outdid myself on all counts.For my efforts I now have bruises down one side, my right bum cheek really hurts and I can't sit down without wincing. Walking is also difficult.
The venue for our drinks was the Medicine Bar in Shoreditch. I've never been there before - it's quite nice, 3 storeys with a DJ in the basement. We had the upstairs reserved for us. As it was a manager sponsored event - ie free drinks for us - we didn't hold back and started on the champagne. By now I'm thinking that I should probably have built up some sort of tolerance to that stuff but I got exceedingly inebriated anyway and ended up falling down the stairs. At the time I was more bothered about losing my champagne glass to the floor, by the time I got home I was starting to feel the pain.
The best and worst things about the 'day after' are hearing about the things that you allegedly did and said whilst grossly drunk. I was particularly embarrassed when my manager told me that he remembered picking me up off the floor at one point (absent from my memory), me feeding him pistachios whilst he was trying to talk, and me telling him how much I hated my last manager (who stills works for the bank). Plenty of blackmail opportunities there then.
So now I am looking forward to a relaxing weekend, I have come back to my weekend retreat in the country where everything shuts down at 5pm. I might have a little pasta, a glass of wine or two and settle in to the final of Strictly Come Dancing.
Please please please do not let Julian Clary win - he can't dance for beans.
The venue for our drinks was the Medicine Bar in Shoreditch. I've never been there before - it's quite nice, 3 storeys with a DJ in the basement. We had the upstairs reserved for us. As it was a manager sponsored event - ie free drinks for us - we didn't hold back and started on the champagne. By now I'm thinking that I should probably have built up some sort of tolerance to that stuff but I got exceedingly inebriated anyway and ended up falling down the stairs. At the time I was more bothered about losing my champagne glass to the floor, by the time I got home I was starting to feel the pain.
The best and worst things about the 'day after' are hearing about the things that you allegedly did and said whilst grossly drunk. I was particularly embarrassed when my manager told me that he remembered picking me up off the floor at one point (absent from my memory), me feeding him pistachios whilst he was trying to talk, and me telling him how much I hated my last manager (who stills works for the bank). Plenty of blackmail opportunities there then.
So now I am looking forward to a relaxing weekend, I have come back to my weekend retreat in the country where everything shuts down at 5pm. I might have a little pasta, a glass of wine or two and settle in to the final of Strictly Come Dancing.
Please please please do not let Julian Clary win - he can't dance for beans.
Friday, December 10, 2004
in stasis
There's a knot at the pit of my stomach which doesn't seem to go away whatever I do. (and I don't think it has to do with that spicy bowl of noodles my brother just made me)
I think it's fear.
I am usually quite a confident person. I like to think that I know what I'm doing, what I want to be doing and what I need to be doing to achieve what I want from life. Today is different. I don't think I've ever felt so unsure of myself. I find myself questioning everything - does it really matter, is it really what I want, is it really that important to me. And I have no answers. I sometimes worry that I take life a little too seriously, that I always make the 'right' choices rather than trusting in my instincts.
I'm probably more than a little influenced by a friend I had dinner with the other night who has spent 18 months travelling around Asia and Australia. Listening to his stories about trekking in Nepal and learning to cook in Thailand I have the greatest urge to sell my house, quit my job and disappear for a year. I'd love to visit Cambodia, to travel through China, have fun in Australia, learn a new language or two. I'd love to do this before it's too late and I get too comfortable in my life. Fear holds me back. I'm torn between travelling, and quitting my job anyway to pursue something new, a dream of mine.
I have so many choices. So many possibilities. I'm petrified of heights, I feel like I'm standing at the edge of a cliff peering over. I can retreat to safety or grab a parachute and make the jump. Or I can do what I feel like I'm doing now - stand and falter.
I used to be so scared of ending up having a 'mundane' life. So scared I sought a reverend for advice and counselling. Now I find it staring me in the face and I don't know which way to go.
Maybe I'll sleep on this.
I think it's fear.
I am usually quite a confident person. I like to think that I know what I'm doing, what I want to be doing and what I need to be doing to achieve what I want from life. Today is different. I don't think I've ever felt so unsure of myself. I find myself questioning everything - does it really matter, is it really what I want, is it really that important to me. And I have no answers. I sometimes worry that I take life a little too seriously, that I always make the 'right' choices rather than trusting in my instincts.
I'm probably more than a little influenced by a friend I had dinner with the other night who has spent 18 months travelling around Asia and Australia. Listening to his stories about trekking in Nepal and learning to cook in Thailand I have the greatest urge to sell my house, quit my job and disappear for a year. I'd love to visit Cambodia, to travel through China, have fun in Australia, learn a new language or two. I'd love to do this before it's too late and I get too comfortable in my life. Fear holds me back. I'm torn between travelling, and quitting my job anyway to pursue something new, a dream of mine.
I have so many choices. So many possibilities. I'm petrified of heights, I feel like I'm standing at the edge of a cliff peering over. I can retreat to safety or grab a parachute and make the jump. Or I can do what I feel like I'm doing now - stand and falter.
I used to be so scared of ending up having a 'mundane' life. So scared I sought a reverend for advice and counselling. Now I find it staring me in the face and I don't know which way to go.
Maybe I'll sleep on this.
Saturday, December 04, 2004
Rebirth
I feel totally rejuvenated today. It's like the mist that has been hanging all around me suddenly cleared this morning and I am back to my usual self.
I didn't even realise how much I have changed in the last few months, not until this morning. I feel more confident, more focussed and more motivated than I have for a long time.
I haven't had the most exciting day really, my plans of cultivating my sense of culture was rudely disturbed by the sadly lacking IT skills of my mother, and so I have had to travel all the way to the Essex coast to fix up her pc. Not the best way to spend my Saturday, doing windows updates and installing virus software, but I guess spending time with family is pretty important. And it will definitely handy to be able to email my parents from work :)
Tonight, I will be expecting my dad to accompany me down to the casino where I will enjoy a nice dinner and ogle at the male croupiers, I mean play a few hands of poker.
No doubt tonight the essex flyboys will be out in full force with their Supra bodykits and shiny blue lights. I guess there is culture to be had anywhere :)
I didn't even realise how much I have changed in the last few months, not until this morning. I feel more confident, more focussed and more motivated than I have for a long time.
I haven't had the most exciting day really, my plans of cultivating my sense of culture was rudely disturbed by the sadly lacking IT skills of my mother, and so I have had to travel all the way to the Essex coast to fix up her pc. Not the best way to spend my Saturday, doing windows updates and installing virus software, but I guess spending time with family is pretty important. And it will definitely handy to be able to email my parents from work :)
Tonight, I will be expecting my dad to accompany me down to the casino where I will enjoy a nice dinner and ogle at the male croupiers, I mean play a few hands of poker.
No doubt tonight the essex flyboys will be out in full force with their Supra bodykits and shiny blue lights. I guess there is culture to be had anywhere :)
Friday, December 03, 2004
Yuletide feelings
It's been a long old day. Oddly, as soon as I left the house to go to work I felt somewhat more cheerful - but that was probably because I'd just walked past that inflatable snowman, who has now been joined by an equally awful inflatable Father Christmas.
My day at work was the worst Friday that I've had to endure for a long time, leading to the latest that I've had to stay in the office on a Friday for months. Still, I was able to maintain my usual cheerful self despite it all. Plus that greasy breakfast really helped :)
I was soo surprised in the afternoon when I received an email from that architect guy I met last night! Obviously I must have given him my email address as well and completely forgotten all about it. It turns out that his company also kitted out our latest office down the road... Oh well, I'm sure that it's always useful to know an architect or two.
Tomorrow I have the dubious pleasure of having to sort out my mum's PC. She is a broadband newbie (and a PC one at that) and was perplexed when she couldn't access any secure sites. Well, actually, she had no idea that was the problem but thats beside the point. I spent 30 minutes on the phone to her today during my lunch break trying to teach her how to logon to windows as admin and then doing a windows update. It was no go for the windows update and too painful for words for me to continue so I will have to pay her a visit instead :( At least she lives 5 minutes from the seaside... mmmmm fresh donuts!
Right, I am now off to cook myself some dinner and then watch a dvd.
I really fancy watching The Godfather all of a sudden..
My day at work was the worst Friday that I've had to endure for a long time, leading to the latest that I've had to stay in the office on a Friday for months. Still, I was able to maintain my usual cheerful self despite it all. Plus that greasy breakfast really helped :)
I was soo surprised in the afternoon when I received an email from that architect guy I met last night! Obviously I must have given him my email address as well and completely forgotten all about it. It turns out that his company also kitted out our latest office down the road... Oh well, I'm sure that it's always useful to know an architect or two.
Tomorrow I have the dubious pleasure of having to sort out my mum's PC. She is a broadband newbie (and a PC one at that) and was perplexed when she couldn't access any secure sites. Well, actually, she had no idea that was the problem but thats beside the point. I spent 30 minutes on the phone to her today during my lunch break trying to teach her how to logon to windows as admin and then doing a windows update. It was no go for the windows update and too painful for words for me to continue so I will have to pay her a visit instead :( At least she lives 5 minutes from the seaside... mmmmm fresh donuts!
Right, I am now off to cook myself some dinner and then watch a dvd.
I really fancy watching The Godfather all of a sudden..
Cocoon
Sometimes this blog feels like my lifeline. No matter how bad I feel, I can let the words flow and with each word that hits the screen, my stress diminishes.
Today, early in the morning after two nights of excess, I feel like retreating into a shell. I don't feel like talking to anyone and remorse has hit me like a tornado on an open plain. I'm not even sure that these words make sense but this therapy eases a little the confusion that I feel. I guess it was yet another big night for me, in fact if I really think about it I met some very interesting people. I have in my bag the email address of an architect currently working on a big project for Imperial College, whose small Xmas get-together I crashed when I saw their table of food :) Confronted by this guy when I stole a prawn cracker - he scolded me for being so selfish and not stealing food for my friends!
At a different point in the evening, I approached a guy sitting on his own for a cigarette - now I don't smoke but being somewhat drunk, when one of my party asked me to get a cigarette off a complete stranger I complied without even thinking. Now this guy was cool - he was like a Dixons sales person who got lucky and landed a job in real IT. He was apparently waiting for his girlfriend who was a stripper/pole dancer?? And yes he gave me a cigarette no questions - even when I said I didn't smoke :)
Despite all this I feel wretched, jaded and furious. I can't sleep so I am probably going to get up. That's even earlier than yesterday when I woke at 7am and got to work by 8.30! Today I am going to go to work, shut out the rest of the world with my iPod and have an early night snuggled with my stuffed panda.
Today, early in the morning after two nights of excess, I feel like retreating into a shell. I don't feel like talking to anyone and remorse has hit me like a tornado on an open plain. I'm not even sure that these words make sense but this therapy eases a little the confusion that I feel. I guess it was yet another big night for me, in fact if I really think about it I met some very interesting people. I have in my bag the email address of an architect currently working on a big project for Imperial College, whose small Xmas get-together I crashed when I saw their table of food :) Confronted by this guy when I stole a prawn cracker - he scolded me for being so selfish and not stealing food for my friends!
At a different point in the evening, I approached a guy sitting on his own for a cigarette - now I don't smoke but being somewhat drunk, when one of my party asked me to get a cigarette off a complete stranger I complied without even thinking. Now this guy was cool - he was like a Dixons sales person who got lucky and landed a job in real IT. He was apparently waiting for his girlfriend who was a stripper/pole dancer?? And yes he gave me a cigarette no questions - even when I said I didn't smoke :)
Despite all this I feel wretched, jaded and furious. I can't sleep so I am probably going to get up. That's even earlier than yesterday when I woke at 7am and got to work by 8.30! Today I am going to go to work, shut out the rest of the world with my iPod and have an early night snuggled with my stuffed panda.
Wednesday, December 01, 2004
I told you I was a team player
I had some trouble sleeping last night. Suddenly wide awake at 4am I contemplated actually getting up and perhaps reading a book or something but knowing that it would wreck any chances of doing anything constructive at work today I tried to go back to sleep. In actual fact, this is the best way of getting REM sleep - thus making sure that you have dreams. And dream I did....
In one part of my dream it was snowing. I was inside a building which looked a little like a school classroom with my brother, and housemate and some other people I don't remember. We started having a snowball fight with people downstairs outside the building. Somehow we were hanging out of the windows and making snowballs directly from the falling snow...
In a second part of my dream I was stood outside in a field, well technically, on a rugby pitch. I was surrounded
by the rest of my work team who were all kitted up. One of my colleagues was teaching me how to play rugby...
Incidentally he was a really good teacher and I scored my first try in minutes :)
Impressed, the rest of my team started debating teaching me how to scrum at which point I woke up. Probably just as well - not sure I really fancied it :)
In one part of my dream it was snowing. I was inside a building which looked a little like a school classroom with my brother, and housemate and some other people I don't remember. We started having a snowball fight with people downstairs outside the building. Somehow we were hanging out of the windows and making snowballs directly from the falling snow...
In a second part of my dream I was stood outside in a field, well technically, on a rugby pitch. I was surrounded
by the rest of my work team who were all kitted up. One of my colleagues was teaching me how to play rugby...
Incidentally he was a really good teacher and I scored my first try in minutes :)
Impressed, the rest of my team started debating teaching me how to scrum at which point I woke up. Probably just as well - not sure I really fancied it :)
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