I've always thought it strange how I can coast along for a while without any clue what I am going to do when along comes my answer as if by divine intervention. And sometimes it seems to appear as a strange string of coincidental events.
On Thursday I had dinner with my best friend, we hadn't caught up since before I resigned. We had a great girlie chat over a lingering dinner in a strange restaurant situated in the middle of a park in the city of London. She wanted to hear all about my plans to become a patissier. Only, I hadn't really made them yet. Suddenly she whips out a piece of paper and said that she'd felt guilty about missing my birthday and how she wanted to send me on a course in Paris to make up for it. Paris, much as I think it's a great city, I have some distaste for the old-fashioned snobbery within it. Particularly within culinary circles. So I said that I'd think about it. We chatted about lots of things, about travel and boyfriends. I told her that I was really thinking about going back to visit Vancouver this year.
The next morning I mention the course thing to my boyfriend. I wanted to test the waters to see if he wanted to visit Paris so I wouldn't have to go over there alone. I also mentioned my doubts, especially since the course is run by Le Cordon Bleu - a very well-known, and expensive company and accreditation. He promised to help me look around to see if there were any alternative options abroad..
The next thing I know, he mentions a training course in Vancouver. Full-time intensive and certified. This is when it clicked. That moment when all became clear.
I wanted to go. I am scared and excited at the same time, and it's been weighing on my mind ever since. I couldn't sleep last night for thinking about it and this morning I dropped them an e-mail to ask if they have space in the next program which begins in September. I guess I won't know until tomorrow at the earliest. And even then there are many things that I have to consider.
In my heart I know that I want to do this - this opportunity to do what I want to do properly. It'll be hard work - it's 6 months, 5 days per week, 7 hours per day. It's in a different country, away from all my friends and family. And my boyfriend. Can I really bring myself to leave them all behind for so long? Am I prepared to spend this much time away from my boyfriend, who I have been almost constantly attached to for the last 2 years?
I guess I'll have to wait and see if there is space on the course and then re-think. It's such a scary thought.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Friday, June 08, 2007
Identity Crisis
It has now been 6 weeks tomorrow since my last day at work. The time has flown pretty quickly, although I am not certain that they have been entirely productive, or even in at the least, spent in the way that I wanted.
I feel a little bit like I'm in a state of flux. To try and describe it, words I could use are:
"I am not working."
In my mind, it should be more like: "I am having a holiday."
How else to qualify my thoughts I wonder? I know what is going on in my mind. I have been feeling guilty about not earning any money and therefore not going out and doing the things that I want, but rather staying at home and amusing myself there. Ok, some of the time I have been practising baking in the kitchen, and some of the time I have been doing DIY in my new bedroom. The rest just seems to have been filed under the "Passing Time" category. It's not good and certainly not really what I intended to do. There are so many things that I wanted to do if I had the time. Visit the British Library. Take a dance class. Explore hidden London. Visit my friends who I haven't seen in so long. Spontaneous things that haven't happened yet. But it will.
The other things that have been occupying my mind apart from my guilt and lack of spontaneity is confusion. About quite a few things really.
1. I'm undecided in the order in which I should pursue my new career. Job first or training first?
2. I feel like I'm having a bit of an identity crisis. This one's a bit more serious.
When you're working, particularly for a bank, you are expected to turn up at the office in smart attire. It's an easy look. Now that I don't have to conform to this standard I am free to express myself however I like in terms of dress. I have found this more difficult of late.
I have always gone through phases. The phase of dressing up like a well-off smart city girl around town. The phase of sk8ter girl funkiness. The phase of boho-student chick casualness. Right now, I have no idea how I want to represent myself.
This afternoon, as I had some time to spare I wandered through a bookshop and happened to pick up some style manual that Susannah and Trinny had written. In it were lots of pictures of poorly-dressed women and constructive criticisms of their faux-pas'. I remember clearly seeing one comment re. some boots that went something along the lines of 'even 30 year old girls can't really pull these off'. And suddenly it hit me. I am nearly 30. This book is nearly relevant to me, and other women of my age group. When you're young and a student you are free to experiment with your look, it's part of trying to find your own identity. Youth can wear anything and make it look like it's own fashion. And then suddenly you get to an age where you can't 'pull off' looks any more because you're a bit too old for that, like growing out of Barbie dolls or cute nicknames. By then you're supposed to have already discovered yourself, and therefore your look, be it office vamp or designer label girl.
It troubled me. I tried to think what my soon-to-be-30 year old self was supposed to wear. Particularly what the unemployed look was all about. I tried to think about my identity and how I wanted to portray myself. Eek! I didn't have a clue! I am heading into neurotic territory now - wondering how one goes from 20-something to almost-30. Am I supposed to undergo some sort of transformation? Do I now need to reach for that anti-wrinkle cream? Just when are you supposed to start using that stuff anyway? Was my white skirt, summery top too 'young' for me? Does anyone else really care?
Luckily, most of the guys of my current acquaintance (and of course, haven't mostly worked in I.T most of my acquaintances are guys) are quite oblivious to this sort of thing. Men only seem to have two states of dress: smart and scruffy. At least, the men that I know are like this anyhow. I have read in magazines about all these other types akin to women such as Designer Label Man, Gadget Man, Poser Man, Smart-But-Sexy Man etc etc. Haven't ever met one though.
Still, I guess 2.30am really isn't the best time to be trying to get to the bottom of my new-found neurosis.
I feel a little bit like I'm in a state of flux. To try and describe it, words I could use are:
"I am not working."
In my mind, it should be more like: "I am having a holiday."
How else to qualify my thoughts I wonder? I know what is going on in my mind. I have been feeling guilty about not earning any money and therefore not going out and doing the things that I want, but rather staying at home and amusing myself there. Ok, some of the time I have been practising baking in the kitchen, and some of the time I have been doing DIY in my new bedroom. The rest just seems to have been filed under the "Passing Time" category. It's not good and certainly not really what I intended to do. There are so many things that I wanted to do if I had the time. Visit the British Library. Take a dance class. Explore hidden London. Visit my friends who I haven't seen in so long. Spontaneous things that haven't happened yet. But it will.
The other things that have been occupying my mind apart from my guilt and lack of spontaneity is confusion. About quite a few things really.
1. I'm undecided in the order in which I should pursue my new career. Job first or training first?
2. I feel like I'm having a bit of an identity crisis. This one's a bit more serious.
When you're working, particularly for a bank, you are expected to turn up at the office in smart attire. It's an easy look. Now that I don't have to conform to this standard I am free to express myself however I like in terms of dress. I have found this more difficult of late.
I have always gone through phases. The phase of dressing up like a well-off smart city girl around town. The phase of sk8ter girl funkiness. The phase of boho-student chick casualness. Right now, I have no idea how I want to represent myself.
This afternoon, as I had some time to spare I wandered through a bookshop and happened to pick up some style manual that Susannah and Trinny had written. In it were lots of pictures of poorly-dressed women and constructive criticisms of their faux-pas'. I remember clearly seeing one comment re. some boots that went something along the lines of 'even 30 year old girls can't really pull these off'. And suddenly it hit me. I am nearly 30. This book is nearly relevant to me, and other women of my age group. When you're young and a student you are free to experiment with your look, it's part of trying to find your own identity. Youth can wear anything and make it look like it's own fashion. And then suddenly you get to an age where you can't 'pull off' looks any more because you're a bit too old for that, like growing out of Barbie dolls or cute nicknames. By then you're supposed to have already discovered yourself, and therefore your look, be it office vamp or designer label girl.
It troubled me. I tried to think what my soon-to-be-30 year old self was supposed to wear. Particularly what the unemployed look was all about. I tried to think about my identity and how I wanted to portray myself. Eek! I didn't have a clue! I am heading into neurotic territory now - wondering how one goes from 20-something to almost-30. Am I supposed to undergo some sort of transformation? Do I now need to reach for that anti-wrinkle cream? Just when are you supposed to start using that stuff anyway? Was my white skirt, summery top too 'young' for me? Does anyone else really care?
Luckily, most of the guys of my current acquaintance (and of course, haven't mostly worked in I.T most of my acquaintances are guys) are quite oblivious to this sort of thing. Men only seem to have two states of dress: smart and scruffy. At least, the men that I know are like this anyhow. I have read in magazines about all these other types akin to women such as Designer Label Man, Gadget Man, Poser Man, Smart-But-Sexy Man etc etc. Haven't ever met one though.
Still, I guess 2.30am really isn't the best time to be trying to get to the bottom of my new-found neurosis.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Life in the slow lane
Now while I am technically still employed, I am on garden leave until 30th April so I actually get paid to sit at home, browse the web and not watch daytime TV. Oh yeah :)
My last week at work was very strange. I wasn't allowed to write any code, told not to do any documentation, so I spent my days having long lunches and websurfing. Having all this time on my hands of course made me think more about my impending future and the uncertainty of it all and I had a momentary panic as I realised that I was heading into a new career without a single qualification or ounce of experience to my name.
Towards the end of last week, I gradually became more sad about leaving. All these people that I had met, worked and joked with for four years. I didn't particularly care about leaving the company, though the money was good. It was all about the friendships that I had built. At my leaving drinks on Thursday night, I was so unbelievably happy as so many people came to wish me goodbye and good luck. Even people who had been relocated to the Angel office travelled back to say hello. It seemed like I knew everyone in the bar, even my colleagues commented to me that it seemed as if the whole bank had turned up. (and so did I when I hit the initial bar tab limit after a mere 90 minutes). It made me so upset to think that I was leaving all of them behind.
So that was it. Friday at 6.30 I said goodbye to my 4 year stint in Finance IT. No more production releases. No more meetings. No more project plans and daily standups.
THANK GOD.
Right now I am sitting, no, lounging on the sofa at home feeling the most relaxed that I have done for a very very long time. That small knot of tension in my chest is noticably absent. I have no real plans for the day, or really for the rest of the week for that matter. I am going to chill out, catch up with friends and probably go back to the gym. Oh, and play Zelda on my new Wii. Man, being unemployed is tough :)
My last week at work was very strange. I wasn't allowed to write any code, told not to do any documentation, so I spent my days having long lunches and websurfing. Having all this time on my hands of course made me think more about my impending future and the uncertainty of it all and I had a momentary panic as I realised that I was heading into a new career without a single qualification or ounce of experience to my name.
Towards the end of last week, I gradually became more sad about leaving. All these people that I had met, worked and joked with for four years. I didn't particularly care about leaving the company, though the money was good. It was all about the friendships that I had built. At my leaving drinks on Thursday night, I was so unbelievably happy as so many people came to wish me goodbye and good luck. Even people who had been relocated to the Angel office travelled back to say hello. It seemed like I knew everyone in the bar, even my colleagues commented to me that it seemed as if the whole bank had turned up. (and so did I when I hit the initial bar tab limit after a mere 90 minutes). It made me so upset to think that I was leaving all of them behind.
So that was it. Friday at 6.30 I said goodbye to my 4 year stint in Finance IT. No more production releases. No more meetings. No more project plans and daily standups.
THANK GOD.
Right now I am sitting, no, lounging on the sofa at home feeling the most relaxed that I have done for a very very long time. That small knot of tension in my chest is noticably absent. I have no real plans for the day, or really for the rest of the week for that matter. I am going to chill out, catch up with friends and probably go back to the gym. Oh, and play Zelda on my new Wii. Man, being unemployed is tough :)
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
The end and the prologue
Everyone has been asking me for two days how I feel. How I feel now that I've resigned. Relieved? Excited?
And my answer has always been the same - I don't feel any different really to how I did last week. In some ways, I feel less excited because I no longer have the nervousness that I did. The anticipation of having to hand in my notice. Of trying to speculate the reaction of my managers, whether they would make me a counter-offer.
I have been surprised by the reactions I've had so far. My manager, and his manager told me how impressed they were. Impressed with my 'courageous' decision to leave the company with no job to go to - that I was looking to try my hand at something new and totally different, potentially a new career. They were encouraging and positive for me.
My colleagues, a mixture of disbelief (one still thinks I am winding him up), encouragement and maybe a touch of regret. My friends, bless them, have been so positive and proud of me :) My family, a combination I suppose. My dad thinks I'm stupid. My mum is encouraging but concerned about my fragile confidence (she has been warning me about not setting my expectations too high). And my boyfried, well, I'm not really too sure, if I were to be totally honest. I suspect that he is trying to keep me well balanced and level headed by asking me lots of very sensible questions. Sometimes though, I really wish he'd show just a tiny bit of pride, after all, I have just thrown away a very high paying IT job to pursue a career in patisserie! It takes quite a lot of guts to throw away that kind of money and security.
I'm vaguely aware that I feel rather tired. Mentally as well as physically. I think I need a short break to give me some time to think about my next move. To charge myself. Just need to wait until my end date is confirmed - and then there will be a new beginning...
And my answer has always been the same - I don't feel any different really to how I did last week. In some ways, I feel less excited because I no longer have the nervousness that I did. The anticipation of having to hand in my notice. Of trying to speculate the reaction of my managers, whether they would make me a counter-offer.
I have been surprised by the reactions I've had so far. My manager, and his manager told me how impressed they were. Impressed with my 'courageous' decision to leave the company with no job to go to - that I was looking to try my hand at something new and totally different, potentially a new career. They were encouraging and positive for me.
My colleagues, a mixture of disbelief (one still thinks I am winding him up), encouragement and maybe a touch of regret. My friends, bless them, have been so positive and proud of me :) My family, a combination I suppose. My dad thinks I'm stupid. My mum is encouraging but concerned about my fragile confidence (she has been warning me about not setting my expectations too high). And my boyfried, well, I'm not really too sure, if I were to be totally honest. I suspect that he is trying to keep me well balanced and level headed by asking me lots of very sensible questions. Sometimes though, I really wish he'd show just a tiny bit of pride, after all, I have just thrown away a very high paying IT job to pursue a career in patisserie! It takes quite a lot of guts to throw away that kind of money and security.
I'm vaguely aware that I feel rather tired. Mentally as well as physically. I think I need a short break to give me some time to think about my next move. To charge myself. Just need to wait until my end date is confirmed - and then there will be a new beginning...
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Year of the Pig
It is Chinese New Year on the 18th Feb. This year, it is the Year of the Pig.
According to this website my forecast for this year is as follows:
Overview
Your sign is Goat.
This is an interesting year in the dating world for Goats. It's likely with the influence from other stars, that you will be involved with a person either many years younger or older than you. Also, Goats appear to have a special magnetism this year, drawing attraction from many.
2007 is the year of the baby, at least for Goats. If you've been planning on adding to your family, this is an opportune time as 'a good tree brings forth good fruit,' and this is an exceptionally good year for childbirth! Beyond this, there are many other positives in the year ahead.
In the central Palace of your constellation, only one star, 'Star Hua Gai', is in residence. While this forlorn looking star may seem worrisome, there is nothing to fear! For you, Goat, this is one lucky year. As proof of this, many lucky stars can be seen all around your central Palace(central constellation). It appears you will have particularly good fortune before early Lunar May. Because of this, don't be afraid to be assertive in making your dreams and wishes come true. This is specifically true within the first couple of months, but later in the year you may have to alter your game plan.
Within this year, you will see the possibility of activity in many areas of your life. This could involve a new career, a new home, a new child, or even a new city to live in. Regardless, this year will be spent in anticipation of change. This is a very good thing for you, and will likely have a positive affect on your career luck. If you are in the traveler, retail, marketing, or shipping industries, then this will prove to be a very advantageous time.
According to this website my forecast for this year is as follows:
Overview
Your sign is Goat.
This is an interesting year in the dating world for Goats. It's likely with the influence from other stars, that you will be involved with a person either many years younger or older than you. Also, Goats appear to have a special magnetism this year, drawing attraction from many.
2007 is the year of the baby, at least for Goats. If you've been planning on adding to your family, this is an opportune time as 'a good tree brings forth good fruit,' and this is an exceptionally good year for childbirth! Beyond this, there are many other positives in the year ahead.
In the central Palace of your constellation, only one star, 'Star Hua Gai', is in residence. While this forlorn looking star may seem worrisome, there is nothing to fear! For you, Goat, this is one lucky year. As proof of this, many lucky stars can be seen all around your central Palace(central constellation). It appears you will have particularly good fortune before early Lunar May. Because of this, don't be afraid to be assertive in making your dreams and wishes come true. This is specifically true within the first couple of months, but later in the year you may have to alter your game plan.
Within this year, you will see the possibility of activity in many areas of your life. This could involve a new career, a new home, a new child, or even a new city to live in. Regardless, this year will be spent in anticipation of change. This is a very good thing for you, and will likely have a positive affect on your career luck. If you are in the traveler, retail, marketing, or shipping industries, then this will prove to be a very advantageous time.
Back on that mountain top
It's just a little before 6am on a Tuesday morning. I've been twisting and turning, unable to sleep since about 4.40am. Still jetlagged from my return from Hong Kong, all I can think about as I roll around is work so I decide to get up instead.
There is a small fluttery feeling in my stomach. Sometimes, this means that I'm hungry but I know that I'm not. I know in fact that it's a feeling of anticipation - of excitement.
I've always had this ability to know when to make decisions. Important ones. I have this instinct that tells me that the time is right and this can happen ever so suddenly. For the last 6 months at least, I have been waiting for this fluttery feeling, this moment in which I have clarity over what I must and want to do.
But it is not quite time. I cannot do anything for at least 2 months except prepare myself.
I've been at odds with myself over work for some time now. In the space of a year I have gone from being a tentative team leader of 4 to a more confident team leader of 10. I have handled interviews and resignations. Berated and praised. I am held in high esteem and assured of a good bonus this year (or so I have been told). Yet it's not enough. My pride forces me to work hard and do my job well but in my heart I know that I need and want more. I want a bigger challenge to rise to and not one that involves corporate politics.
2007 is to be the year of change for me. I can see the turning point on the horizon though it is still slightly faint right now. I feel very nervous. I am reminded a little of that moment when I sat on the mountain in St Anton, frightened and waiting for it to pass. It always does.
There is a small fluttery feeling in my stomach. Sometimes, this means that I'm hungry but I know that I'm not. I know in fact that it's a feeling of anticipation - of excitement.
I've always had this ability to know when to make decisions. Important ones. I have this instinct that tells me that the time is right and this can happen ever so suddenly. For the last 6 months at least, I have been waiting for this fluttery feeling, this moment in which I have clarity over what I must and want to do.
But it is not quite time. I cannot do anything for at least 2 months except prepare myself.
I've been at odds with myself over work for some time now. In the space of a year I have gone from being a tentative team leader of 4 to a more confident team leader of 10. I have handled interviews and resignations. Berated and praised. I am held in high esteem and assured of a good bonus this year (or so I have been told). Yet it's not enough. My pride forces me to work hard and do my job well but in my heart I know that I need and want more. I want a bigger challenge to rise to and not one that involves corporate politics.
2007 is to be the year of change for me. I can see the turning point on the horizon though it is still slightly faint right now. I feel very nervous. I am reminded a little of that moment when I sat on the mountain in St Anton, frightened and waiting for it to pass. It always does.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Dear Santa
For Christmas this year I would really like the following:
I've been good. Promise!
- A turquoise beanbag
- A nice bracelet
- A new camera
- The odd game
- Digital Radio!
- The speakers that I've always wanted, in blue or red!
- The re-issue of the best work of all time...
- The sexiest Doctor Who?
- Dinner for two in Tom Aikens
I've been good. Promise!
go chiso sama deshita
I've just come back from two glorious weeks in Japan. What a country. I've been there several times already and I always come back looking forward to the next time that I will visit. Even though it can be a stressful and frenetic place, the culture is ever fascinating to me and of course the amazing food...
There are lots of reasons why I love Japan, it simply fulfils a lot of the things that I enjoy. Good quality and variety of food and sweets. Film and animation. Cute cuddly things. Gadgets. Natural beauty.
One of the things that I was determined to try this time was the famed Kobe beef. I went on a day trip to Kobe just for this! Sadly, it was a little over-rated although very delicious.
It's kind of strange. As I was wandering home from work this evening, it occurred to me that I was smiling and in a really good mood. I've been like this since I got back from Japan. At work I have been pretty laid back, despite having hundreds of emails to catch up on, 3 new members of my team to train up and days of meetings to attend. At first I thought that I was just procrastinating - I swang by several colleagues desks for no reason other than to just chat. I had a 90 minute lunch with my old line manager. And yet as I was walking home I realised something extremely important about myself - that I was myself again.
It's kind of hard to explain - but for a long time, since my new role as manager of the team that I'm in now, working on this stressful project, I have felt my old self slipping away. I have felt myself becoming this stressed out person, defensive and frustrated.
I'm normally quite a laidback person, cheerful and self-motivated. I get on well with people and I'm optimistic by nature. I haven't felt like this for so many months. Not until today. I realised this as I walked home from a long day in the office. I felt tired, having been in the office some 11 hours, but I felt relaxed and happy.
It's so strange. Can I really attribute it to having been on holiday? It wasn't that relaxing - I did a lot of sightseeing and travelled around quite a bit. One of the things that I observed when I got back was that this was the first holiday this entire year that I had totally been able to forget about work. Something about being some 6000 miles away probably helped.
I like this me. She's cute.
There are lots of reasons why I love Japan, it simply fulfils a lot of the things that I enjoy. Good quality and variety of food and sweets. Film and animation. Cute cuddly things. Gadgets. Natural beauty.
One of the things that I was determined to try this time was the famed Kobe beef. I went on a day trip to Kobe just for this! Sadly, it was a little over-rated although very delicious.
It's kind of strange. As I was wandering home from work this evening, it occurred to me that I was smiling and in a really good mood. I've been like this since I got back from Japan. At work I have been pretty laid back, despite having hundreds of emails to catch up on, 3 new members of my team to train up and days of meetings to attend. At first I thought that I was just procrastinating - I swang by several colleagues desks for no reason other than to just chat. I had a 90 minute lunch with my old line manager. And yet as I was walking home I realised something extremely important about myself - that I was myself again.
It's kind of hard to explain - but for a long time, since my new role as manager of the team that I'm in now, working on this stressful project, I have felt my old self slipping away. I have felt myself becoming this stressed out person, defensive and frustrated.
I'm normally quite a laidback person, cheerful and self-motivated. I get on well with people and I'm optimistic by nature. I haven't felt like this for so many months. Not until today. I realised this as I walked home from a long day in the office. I felt tired, having been in the office some 11 hours, but I felt relaxed and happy.
It's so strange. Can I really attribute it to having been on holiday? It wasn't that relaxing - I did a lot of sightseeing and travelled around quite a bit. One of the things that I observed when I got back was that this was the first holiday this entire year that I had totally been able to forget about work. Something about being some 6000 miles away probably helped.
I like this me. She's cute.
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
rejuvenation
I am feeling somewhat nostalgic and thoughtful. This often happens when I am forced to think back to the past.
The house is an absolute mess at the moment. The garage has been knocked down so a lot of stuff is floating around indoors. In a moment of idleness I started rummaging around and discovered a box of receipts and letters dating back to 2000. 5 years worth of purchase history. Meals, gifts, tickets to films and musicals. My very first Valentines Cards.
*sigh* 6 years later and where am I now?
I actually feel a lot happier at the moment than I have for quite a long time. Ever since I cut my hair actually, just over a week ago. My hair was halfway down my back. As I sat in the salon arguing about how much to trim off, I realised that what I really wanted was something brand new. The last time I cut my hair that drastically was in 1998. At the very last minute I decided to cut it all off.
It feels good, like shedding an old skin. That hair represented the stress that I had gone through at home, at work. I walked out of the salon feeling shiny and new and totally energised.
This along with my detox, I realised something important. That I wasn't making enough time for myself. At work, I concentrated on my team, on the task. At home I spent most of my time at my boyfriends, or going out. I wasn't looking after myself, physically or mentally. One of the reasons I went on the detox in the first place was to force myself to make time for me-time.
In the last week, I have regained some of self-motivation and independence. I feel like the cloud over me has lifted. I have a great appetite again (much to the relief of my parents who worried constantly about my detox) and feel a bit more like myself.
Maybe there is hope yet.
The house is an absolute mess at the moment. The garage has been knocked down so a lot of stuff is floating around indoors. In a moment of idleness I started rummaging around and discovered a box of receipts and letters dating back to 2000. 5 years worth of purchase history. Meals, gifts, tickets to films and musicals. My very first Valentines Cards.
*sigh* 6 years later and where am I now?
I actually feel a lot happier at the moment than I have for quite a long time. Ever since I cut my hair actually, just over a week ago. My hair was halfway down my back. As I sat in the salon arguing about how much to trim off, I realised that what I really wanted was something brand new. The last time I cut my hair that drastically was in 1998. At the very last minute I decided to cut it all off.
It feels good, like shedding an old skin. That hair represented the stress that I had gone through at home, at work. I walked out of the salon feeling shiny and new and totally energised.
This along with my detox, I realised something important. That I wasn't making enough time for myself. At work, I concentrated on my team, on the task. At home I spent most of my time at my boyfriends, or going out. I wasn't looking after myself, physically or mentally. One of the reasons I went on the detox in the first place was to force myself to make time for me-time.
In the last week, I have regained some of self-motivation and independence. I feel like the cloud over me has lifted. I have a great appetite again (much to the relief of my parents who worried constantly about my detox) and feel a bit more like myself.
Maybe there is hope yet.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
let there be cake
Well, my detox is finally over. Well, actually it finished last Tuesday. I succumbed to the temptations of my brother's gf's birthday cake - a beautiful creamy concoction with chocolate custard and lashings of cream. I half expected to go into spasms with the sugar overload, but instead I merely enjoyed it immensely :)
After that, I had my first bit of meat the next day and it all went a bit downhill from there.
I spent last weekend in Leeds - a place that I haven't visited before. My primary reason for going there was to see Wolves in the Walls, a wonderful musical written by my hero Neil Gaiman. By sheer coincidence my boyfriend's home team were playing that day and so off I went to my first football game ever. I have to admit that I enjoyed it - certainly it is much more interesting than watching it on TV. There is a great atmosphere and cameraderie involved - particularly this one gent in front of me who shouted all sorts of abuse at the linesman. Leeds won. Miraculously :)
After that, I had my first bit of meat the next day and it all went a bit downhill from there.
I spent last weekend in Leeds - a place that I haven't visited before. My primary reason for going there was to see Wolves in the Walls, a wonderful musical written by my hero Neil Gaiman. By sheer coincidence my boyfriend's home team were playing that day and so off I went to my first football game ever. I have to admit that I enjoyed it - certainly it is much more interesting than watching it on TV. There is a great atmosphere and cameraderie involved - particularly this one gent in front of me who shouted all sorts of abuse at the linesman. Leeds won. Miraculously :)
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Walking on water
I went to see this rather interesting art installation today at Dilston Grove
It's called Bridge. I read about it on some website and decided that it would be worth a look. The artist has created an artificial kind of lake inside this old church - and filled it with black black water. He has also created a bridge which consists of a small platform - when you stand on one step, another rises up to become the next step. You follow these steps to the centre of the lake and it feels kind of weird because you are entirely surrounded by water, standing on this tiny step. I was pretty apprehensive about it, especially since you have to sign a risk assessment form before you go in :)
Having said that, it was pretty cool.
It's called Bridge. I read about it on some website and decided that it would be worth a look. The artist has created an artificial kind of lake inside this old church - and filled it with black black water. He has also created a bridge which consists of a small platform - when you stand on one step, another rises up to become the next step. You follow these steps to the centre of the lake and it feels kind of weird because you are entirely surrounded by water, standing on this tiny step. I was pretty apprehensive about it, especially since you have to sign a risk assessment form before you go in :)
Having said that, it was pretty cool.
One down, three to go (weeks that is)
Woohoo! I have survived my first week of detox!
Today marked day 8 of my programme and I have to say that I am rather pleased. I'm feeling pretty good - and even though I haven't been following the stupid 'affirmations' or 10 mins relaxation bits, I still feel pretty relaxed. Some of this is probably attributed to the fact that I haven't been to work since Wednesday, and the session in the gym on Friday also helped. It was great to have a good workout followed by a good soak in the jacuzzi.
The good things so far about being on my detox programme:
And the bad:
Am on another two day course tomorrow. Another lean lunch for me no doubt :(
Today marked day 8 of my programme and I have to say that I am rather pleased. I'm feeling pretty good - and even though I haven't been following the stupid 'affirmations' or 10 mins relaxation bits, I still feel pretty relaxed. Some of this is probably attributed to the fact that I haven't been to work since Wednesday, and the session in the gym on Friday also helped. It was great to have a good workout followed by a good soak in the jacuzzi.
The good things so far about being on my detox programme:
- I don't feel so bloated
- I am finally drinking enough water
- I feel healthy
- I enjoy the 'selfishness' of the programme. ie its all about me
- I've learnt to be creative in the kitchen to make the same fish/veg/rice combination interesting
- I've tried some new things
- No hangovers!
And the bad:
- Haven't noticed it yet but it's going to be a drag on my social life not being able to drink
- It's impossible to eat out!
- Cold showers = BAD
- Even in my creativity I am still eating fish/veg/rice every day!
- I miss cakes. And croissants and pain au chocolat
- Cooking every single night of the week goes against my natural laziness
- I have to pee all the time
Am on another two day course tomorrow. Another lean lunch for me no doubt :(
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Emergence
It was a bit of a struggle today to follow my detox. I had to go on a training course - the first of four days actually - and the lunch was provided. Not being able to eat meat, I had a lovely lunch of boiled white rice (emergencies only of course), vegetables and salad. I had to forego the apple tart and eat fruit salad (but avoiding the oranges).
It's day 5 of my detox - it's going to be a tough one to see this through I think. The other night I went to see Russell Brand in Shepherds Bush - it was going to be too late to cook so I went out to eat. Everything is off the menu except for a salad with no dressing. *sigh* At least I'll save money by not being able to eat out except for sushi. And even that isn't the same since I'm not allowed soy sauce.....
I have to say that I have felt some small differences. On the third day, as I was walking home I realised that I felt lighter somehow - particularly around my stomach. I don't think I've lost weight really, but I just feel like I'm emptier inside. The worst thing so far is that with all the drinking of water, I am constantly peeing. This I am not used to.
I also felt the first cravings for caffeine today. Sitting in a very dull training room listening to someone drone on about team management, having only had some 4+ hours sleep (my own fault for sitting up reading so late), by the time we hit the first coffee break I was dying for some tea or coffee. And biscuits. Noooooooo :(( The herbal tea and apple I opted for just didn't hit the mark. *double sigh*
Roll on November.
It's day 5 of my detox - it's going to be a tough one to see this through I think. The other night I went to see Russell Brand in Shepherds Bush - it was going to be too late to cook so I went out to eat. Everything is off the menu except for a salad with no dressing. *sigh* At least I'll save money by not being able to eat out except for sushi. And even that isn't the same since I'm not allowed soy sauce.....
I have to say that I have felt some small differences. On the third day, as I was walking home I realised that I felt lighter somehow - particularly around my stomach. I don't think I've lost weight really, but I just feel like I'm emptier inside. The worst thing so far is that with all the drinking of water, I am constantly peeing. This I am not used to.
I also felt the first cravings for caffeine today. Sitting in a very dull training room listening to someone drone on about team management, having only had some 4+ hours sleep (my own fault for sitting up reading so late), by the time we hit the first coffee break I was dying for some tea or coffee. And biscuits. Noooooooo :(( The herbal tea and apple I opted for just didn't hit the mark. *double sigh*
Roll on November.
Sunday, October 08, 2006
Takeoff
It is nearing the end of Detox Day One.
I did sort of go for a trial run yesterday, having been rudely awakened at 8am by builders outside my house, I got up at 9.30 and went for a test detox shower. After washing in hot water, I turned the temperature to cold and waited for the shock. It didn't happen. We don't have a power shower - and the temperature sort of went from hot to slightly less hot to just over lukewarm.
This morning I executed Plan B :) Whilst running the hot shower, I filled a plastic basin full of cold water. When I finished washing, I braced myself and emptied the basic over myself. Eeek! Whilst I wouldn't necessarily have called it invigorating, it certainly woke me up.
I think that I ate more today than I normally eat. I had breakfast, lunch, dinner and lots of fruit and nut snacks. I have this feeling that by the end of my detox I am going to really hate nuts. I have already discovered that I don't have much of a taste for brown rice. Still, I am quite pleased as today has gone quite well. It's easy if you are at home anyway.
My biggest struggle today was when I decided to out shopping. I sauntered through Selfridges Food Hall and that was quite painful. Past all the chocolates, the cakes, the sausages and pies. All these things that I love and wanted to try but cannot have. I went to buy a drink and realised that all I am really allowed to drink is water. I have had countless cups of water and honey today - and visited the toilet more times in one day than I normally do in a week :)
Tomorrow is going to be tough. First day of work - plus I am on early support! I usually keep my energy levels up with caffeine....
I did sort of go for a trial run yesterday, having been rudely awakened at 8am by builders outside my house, I got up at 9.30 and went for a test detox shower. After washing in hot water, I turned the temperature to cold and waited for the shock. It didn't happen. We don't have a power shower - and the temperature sort of went from hot to slightly less hot to just over lukewarm.
This morning I executed Plan B :) Whilst running the hot shower, I filled a plastic basin full of cold water. When I finished washing, I braced myself and emptied the basic over myself. Eeek! Whilst I wouldn't necessarily have called it invigorating, it certainly woke me up.
I think that I ate more today than I normally eat. I had breakfast, lunch, dinner and lots of fruit and nut snacks. I have this feeling that by the end of my detox I am going to really hate nuts. I have already discovered that I don't have much of a taste for brown rice. Still, I am quite pleased as today has gone quite well. It's easy if you are at home anyway.
My biggest struggle today was when I decided to out shopping. I sauntered through Selfridges Food Hall and that was quite painful. Past all the chocolates, the cakes, the sausages and pies. All these things that I love and wanted to try but cannot have. I went to buy a drink and realised that all I am really allowed to drink is water. I have had countless cups of water and honey today - and visited the toilet more times in one day than I normally do in a week :)
Tomorrow is going to be tough. First day of work - plus I am on early support! I usually keep my energy levels up with caffeine....
Friday, October 06, 2006
Abort!
Tomorrow I was supposed to start my 30 day detox. Unfortunately, Friday being the busy day that it is, plus actually having returned to the gym after several weeks of absence, I have come to realise that I have no detox-friendly food at home save a few bags of nuts.
I have thus decided to start on Sunday and spend tomorrow planning my daily menus and shopping for food. Perhaps I will go for a detox day simulation tomorrow morning, starting with a cold shower :))
I have thus decided to start on Sunday and spend tomorrow planning my daily menus and shopping for food. Perhaps I will go for a detox day simulation tomorrow morning, starting with a cold shower :))
Monday, October 02, 2006
Prelude to a chrysalis
It's a beautiful morning in London. It was still nighttime when I left for work this morning and somehow out of the darkness, the sun has emerged like a beautiful butterfly.
I used to have these daydreams when I was in University - usually in my microprocessor lectures as these were impossible to concentrate on. Anyway, I used to fantasise about going into hiding for a month and metamorphosing into a thing of beauty - a brand new shiny me. I am about to turn that fantasy into reality (no, I am not going for plastic surgery) - on Saturday I plan to start my 30 day detox.
Ever since I watched this horrible movie called Dumplings I have felt a little bit paranoid and mostly self-conscious about the way that I treat my body. Nearing the latter part of my 27th year, I can no longer rely on my youthful invulnerability. These last few years of binge drinking (aka socialising at work), late nights and eating out has taken it's toll. The stresses of my job and personal life have also taken their toll.
I have only been back a week from my relaxing holiday in bella Italy, where I had a daily siesta and glass of Chianti - and now the cold, the darkness is settling in for the winter and I feel in need of a pick me up already.
I have 2 leaving drinks to attend this week and then, for a month, I will not have alcohol, meat, sugar or salt. I will somehow subject myself to a cold shower in the morning, daily body brushing and lots of exercise. No caffeine. No extravagant meals out. Exfoliation. And all voluntary. Have I gone mad?!
And yet I am kind of looking forward to it - this challenge of mine. My book Detox Yourself tells me that I will feel amazing afterwards. I will feel more energised, and lean. I will sleep better. My insides will be shiny and new. I guess after 27 years, it's surely time for an MOT? :)
This morning I decided against having a healthy porridge for breakfast and opted for sausage, beans and egg instead. Hey, detox starts on Saturday - might as well enjoy the last few days of indulgent eating :))
I used to have these daydreams when I was in University - usually in my microprocessor lectures as these were impossible to concentrate on. Anyway, I used to fantasise about going into hiding for a month and metamorphosing into a thing of beauty - a brand new shiny me. I am about to turn that fantasy into reality (no, I am not going for plastic surgery) - on Saturday I plan to start my 30 day detox.
Ever since I watched this horrible movie called Dumplings I have felt a little bit paranoid and mostly self-conscious about the way that I treat my body. Nearing the latter part of my 27th year, I can no longer rely on my youthful invulnerability. These last few years of binge drinking (aka socialising at work), late nights and eating out has taken it's toll. The stresses of my job and personal life have also taken their toll.
I have only been back a week from my relaxing holiday in bella Italy, where I had a daily siesta and glass of Chianti - and now the cold, the darkness is settling in for the winter and I feel in need of a pick me up already.
I have 2 leaving drinks to attend this week and then, for a month, I will not have alcohol, meat, sugar or salt. I will somehow subject myself to a cold shower in the morning, daily body brushing and lots of exercise. No caffeine. No extravagant meals out. Exfoliation. And all voluntary. Have I gone mad?!
And yet I am kind of looking forward to it - this challenge of mine. My book Detox Yourself tells me that I will feel amazing afterwards. I will feel more energised, and lean. I will sleep better. My insides will be shiny and new. I guess after 27 years, it's surely time for an MOT? :)
This morning I decided against having a healthy porridge for breakfast and opted for sausage, beans and egg instead. Hey, detox starts on Saturday - might as well enjoy the last few days of indulgent eating :))
Friday, September 15, 2006
Blink
It's strange. I've always had such great faith in my instincts. There are times when I can make the biggest decisions in the blink of an eye.
Other times, like now, I begin to have doubts. Sometimes, you feel unhappy. You know that you can change that, but for some reason, you don't. You believe that things as they are, are supposed to be, even if you can't rationalize it. Like work, for example. I'm not happy with what I'm doing, or how much I am getting paid for doing it. I know that I can leave, but somehow I feel like that would be the wrong decision.
But what if I'm wrong? What if the best thing to do were to get out now? What do you do when you suddenly wake up and realise that you don't need to be unhappy?
I feel a little heartbroken right now. I feel lonelier than I have ever been. Am I destined to forever observe the world around me like a goldfish bowl, occasionally coming up for air? I'm surrounded by things that prove that my life is real and yet inside I feel somewhat empty. I guess it's my own fault. In the belief that no one could ever understand me, I don't give anyone the opportunity to. I suppose that I fear that I am right, and that no one could.
I know that tomorrow I will wake up and pretend that everything is as it was. I will smile at my colleagues, and joke about meaningless things. Inside I will wish that I could just be me.
Other times, like now, I begin to have doubts. Sometimes, you feel unhappy. You know that you can change that, but for some reason, you don't. You believe that things as they are, are supposed to be, even if you can't rationalize it. Like work, for example. I'm not happy with what I'm doing, or how much I am getting paid for doing it. I know that I can leave, but somehow I feel like that would be the wrong decision.
But what if I'm wrong? What if the best thing to do were to get out now? What do you do when you suddenly wake up and realise that you don't need to be unhappy?
I feel a little heartbroken right now. I feel lonelier than I have ever been. Am I destined to forever observe the world around me like a goldfish bowl, occasionally coming up for air? I'm surrounded by things that prove that my life is real and yet inside I feel somewhat empty. I guess it's my own fault. In the belief that no one could ever understand me, I don't give anyone the opportunity to. I suppose that I fear that I am right, and that no one could.
I know that tomorrow I will wake up and pretend that everything is as it was. I will smile at my colleagues, and joke about meaningless things. Inside I will wish that I could just be me.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Monday, August 14, 2006
an imaginary red flag
I feel so angry. Angry, hurt and disappointed. I can feel the adrenalin bubbling within me, I feel like I want to hit something. Someone.
London is a hard place to live in. The noise, the congestion, all the ingredients that turn the most placid of people into tight balls of stress. I have just come back from a relaxing 4 days in Edinburgh. Getting onto the Tube at Kings Cross was a painful reminder of the things that I left behind last week.
The day before I left for Edinburgh, I got some very bad news from my mum. My brother, who had behaved for 3 months had spent the night before in the casino and lost several hundred pounds. This was a tragic blow. After all we had all done to try to help him - he already has a five digit debt to his name. Some of which I now hold to try and ease his repayments. I felt betrayed and bitterly disappointed in him. In a matter of hours he had undone so much. We put our trust into him to stop and he failed to deliver. What more can we do?
Being hundreds of miles away helped. Watching stand-up comedy helped. But now I am back and I have yet to see him. What will I say? What should I say? Is there any point?
London is a hard place to live in. The noise, the congestion, all the ingredients that turn the most placid of people into tight balls of stress. I have just come back from a relaxing 4 days in Edinburgh. Getting onto the Tube at Kings Cross was a painful reminder of the things that I left behind last week.
The day before I left for Edinburgh, I got some very bad news from my mum. My brother, who had behaved for 3 months had spent the night before in the casino and lost several hundred pounds. This was a tragic blow. After all we had all done to try to help him - he already has a five digit debt to his name. Some of which I now hold to try and ease his repayments. I felt betrayed and bitterly disappointed in him. In a matter of hours he had undone so much. We put our trust into him to stop and he failed to deliver. What more can we do?
Being hundreds of miles away helped. Watching stand-up comedy helped. But now I am back and I have yet to see him. What will I say? What should I say? Is there any point?
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Reaching for the kleenex
It ocurred to me that it's been a little while since I made a list. So here it is.
Movies that have made me blub:
1. My Girl
2. Lilja-4-ever
3. My Sassy Girl
4. The Joy Luck Club
5. The Grave of the Fireflies
6. Nausicaa of the Valley of the Winds
7. Runaway Bride
8. Castaway
9. Most Disney movies probably (Bambi, Dumbo, Lion King, Finding Nemo)
10. Titanic
The list is sort of in order of blubbiness with My Girl almost guaranteed to have me break out in loud sobs, and Titanic drawing a tear to the corner of my eye. My Sassy Girl and Runaway Bride are the only ones where I've cried in happiness. The Joy Luck Club is the only one to have heavily impacted my life.
What a crybaby I am :)
Movies that have made me blub:
1. My Girl
2. Lilja-4-ever
3. My Sassy Girl
4. The Joy Luck Club
5. The Grave of the Fireflies
6. Nausicaa of the Valley of the Winds
7. Runaway Bride
8. Castaway
9. Most Disney movies probably (Bambi, Dumbo, Lion King, Finding Nemo)
10. Titanic
The list is sort of in order of blubbiness with My Girl almost guaranteed to have me break out in loud sobs, and Titanic drawing a tear to the corner of my eye. My Sassy Girl and Runaway Bride are the only ones where I've cried in happiness. The Joy Luck Club is the only one to have heavily impacted my life.
What a crybaby I am :)
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)