Identity Crisis

It has now been 6 weeks tomorrow since my last day at work. The time has flown pretty quickly, although I am not certain that they have been entirely productive, or even in at the least, spent in the way that I wanted.

I feel a little bit like I'm in a state of flux. To try and describe it, words I could use are:

"I am not working."

In my mind, it should be more like: "I am having a holiday."

How else to qualify my thoughts I wonder? I know what is going on in my mind. I have been feeling guilty about not earning any money and therefore not going out and doing the things that I want, but rather staying at home and amusing myself there. Ok, some of the time I have been practising baking in the kitchen, and some of the time I have been doing DIY in my new bedroom. The rest just seems to have been filed under the "Passing Time" category. It's not good and certainly not really what I intended to do. There are so many things that I wanted to do if I had the time. Visit the British Library. Take a dance class. Explore hidden London. Visit my friends who I haven't seen in so long. Spontaneous things that haven't happened yet. But it will.

The other things that have been occupying my mind apart from my guilt and lack of spontaneity is confusion. About quite a few things really.

1. I'm undecided in the order in which I should pursue my new career. Job first or training first?
2. I feel like I'm having a bit of an identity crisis. This one's a bit more serious.
When you're working, particularly for a bank, you are expected to turn up at the office in smart attire. It's an easy look. Now that I don't have to conform to this standard I am free to express myself however I like in terms of dress. I have found this more difficult of late.

I have always gone through phases. The phase of dressing up like a well-off smart city girl around town. The phase of sk8ter girl funkiness. The phase of boho-student chick casualness. Right now, I have no idea how I want to represent myself.

This afternoon, as I had some time to spare I wandered through a bookshop and happened to pick up some style manual that Susannah and Trinny had written. In it were lots of pictures of poorly-dressed women and constructive criticisms of their faux-pas'. I remember clearly seeing one comment re. some boots that went something along the lines of 'even 30 year old girls can't really pull these off'. And suddenly it hit me. I am nearly 30. This book is nearly relevant to me, and other women of my age group. When you're young and a student you are free to experiment with your look, it's part of trying to find your own identity. Youth can wear anything and make it look like it's own fashion. And then suddenly you get to an age where you can't 'pull off' looks any more because you're a bit too old for that, like growing out of Barbie dolls or cute nicknames. By then you're supposed to have already discovered yourself, and therefore your look, be it office vamp or designer label girl.

It troubled me. I tried to think what my soon-to-be-30 year old self was supposed to wear. Particularly what the unemployed look was all about. I tried to think about my identity and how I wanted to portray myself. Eek! I didn't have a clue! I am heading into neurotic territory now - wondering how one goes from 20-something to almost-30. Am I supposed to undergo some sort of transformation? Do I now need to reach for that anti-wrinkle cream? Just when are you supposed to start using that stuff anyway? Was my white skirt, summery top too 'young' for me? Does anyone else really care?

Luckily, most of the guys of my current acquaintance (and of course, haven't mostly worked in I.T most of my acquaintances are guys) are quite oblivious to this sort of thing. Men only seem to have two states of dress: smart and scruffy. At least, the men that I know are like this anyhow. I have read in magazines about all these other types akin to women such as Designer Label Man, Gadget Man, Poser Man, Smart-But-Sexy Man etc etc. Haven't ever met one though.

Still, I guess 2.30am really isn't the best time to be trying to get to the bottom of my new-found neurosis.