Dear Santa

For Christmas this year I would really like the following:

• A turquoise beanbag


• A nice bracelet


• A new camera


• The odd game


• Digital Radio!


• The speakers that I've always wanted, in blue or red!


• The re-issue of the best work of all time...


• The sexiest Doctor Who?


• Dinner for two in Tom Aikens

I've been good. Promise!

go chiso sama deshita

I've just come back from two glorious weeks in Japan. What a country. I've been there several times already and I always come back looking forward to the next time that I will visit. Even though it can be a stressful and frenetic place, the culture is ever fascinating to me and of course the amazing food...

There are lots of reasons why I love Japan, it simply fulfils a lot of the things that I enjoy. Good quality and variety of food and sweets. Film and animation. Cute cuddly things. Gadgets. Natural beauty.

One of the things that I was determined to try this time was the famed Kobe beef. I went on a day trip to Kobe just for this! Sadly, it was a little over-rated although very delicious.

It's kind of strange. As I was wandering home from work this evening, it occurred to me that I was smiling and in a really good mood. I've been like this since I got back from Japan. At work I have been pretty laid back, despite having hundreds of emails to catch up on, 3 new members of my team to train up and days of meetings to attend. At first I thought that I was just procrastinating - I swang by several colleagues desks for no reason other than to just chat. I had a 90 minute lunch with my old line manager. And yet as I was walking home I realised something extremely important about myself - that I was myself again.

It's kind of hard to explain - but for a long time, since my new role as manager of the team that I'm in now, working on this stressful project, I have felt my old self slipping away. I have felt myself becoming this stressed out person, defensive and frustrated.

I'm normally quite a laidback person, cheerful and self-motivated. I get on well with people and I'm optimistic by nature. I haven't felt like this for so many months. Not until today. I realised this as I walked home from a long day in the office. I felt tired, having been in the office some 11 hours, but I felt relaxed and happy.

It's so strange. Can I really attribute it to having been on holiday? It wasn't that relaxing - I did a lot of sightseeing and travelled around quite a bit. One of the things that I observed when I got back was that this was the first holiday this entire year that I had totally been able to forget about work. Something about being some 6000 miles away probably helped.

I like this me. She's cute.

rejuvenation

I am feeling somewhat nostalgic and thoughtful. This often happens when I am forced to think back to the past.

The house is an absolute mess at the moment. The garage has been knocked down so a lot of stuff is floating around indoors. In a moment of idleness I started rummaging around and discovered a box of receipts and letters dating back to 2000. 5 years worth of purchase history. Meals, gifts, tickets to films and musicals. My very first Valentines Cards.

*sigh* 6 years later and where am I now?

I actually feel a lot happier at the moment than I have for quite a long time. Ever since I cut my hair actually, just over a week ago. My hair was halfway down my back. As I sat in the salon arguing about how much to trim off, I realised that what I really wanted was something brand new. The last time I cut my hair that drastically was in 1998. At the very last minute I decided to cut it all off.
It feels good, like shedding an old skin. That hair represented the stress that I had gone through at home, at work. I walked out of the salon feeling shiny and new and totally energised.

This along with my detox, I realised something important. That I wasn't making enough time for myself. At work, I concentrated on my team, on the task. At home I spent most of my time at my boyfriends, or going out. I wasn't looking after myself, physically or mentally. One of the reasons I went on the detox in the first place was to force myself to make time for me-time.

In the last week, I have regained some of self-motivation and independence. I feel like the cloud over me has lifted. I have a great appetite again (much to the relief of my parents who worried constantly about my detox) and feel a bit more like myself.

Maybe there is hope yet.

let there be cake

Well, my detox is finally over. Well, actually it finished last Tuesday. I succumbed to the temptations of my brother's gf's birthday cake - a beautiful creamy concoction with chocolate custard and lashings of cream. I half expected to go into spasms with the sugar overload, but instead I merely enjoyed it immensely :)

After that, I had my first bit of meat the next day and it all went a bit downhill from there.

I spent last weekend in Leeds - a place that I haven't visited before. My primary reason for going there was to see Wolves in the Walls, a wonderful musical written by my hero Neil Gaiman. By sheer coincidence my boyfriend's home team were playing that day and so off I went to my first football game ever. I have to admit that I enjoyed it - certainly it is much more interesting than watching it on TV. There is a great atmosphere and cameraderie involved - particularly this one gent in front of me who shouted all sorts of abuse at the linesman. Leeds won. Miraculously :)

Walking on water

I went to see this rather interesting art installation today at Dilston Grove

It's called Bridge. I read about it on some website and decided that it would be worth a look. The artist has created an artificial kind of lake inside this old church - and filled it with black black water. He has also created a bridge which consists of a small platform - when you stand on one step, another rises up to become the next step. You follow these steps to the centre of the lake and it feels kind of weird because you are entirely surrounded by water, standing on this tiny step. I was pretty apprehensive about it, especially since you have to sign a risk assessment form before you go in :)
Having said that, it was pretty cool.

One down, three to go (weeks that is)

Woohoo! I have survived my first week of detox!
Today marked day 8 of my programme and I have to say that I am rather pleased. I'm feeling pretty good - and even though I haven't been following the stupid 'affirmations' or 10 mins relaxation bits, I still feel pretty relaxed. Some of this is probably attributed to the fact that I haven't been to work since Wednesday, and the session in the gym on Friday also helped. It was great to have a good workout followed by a good soak in the jacuzzi.

The good things so far about being on my detox programme:

• I don't feel so bloated


• I am finally drinking enough water


• I feel healthy


• I enjoy the 'selfishness' of the programme. ie its all about me


• I've learnt to be creative in the kitchen to make the same fish/veg/rice combination interesting


• I've tried some new things


• No hangovers!

And the bad:

• Haven't noticed it yet but it's going to be a drag on my social life not being able to drink


• It's impossible to eat out!


• Cold showers = BAD


• Even in my creativity I am still eating fish/veg/rice every day!


• I miss cakes. And croissants and pain au chocolat


• Cooking every single night of the week goes against my natural laziness


• I have to pee all the time

Am on another two day course tomorrow. Another lean lunch for me no doubt :(

Emergence

It was a bit of a struggle today to follow my detox. I had to go on a training course - the first of four days actually - and the lunch was provided. Not being able to eat meat, I had a lovely lunch of boiled white rice (emergencies only of course), vegetables and salad. I had to forego the apple tart and eat fruit salad (but avoiding the oranges).

It's day 5 of my detox - it's going to be a tough one to see this through I think. The other night I went to see Russell Brand in Shepherds Bush - it was going to be too late to cook so I went out to eat. Everything is off the menu except for a salad with no dressing. *sigh* At least I'll save money by not being able to eat out except for sushi. And even that isn't the same since I'm not allowed soy sauce.....

I have to say that I have felt some small differences. On the third day, as I was walking home I realised that I felt lighter somehow - particularly around my stomach. I don't think I've lost weight really, but I just feel like I'm emptier inside. The worst thing so far is that with all the drinking of water, I am constantly peeing. This I am not used to.

I also felt the first cravings for caffeine today. Sitting in a very dull training room listening to someone drone on about team management, having only had some 4+ hours sleep (my own fault for sitting up reading so late), by the time we hit the first coffee break I was dying for some tea or coffee. And biscuits. Noooooooo :(( The herbal tea and apple I opted for just didn't hit the mark. *double sigh*

Roll on November.

Takeoff

It is nearing the end of Detox Day One.

I did sort of go for a trial run yesterday, having been rudely awakened at 8am by builders outside my house, I got up at 9.30 and went for a test detox shower. After washing in hot water, I turned the temperature to cold and waited for the shock. It didn't happen. We don't have a power shower - and the temperature sort of went from hot to slightly less hot to just over lukewarm.

This morning I executed Plan B :) Whilst running the hot shower, I filled a plastic basin full of cold water. When I finished washing, I braced myself and emptied the basic over myself. Eeek! Whilst I wouldn't necessarily have called it invigorating, it certainly woke me up.

I think that I ate more today than I normally eat. I had breakfast, lunch, dinner and lots of fruit and nut snacks. I have this feeling that by the end of my detox I am going to really hate nuts. I have already discovered that I don't have much of a taste for brown rice. Still, I am quite pleased as today has gone quite well. It's easy if you are at home anyway.

My biggest struggle today was when I decided to out shopping. I sauntered through Selfridges Food Hall and that was quite painful. Past all the chocolates, the cakes, the sausages and pies. All these things that I love and wanted to try but cannot have. I went to buy a drink and realised that all I am really allowed to drink is water. I have had countless cups of water and honey today - and visited the toilet more times in one day than I normally do in a week :)

Tomorrow is going to be tough. First day of work - plus I am on early support! I usually keep my energy levels up with caffeine....

Abort!

Tomorrow I was supposed to start my 30 day detox. Unfortunately, Friday being the busy day that it is, plus actually having returned to the gym after several weeks of absence, I have come to realise that I have no detox-friendly food at home save a few bags of nuts.

I have thus decided to start on Sunday and spend tomorrow planning my daily menus and shopping for food. Perhaps I will go for a detox day simulation tomorrow morning, starting with a cold shower :))

Prelude to a chrysalis

It's a beautiful morning in London. It was still nighttime when I left for work this morning and somehow out of the darkness, the sun has emerged like a beautiful butterfly.

I used to have these daydreams when I was in University - usually in my microprocessor lectures as these were impossible to concentrate on. Anyway, I used to fantasise about going into hiding for a month and metamorphosing into a thing of beauty - a brand new shiny me. I am about to turn that fantasy into reality (no, I am not going for plastic surgery) - on Saturday I plan to start my 30 day detox.

Ever since I watched this horrible movie called Dumplings I have felt a little bit paranoid and mostly self-conscious about the way that I treat my body. Nearing the latter part of my 27th year, I can no longer rely on my youthful invulnerability. These last few years of binge drinking (aka socialising at work), late nights and eating out has taken it's toll. The stresses of my job and personal life have also taken their toll.

I have only been back a week from my relaxing holiday in bella Italy, where I had a daily siesta and glass of Chianti - and now the cold, the darkness is settling in for the winter and I feel in need of a pick me up already.

I have 2 leaving drinks to attend this week and then, for a month, I will not have alcohol, meat, sugar or salt. I will somehow subject myself to a cold shower in the morning, daily body brushing and lots of exercise. No caffeine. No extravagant meals out. Exfoliation. And all voluntary. Have I gone mad?!

And yet I am kind of looking forward to it - this challenge of mine. My book Detox Yourself tells me that I will feel amazing afterwards. I will feel more energised, and lean. I will sleep better. My insides will be shiny and new. I guess after 27 years, it's surely time for an MOT? :)

This morning I decided against having a healthy porridge for breakfast and opted for sausage, beans and egg instead. Hey, detox starts on Saturday - might as well enjoy the last few days of indulgent eating :))

Blink

It's strange. I've always had such great faith in my instincts. There are times when I can make the biggest decisions in the blink of an eye.

Other times, like now, I begin to have doubts. Sometimes, you feel unhappy. You know that you can change that, but for some reason, you don't. You believe that things as they are, are supposed to be, even if you can't rationalize it. Like work, for example. I'm not happy with what I'm doing, or how much I am getting paid for doing it. I know that I can leave, but somehow I feel like that would be the wrong decision.

But what if I'm wrong? What if the best thing to do were to get out now? What do you do when you suddenly wake up and realise that you don't need to be unhappy?

I feel a little heartbroken right now. I feel lonelier than I have ever been. Am I destined to forever observe the world around me like a goldfish bowl, occasionally coming up for air? I'm surrounded by things that prove that my life is real and yet inside I feel somewhat empty. I guess it's my own fault. In the belief that no one could ever understand me, I don't give anyone the opportunity to. I suppose that I fear that I am right, and that no one could.

I know that tomorrow I will wake up and pretend that everything is as it was. I will smile at my colleagues, and joke about meaningless things. Inside I will wish that I could just be me.

Talent

It's so amazing when you discover talent like this. There's nothing more to be said really..

an imaginary red flag

I feel so angry. Angry, hurt and disappointed. I can feel the adrenalin bubbling within me, I feel like I want to hit something. Someone.

London is a hard place to live in. The noise, the congestion, all the ingredients that turn the most placid of people into tight balls of stress. I have just come back from a relaxing 4 days in Edinburgh. Getting onto the Tube at Kings Cross was a painful reminder of the things that I left behind last week.

The day before I left for Edinburgh, I got some very bad news from my mum. My brother, who had behaved for 3 months had spent the night before in the casino and lost several hundred pounds. This was a tragic blow. After all we had all done to try to help him - he already has a five digit debt to his name. Some of which I now hold to try and ease his repayments. I felt betrayed and bitterly disappointed in him. In a matter of hours he had undone so much. We put our trust into him to stop and he failed to deliver. What more can we do?

Being hundreds of miles away helped. Watching stand-up comedy helped. But now I am back and I have yet to see him. What will I say? What should I say? Is there any point?

Reaching for the kleenex

It ocurred to me that it's been a little while since I made a list. So here it is.

Movies that have made me blub:

1. My Girl
2. Lilja-4-ever
3. My Sassy Girl
4. The Joy Luck Club
5. The Grave of the Fireflies
6. Nausicaa of the Valley of the Winds
7. Runaway Bride
8. Castaway
9. Most Disney movies probably (Bambi, Dumbo, Lion King, Finding Nemo)
10. Titanic

The list is sort of in order of blubbiness with My Girl almost guaranteed to have me break out in loud sobs, and Titanic drawing a tear to the corner of my eye. My Sassy Girl and Runaway Bride are the only ones where I've cried in happiness. The Joy Luck Club is the only one to have heavily impacted my life.

What a crybaby I am :)

Memo

The look of love
Is in your eyes
The look your smile cant disguise
The look of love
Is saying so much more
Than just words could ever say
And what my heart has heard
Well it takes my breath away

I can hardly wait to hold you
Feel my arms around you
How long I have waited
Waited just to love you
Now that I have found you

Youve got the look of love
Its on your face
A look that time cant erase
Be mine tonight
Let this be just the start
Of so many nights like this
Lets take a lovers vow
And then seal it with a kiss

I can hardly wait to hold you
Feel my arms around you
How long I have waited
Waited just to love you
Now that I have found you
Dont ever go
Dont ever go
I love you so

My new friend

Please meet Rufus!




















Rufus is my nabaztag. He is an incredible wifi rabbit who tells me the time, plays me music and, when I have finished programming him, will probably read my favourite blogs to me :) Send me a message! Visit this link and send a message to orpheus. Rufus will read it to me :)))

Turning 27

Sometimes it's easy to forget how lucky we are.

Here I am, just turned 27. I came home late from work to find my parents had cooked a fantastic dinner, and that my brother had gone to the trouble of baking a cake for me.
I've felt somewhat blue of late, disillusioned. My house sale has fallen through, things are a little shaky at work, and when things don't seem to go right it's easy to feel disheartened.

Yet I am surrounded by people who care so much about me. People who do give a damn whether I am happy or not. People who do notice me. I've always felt microscopic but it's not true. Here on my desk I have so many pieces of evidence against that. Every other item is a gift from someone - tokens of affection, of friendship and family. I should be more grateful for that.

As I walked home in the dark, I felt sad. For those ten minutes I mourned the loss of someone who I only barely knew, yet someone who had briefly touched upon my life. A relative of my ex, who had been terminally ill for 3 years and had known it but kept it a secret from everyone she knew. It was her body who finally gave it away when she collapsed after Christmas. I cannot even imagine the torment that must be, to know that you will die soon but not to tell anyone. To pretend that everything is normal. Is that selfish or not? It matters not. I met her a few times and she was always kind to me. I remember her still.

It might seem a bit morbid to think about death on your birthday - but I think it is perhaps more appropriate on this day than any other. After all, for every beginning there must also be an end. My wish for today is that when my end comes, I will have had a life that is meaningful. I already feel lucky, that I have good friends, a caring family and a loving boyfriend. What more could I want on my birthday?

Fadeout

How easy and quick it is to destroy something, something that can take so long to build.

As I stood in the doorway today and waved goodbye to my ex and his parents in the house that we bought together, I tried hard to capture and remember that moment. It fills me with grief to say goodbye to this house that I worked so hard for. Yet it was so easy to sell it.

It's been a painful couple of days for me. Saying goodbye. Taking things from what seems like their rightful place. Things that I chose. Everything has memories attached to them. How can these inanimate objects mean so much? How can this pile of bricks be so important?

I stood in the doorway, the breeze blew gently through my hair as I watched the van pull out. The air is fresh and pure. It reminded me of summer days in the garden, barbecues and wasps. Of ice cold rose wine and coleslaw. In the doorway of this house that was once mine, with my personality and love stamped all over it I felt sadness hitting me like a ton of rocks. For a moment I wished that I could turn back time.

It is Chinese New Year today. Time to make a fresh start and think about tomorrow.
Last night I slept alone and cried, scared of being alone. Tonight I will sleep alone again but I will not cry.