Infinite possibilities

On Sunday I watched a really interesting episode of Nip/Tuck. It's not particularly relevant what happens, but one of the main characters has an operation, and whilst under anaesthetic dreams of an alternative reality in which she made a different choice at a pivotal moment in her past.

In the very near future, I shall no doubt be experiencing a pivotal moment in my life. Realism aside, here is how I think that reality will unfold:

I have a choice to make. Person A, Person B and the middle path, neither.
I choose the middle path. In an attempt to enjoy my newfound singlehood I sign up for Tango classes, go speed-dating, learn to snowboard and find a part-time job in a happening bar in the East End. One night a tall handsome stranger joins my Tango class and as our eyes and arms lock, we are both lost in the instantaneous chemistry that occurs. We go for a walk in nighttime London and he tells me that he is leaving the country in 2 weeks. It turns out that he owns a beach bar in Tanzania and he wants me to go back with him. I quit my job in Finance IT. 2 years later, our bar is the hippest place in the country and Tanzania has turned into such an amazing chillout destination that Easyjet starts offering cheap flights there. I publish my own book of cocktails. I get married on the Millenium Bridge in London. Gordon Ramsey caters my wedding reception. Every year on our wedding anniversary we fly out and watch the Northern Lights together. I have a little girl called Leanne who grows up to be a primadonna ballerina. I eventually die of a heart attack when my accountant tells me how much money I have spent on shoes over my life :)

Well, you never know.

summer complex

I've just remembered why I hate summer.

Just exited the ladies toilets at the office which was suddenly full of ladies getting dressed in tiny strappy backless tops. I don't have anything against them wearing skimpy tops - far from it - but the only worse feeling to feeling overdressed is feeling underdressed. I left the toilets thinking that I need to dye my hair blonde and buy a boob tube :)

the pendulum swings

Life can be so complicated sometimes. I woke up this morning with a harsh awareness of reality.

I am in love with two amazing guys who both have the ability to make me happy in lots of different ways. I don't know how to choose and I obviously can't have both.
The pendulum swings but never settles.

I sit between a rock and a hard place and ponder the possibilities and outcomes. It has taken me weeks to get to this place. I have travelled through guilt, self-pity, denial, anger, frustration, the works. Now the mist is clearing and I know that I must do something rather than wait for someone or something else to do it for me.

The initial problem was complex, there are lots of variables involved, peoples feelings, material matters, history, as well as my own personal baggage. Unable to cope, I have decided that the only thing that I can do is to break the problem down to the core. Everything else will have sort itself out in its own time.

At its most basic, the problem doesn't seem so difficult:- a choice must be made, and there are only 3 possible choices. Person A, Person B, or neither.
This sounds a little cold but I have to face the facts. The melodrama needs to stop. Of course, knowing this doesn't make things any easier but at least I can be true to myself what I must do.

Early this morning I wondered if I could just leave it to fate and toss a coin. 26 tosses, one for each year of my life. A draw means I choose neither. Dare I? :)

Whatever happens, one thing is clear: I must and will take all responsibility for my actions. I wish no hurt on anyone but I know that there are consequences whichever way I go.
I will have to live with them.


******************************

You
Every beat of my heart, everyday of my life
Every thought on my mind
Every second, every moment
You
Every still of the night, every romance goes right
Every dream I deny
Every second, every moment
You
Every beat of my heart, everyday of my life
Every thought on my mind
Every second, every moment
You
Every tear that I cry, every hope in my mind
Everything that I hide
Every second, every moment

don't try this at home

The night before last I had another strange dream.

I dreamt that I was talking to my mum, and rather matter-of-factly she told me that her time was soon up. She knew that she was going to die. She wanted me to take everything in the house with no monetary value and burn it in a big bonfire inside the house. So I did. I pulled everything out of drawers, off the shelves, everything with any sort of sentimental value, threw it into the centre of the room and set it alight. The fire was pretty spectacular. Oddly, the house didn't burn down.. it seemed to be pretty much self-contained in it's own space.

Curious, I had another little look at what this might have meant:

Fire

Depending on the context of your dream, to see fire in your dream can symbolizes destruction, passion, desire, illumination, transformation, enlightenment, or anger. It may suggest that something old is passing and something new is entering your life. Your thoughts and views are changing. In particular, if the fire is under control or contained in one area, it is a metaphor of your own internal fire and inner transformation. It also represents your drive and motivation.

eliza revisited

I've just thought of an idea. I don't know if it has been done before but here it is anyway.

I was feeling somewhat pissed off a minute ago - the direct result of a conversation that probably didn't go as intended. So I'm sat here at my desk at work thinking, that didn't have to happen.The conversation could have gone a different, better way.

My thoughts moved onto how people should try to be a little less reactive and think a little more carefully about the things that they say and the way they approach a problem. There are times when one should take a more forceful approach and others when persuasion is more ideal.
This led me to think about RPGs. I love playing RPGs, you lead one or more characters through a highly involved plot and your characters have to interact with other AI characters as you go along. In game conversation, you usually have a choice of replies. Depending on your reply, the character would react in a different way. Much like real life.

There are lots of people out there who aren't great at human interaction. So perhaps someone should write a game as an educational tool to help people improve that. I can even think of loads of good use cases where it'd be useful. It'd basically be a psychometric test. Employment vetting agencies could check if potential staff would fit in, police could examine behaviour of suspects, counsellors, teachers and so on.

Damn. Maybe I should write one.

Somewhere only I know

I am now a fully trained Shaker bartender, qualified and top of my class. I can't spin bottles like Tom Cruise but I can make a bloody good cocktail :)
I have no idea where the days since my last entry have gone. Every day has been such a full day that I am glad to have a very relaxing weekend ahead of me. (I say this because I know for a fact that the rest of this week is going to be hectic)

I'm not sleeping very well at the moment - probably due to too much drinking. I had a very strange dream the other night where I was walking along a beach at twilight and I saw a giant seal, followed by a giant whale. The whale later turned into a guy (asian/arabian looking with a moustache) who I ended up snogging on a couch whilst my dad was in the room. It was very surreal especially as I woke up, fell promptly asleep again and had a dream about sitting in the back of a taxi holding onto a really big pink pig. A real one obviously. It was very clean and well behaved actually.

It's the strangest dream I've had for a while so I thought I would make a note of it along with what the animals apaprently represent..

Whale

To see a whale in your dream, represents your intuition and awareness. You are in tuned to your sense of spirituality. Alternatively, it indicates a relationship or business project that is too enormous to handle

Seal

To see a seal in your dream, indicates your playfulness and your ability to use and incorporate differing ideas and thoughts into a situation. Seals are a symbol of good luck, success, and spiritual understanding. It also signifies prosperity, faithful friends, and security in love. The dream symbol may also be a pun and indicate you need to put closure on some situation

Pig

To see a pig in your dream, symbolizes dirtiness, greediness, or selfishness. The pig may also represent opulence and overindulgence.

These interpretations are oddly reflective of my life at the moment. Mind you, I don't read too much into dreams generally, not so surprisingly as mine can be totally surreal.

call or fold

In the words of Katie Melua:

This is the closest thing to crazy
I have ever been.
Feeling twenty-two, acting seventeen.
This is the nearest thing to crazy
I have ever known.
But I was never crazy on my own.
And now I know
That there's a link between the two,
Being close to craziness, and being close to you


Today I feel that I'm trying too hard to be happy for the sake of others. I want to be moody. I want to act like I feel. Sometimes hours can pass like minutes, but today they are passing like aeons. Why am I pretending? I know why, because otherwise people will start asking questions. What's wrong? Why are you unhappy? What are you thinking about? Questions that I do not want to answer. I don't want or need anyone to listen right now. My thoughts aren't public domain, and I am happy to keep them that way. But it's hard work. Like playing a really long game of poker. In fact my life seems very much like a hand of poker right now. I have a pocket pair of Kings in my hand, it's a great hand, but there is an ace on the table. The stake is high - I could lose almost everything I have. If I win with these Kings, everyone in the game will be unhappy as there can only be one winner. I have enough winnings in front of me to keep anyone happy. What do I do?

My mum told me last night, sometimes you make sacrifices in your life but you can still be happy. She said that it's not good for women to want too much. That it can only lead to unhappiness. It made me stop and think. Everything is just a state of mind right? Can I really be happy just because I want to be? Inversely, am I unhappy because I want to be?

please no.. not the bubbles

I think I'll be dreaming of bubbles tonight. We spent nearly an hour practising our accurate freepour technique. That's an hour of counting Bubble,2,3,4 in my head over and over as I poured away my 'almost perfect' measure of water.

Had a great day today - most of the day was spent sniffing and tasting spirits and liqueurs. Vodka, Gin, Rum, Cognac, Tequila, Whisky, and yummy liqueurs like Frangelico and Midori - we did them all. Definitely beats a day in the office :)
I felt distinctly nervous as I was asked to prepare my first highball in front of the class, like I did on my driving lesson. Wonder why I felt so nervous? It was a simple drink, vodka and tonic on the rocks. Ice, vodka, tonic and a piece of lime. No shaking required. Must work on psyching myself up for tomorrow - we start on the real cocktails!

oranges and lemons

I'm not Tom Cruise in Cocktail yet. But it's not going to be long :)

My first day at Barschool was quite long but interesting. Today we learnt most of the theory, practised some garnishing (cut up a load of lemons and limes), and had a go at freepouring which resulted in copious amounts of water all over the place. One interesting fact I learnt today was that it is a legal requirement to measure gin, rum, vodka and whisky in multiples of 25/50ml but any other kind of spirit is exempt from this rule. However, there is a kind of loophole in that if the drink contains 3 different types of liquids or more, it is legal to freepour the said spirits.

On a separate note, I went to a brilliant bar on Sunday evening.. my friend and I decided to have a girly evening and took ourselves to the plush Oxo Tower bar on the 8th floor overlooking the river Thames. We had a fabulous evening, and the bar service was the best I've ever had. Peter the polish bartender mixed impromptu cocktails for us all night and all I had to do was sign the tab.. Peter cottoned on pretty quickly how much I love raspberries and knew just how to keep me happy ;)
It was a magical evening, even if it was just us two girls. We watched the sun setting, there was a girl with a great voice singing in the background, and we were escorted back to Bank by a 'gentleman' who claimed that he'd met Hugh Grant and that he was an asshole. A new entrant in my phonebook, the bets are on whether he will be true to his word and take us both out for dinner on Friday :)

I have to be up early tomorrow - and make sure to have a substantial breakfast as we are doing Spirit Tastings tomorrow %)

first day of school

This is going to be a super quick post - it's day one of my week long bartending course and I am pretty excited.. I have no real idea what to expect but hey, bring on the cocktail tasting anyway :)

to be continued..

peace by piece

I found a little piece of heaven yesterday. It's tucked away miles away in Kent, takes two hours to get to and the perfect place to disappear off to get away from the noise and hustle bustle of London. It's also got it's fair share of tourists, but given the effort required to get there, even on a beautiful like yesterday it wasn't busy.

I was free to wander along the paths alone, the amateur photographer I was with trailing far behind having been distracted by some rare looking ducks. With the wind in my hair I felt happy for a while just taking in the streams, flowers and willow trees. The romance of the place caught up with me and I played out some wistful fantasies in my head.

When I got back to London I realised why I found such peace there. Not just because it's far away, or the gardens and surroundings are wonderfully kept, but because I'd never been there before. Here in London, everything seems to hold a memory. The people, the places, the streets, even the food. It's not that the memories are bad - in fact they are mostly good, and some are amazing. But it's distracting. I can't look at, or even hear the word champagne without getting lost in all the associations it has in my life. My life in London seems to be one giant word association game :)

it's got me hypnotised

I'm just steppin' in the room like,
waiting for the bassline,
speakers that can dry my hair,
I'm just lookin' in your eyes like,
ready when the time's right,
poppin' like we pop this here,
I'm just banging on a beat like,
checkin' out ya feet like,
tip it like you just don't care,
dance like you never did dance before,
got love for the beat but hate for the floor
whatchu waiting for?

The afternoon went by a little too quickly for my liking. After my 2 hour lunch, I suddenly found myself with a million and one things to do before the end of the day,
including handholding someone through how a test client worked and having to kick off a 2 hour code build (at 4pm) when I had to be at the Barbican at 7pm for a concert. Luckily, even though I got sidetracked at the pub enroute to the Barbican I still managed to get there before everyone else :)

The concert wasn't my choice. My hugely cultural friend wanted to go see the Singapore Chinese Orchestra and I agreed to give it a go. In actual fact, I really enjoyed it. The conductor was amazing. I've never seen any other conductor move around so much - he totally reminded me of Jackie Chan in Twin Dragons :)
The second half was a multi sensory experience (except when Michael Nyman turned up and introduced his piece which was like 5 groups of musicians playing different tunes in the same key) One piece, called Divine Melody was played whilst a painting was 'painted' on a projection screen. The painting appeared stroke by stroke, first in black and white, then the colours filled in. Whilst my eyes were mesmerised by the movement of the invisible brush, the music worked it's way into my head. It made me think of a conversation I had about how much the lighting could enhance the experience at a concert. There's a bit in the piece that I remember over everything else - towards the end where the whole picture (fully formed by this time) was edited in such a way that certain parts of it were highlighted. Given that the painting was of a buddha/god with a halo around their head surrounded by birds and clouds, this made the entire experience quite surreal.

I am fascinated by orchestral conductors. They have so much power. The whole orchestra orbits around the conductor who has a responsibility for every movement, every sound. With a flick of his wrist or nod of his head (and I'm not trying to be sexist here, I am not ignoring female conductors/conductresses?? :) ) he can alter the mood of the whole piece. Tsung Yeh this evening was very athletic. He jumped and grimaced and turned as if he were dancing to the music. Like a god, he had total command and respect of the musicians. I wondered what it might be like to be where he was standing. I could imagine his stand to be like a bubble, a war chamber. Such concentration it must take to follow his music, section by section, giving orders simultaneously in real-time. No wonder they're all so eccentric :)

high liquidity

This afternoon is not going to be as productive as I had hoped. I have just returned from a 2 hour liquid lunch and everything seems a lot less urgent now :)
This is not good as I have a week off work next week and there is a lot to be done..

I do have a good excuse though - today I celebrate the first day of my promotion. I am now a Manager with no one/nothing to manage :)