I spent far too much of last week drinking. 5 days out of 7 is not good. I would guess that I probably drank over three times the recommended amount for a female my age. I considered going on a detox but it looks likely to be a pipe dream as there is always something to celebrate...
I am also wondering if I am not subconsciously trying to avoid thinking about my problems by immersing myself in the drinking culture at work. I had some revelations last week about myself that I have been dissecting ever since and it's hard work, especially when I always end up where I started.
One of the things that has been troubling for quite some time is the fact that I seem to have lost direction in where I want to be in my life, and what I want to do. The future is more uncertain that it has ever been for me. I have recently been promoted at work, and although I always thought that I would leave after 2 years, I feel compelled to stay. There are more reasons for this than the promotion though, I am actually quite content doing what I do, I love the people I work with, the environment is good and laid back. I can maintain a nice balance between work and play. Yet for some reason, I am frightened that it's all too simple, too good to be true perhaps. I am afraid of being too settled. I'm afraid of a hell of a lot of things right now. I feel like perhaps I should be aiming higher, trying to fulfil some greater ambition. I think to myself, one day when I have reached the end of my life, I will measure my success by my achievements. What have I achieved? I don't think that accumulating material possessions counts. Not in my books. It's probably pointless to worry about stuff like this, invariably things always work out in some way or another without any personal intervention. However, as I realised with great clarity one night, I am a total control freak when it comes to my own life, and I hate the idea of just waiting for things to happen. It's frustrating.
On the other side of the scale, I had to listen to someone complaining for 25 minutes today about how boring their life was at the moment. And how the only thing keeping them going was the hope of going on holiday. His wife is expecting a baby sometime in July/August. They are unlikely to be going anywhere whatsoever for a year at least. As he told me how he was trying to price up this distant holiday, I thought, good god. I would go insane if I spent every single day for a year looking forward to a holiday. And we're not even talking about a dream holiday like going around the world, or some exotic place far away you've never been. We're talking about going to a place that you've been many times before and practically grew up in. It also spoke volumes that there wasn't a shred of excitement that he was going to be a new father very soon.
So perhaps my life is not quite so bad. At least my hopes and dreams go beyond a holiday :)
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2 comments:
Can you really etch in the sand? I'd have said scratch.
The funny thing about dreams is that maybe that is exactly what they were meant to be... For example, if you fulfil your dreams then what do you have left to dream about?
I suppose you can always come up with new dreams but doesn't that detract in value from the originals in some way, shape or form?
I agree that this is an invitingly depressing attitude, but was it not you yourself who agreed that people probably do in fact define themselves in their own misery. If there was no misery then how would they appreciate that which was good?
Hmm...this is sounding rather like another posting from the people that brought you 'Yang' Milkshakes but that's ok I reckon, because I think you are the type of person that must have lots of Ying ;)
For what it's worth, I think etching in the sand would take very solid sand, but definitely possible since otherwise those flip flops that print things like 'love' 'you' in the sand (or various expletives) wouldn't work.
Life is rather like a box of chocolates, someone has always nicked all the good ones and left those stupid green triangles that no-one likes ;) Although didn't you say that you actually did like those...
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