watashi no tanjobi wa..

Around 3.45pm in 1979, a goddess was born. Me :)
Of course, she lost goddess-status back in the 1980's when she played all sorts of nasty tricks on her baby brother but she still likes to pretend sometimes..

Woke up this morning feeling like absolute hell. Throat the size of a pea, when I swallowed it felt like giant boulders were crashing through the top of my head and down my throat. My eyes hurt when closed. When I didn't swallow my head hurt anyway. I contemplated briefly whether to go into work anyway and realised that I couldn't face the trip from the bed to the office so I called in sick. On my birthday.
How much does that suck? Being stuck at home, in bed, alone and sick on your birthday. The text messages rolled in... "so.. pulling a sickie? happy birthday". grrr. bastards.

Anyway. Happy Birthday to me.

"If youth knew; if age could" - Sigmund Freud

I visited a theme park today. I was rather impressed by it's attractions, but I left thinking that it was over the top, totally overpriced and full of too many tourists. It was my first time there so it was a little overwhelming at first but I settled into line behind the americans, and the japanese, and the germans. When I reached the Diana/Dodi memorial, I didn't take out my camera.
Well ok, it wasn't a theme park. It was Harrods. But it felt like a theme park. People don't go there to shop, they go there to buy souvenirs and gawk. They wander around the attractions, pay their cash to visit the lush toilets, and go home with a Harrods carrier containing a box of chocolates in the shape of a red London bus.
Of course I was impressed. The decor is plush, the staff impeccable (and formidable -the bouncer in the food hall was about 7ft tall and built like a tree), the goods saliva inducing. I felt a little betrayed when I saw the Starbucks and the Krispy Kreme store but I suppose it's a moneyspinner. Needless to say I walked out totally empty-handed.

Having had an unsuccessful day on the shopping front, I popped into Waterstones. (This is always a sure win if I want to go home with a shopping bag). Managed to spend over £40 on books. One of the latest additions to my reading list is a book called Introducing Freud. I'm already halfway through it. People are always talking about freudian slips, and the oedipus complex and I wanted to find out the origins of his theories. It's fascinating but I am sceptical about some of it, particularly the stuff related to the interpretation of dreams ie that generally they represent the fulfillment of wishes. I once had a dream about fondling a colleagues breasts in the ladies toilets. Wonder what freud would say about that? :)

goodbye 25

For the first weekend in a while, I have an itinerary :) I will moving across a cultural spectrum today and tomorrow - today I have tickets to go and see The Umbilical Brothers which is supposed to be very funny. I have no idea what to expect which is usually the best way to ensure a good time.
On the other side of the spectrum I have tickets to go and see Carmen at the Royal Albert Hall tomorrow evening. I'm not sure if I like opera, having only seen one. I do however love the music so I'm pretty certain that I will enjoy it.

I'm feeling remarkably well this morning despite the slighty heavy night last night. Having secured a prime spot in Corney and Barrow (ugh) overlooking the ice rink, we drank the night away whilst bitching about the show-offs downstairs. I managed to attract the attention of 2 (old) guys who told me repeatedly that I had beautiful hands. Ironically they work at the same bank as me on the floor below. One of them had apparently just been promoted to MD - I figure that he's probably not a bad person to know then ;)

all I want is a white birthday

It's been snowing for two days in London. It's not settling very well, which suits me quite well. London looks beautiful through falling snow - giant white snowflakes covering everything. It seems to change the mood of Londoners too - seeing it makes me insanely happy for some reason. Perhaps it brings out the child in all of us.

Snow always makes me think of birthdays, and my childhood when we had colder winters. Whatever happened to the thick snow we used to get? I remember my first snowman. He seemed very tall back then :)

It's weird but I can't think of a single bad memory linked to snow. I wonder why that is.

declutter

I felt a little melancholy on Friday. I had to say goodbye yet again to another colleague who has made a very large difference to my life. There is no doubt that I will see him again, but I will miss him being a part of my everyday life.

There are few people that you meet in your entire lifetime who have the ability to change everything, just by meeting them. Pure circumstance. People who leave their mark on you permanently somehow. S is one of those people for me. He'll probably never know it. He is a genuinely nice person - and when you are surrounded by insincerity and two-facedness every day it makes you glad to know that there are people that exist who have no agenda and even gladder to know that you have friends like these.

I have spent the better part of today spring cleaning. I have only one room to do but it's taken me hours. Here are some of the things I have discovered:

- I have 17 pairs of shoes here in London
- That lucid dreaming gadget I bought years ago - no idea if it still works
- I collect boxes and packaging subconsciously
- I steal lots of stuff from hotels.
- I almost have more underwear than clothes
- I have 15 bags. 6 of these are totally impractical and will only fit my wallet,keys and mobile phone in. And maybe my digital camera.

I have thrown away a black sack full of stuff and it doesn't appear to have made much difference. I feel great for doing it though :)

lucidity flashes

It's remarkable how the most insignificant things can make life seem more real.

Examples:

- The lady sat next to me on the tube doing her toilette. Delicate application of eyeshadow, mascara, blusher, the works. Totally oblivious to the rest of the people in the carriage, or perhaps she simply didn't care.

- The lady sat opposite me on the same train - suddenly pulls a ridiculous large book out of a tiny bag. A modern day Mary Poppins.

- The guy this morning downstairs in the canteen. He was waiting in the queue to pay, and he had what looked like a bacon sandwich. As I went past, he suddenly took a huge bite out of the corner of the sandwich. He obviously couldn't wait any longer to eat :)

This reminds me of how you are supposed to train yourself to 'wake up' in a dream. You have to learn to recognise the glitches - events that are out of the ordinary. Apparently, once you master this, you can then control your dream (aka lucid dreaming).

Many years ago, I bought a little gadget that was supposed to help you do this. It was like one of the eye masks but modified with little leds between the eyes. In theory, the mask had sensors to detect when you are in REM sleep - upon which the leds would start to flash in a set pattern. Sadly, though I did experience the flashing leds, I never did manage to get Brad Pitt to come to my house and feed me strawberries and champagne :)

$t Valentine$ Day

What a totally ridiculous day of the year. I do think that this day was invented purely to make both men and women miserable. And retailers rich.

Let's see. On Valentines Day:

Women

1 Feel miserable if they have not received any flowers and/or cards and/or presents. This apparently means that they are unloved and/or alone and destined to be alone orever. (Bridget Jones syndrome)
2 Feel miserable if they are not being taken out for romantic candlelight dinner/walk under the stars/musical/concert/weekend away.This apparently means that their partners do not care enough about them to make the effort.

Men

1 Feel miserable if they have not received any cards. This apparently means that they are unattractive and unloved. Also means they have no bragging rights.
2 Feel miserable due to the pressure of having to buy cards, gifts and organise something romantic as proof of their feelings.
3 Feel miserable due to the cost of all these sentiments

I emerged from the underground this morning to the sight of the florist having replaced most of her usual stock with roses. In addition to this, she had even extended her stall with a temporary stall filled with - you've guessed it - roses. I didn't dare to look how much they cost.

I for one will be looking forward to going home tonight to enjoy a meal with my parents (at their labour no less).
Good luck to the rest of you.

gung hei fat choy

Happy New Year!

We have moved into a new year - the year of the Rooster. Not my year, but my mothers. It doesn't mean all that much really :)

I'm reading this wonderful book at the moment - it's called The Alchemist by Paul Coelho. It's very much like a parable I suppose, and though I wouldn't say that it was life-changing, it has certainly made me realise some things about my life and my approach to life. It's about dreams and omens and listening to your heart. It sounds a mite cliched but I find it surprisingly heartwarming. I am hoping to finish it before I go to bed tonight, perhaps it will bring me good dreams :))

before the crow of the cockerel

It's Chinese New Year tomorrow. I will be celebrating tonight with my family - there will be a lot of food, and possibly alcohol (if I have anything to do with it).

I've been thinking today about the differences in Chinese and Japanese culture - for all the similarities in beliefs, superstitions and traditions, there are also many significant differences that I cannot relate to or even begin to comprehend. I was chatting to a friend the other week about this condition that seems to be rife in Japan.
It's known as hikikomori. This condition causes (mostly) young people to lock themselves into a room and refuse to come out. They don't speak to anyone, don't leave the room, don't go to school or college and this can last for years. The strangest thing is that the parents accept this behaviour and work around it - the mother often cooking the meals and leaving them at the door for their child to eat. People don't talk about it as if it's shameful and a reflection of the inadequacy of the parenting. Japan as a society are very proud people - much like the chinese. We abhor the idea of 'losing face' just as much as they do but the Japanese tendency to keep everything absolutely behind closed doors is different to the way of the Chinese. For all their advancements in technology - socially they have a long way to go. How can a society expect progression if they cannot address their issues? Or even admit to them?

The conjecture is that this condition can be attributed to suffering from pressure - pressure from school, parents, even society to do well and be successful. To avoid becoming a failure.
This makes me think back to when I was younger - when all that mattered was getting the grades that would make my parents happy and proud. Such naive but natural thoughts. Now that I've grown up I realise that my parents did not directly pressure me to do well, but neither did they encourage me to live for myself. Those years of bitterness at never doing well enough.

Imagine a million people hidden away from the rest of the world. Living behind a closed door, passing time. They've given up because it's all too much. They could have been doctors, they could have been scientists, they could have contributed towards a better future for countless others.

We as adults have such a huge responsibility to the children of the future. Not just by what we do, but by the things that we don't. We need to protect the planet so that our children may live. We need to share our wisdom so that they may make better choices. We need to stop thinking so much about ourselves and our needs. Give up the vanity, the self importance, the self indulgence!

I feel a little frustrated to be saying these things, yet having no real answers. No real solution. Yet another reminder of how insignificant my life can be.

health warnings

Last night I dreamt that I started smoking. As I find both smoking and people who smoke very unattractive, this is kind of strange. Perhaps I want to rebel against my own ideals in my subconcious?

According to Dream-Land, dreaming of smoking represents addictive patterns. Maybe... I am undergoing champagne cold turkey? :)

no meat just veg

Feeling pretty bad today. This time, no champagne was involved. (in fact I have stuck to my New Years Resolution so far!)Somehow managed to get home but I have no real recollection of this particular journey. Woke up from coma sleep at 7am this morning and then had a rather strange dream...

I was in America - at a Disneyesque town that contained and was funded by 3 theme parks. One was Disney, and the other two I don't quite remember. One of the theme parks was amazing - I can't quite find the words to describe it but it was extremely vivid and colourful. (This answers my question about whether I dream in colour or not)

Anyway, skipping the theme park bit - I was living in a house in this town. I had the same pikey neighbours as per my house in the UK but my house looked different. For some reason, my neighbours had started using the back of my garden as their own and had built a giant blue shed there. This shed contained row upon row of giant marrow plants. Apparently, my neighbours were growing these marrows as part of some secret drug experiments where they were extracting some sort of ingredient from the marrows and selling it to medical labs. The neighbours even broke into a fight amongst themselves due to the fact that people had died as a result of these tests.

I spent the early part of today at an apartment launch. It's a shame that I am not quite ready to buy as these flats were very nice and a very reasonable price. And they overlook the old Big Breakfast cottage :) I wonder who owns that now...

girl seeking guy:

In his eyes I seek reflection
a mirror of myself
Within his arms I seek solace
from the prying eyes of existence
In his mind I seek the answers
to questions I have not yet asked
In his heart I seek forgiveness
for the choices I didn't make

From the tips of his fingers
I draw comfort and connection
From his voice I draw my courage,
inspiration and wisdom
From his lips and warm caresses
I find wonder and contentment
From his being, I need for nothing
I am fulfilled to completion.

cease and desist

I have yet to master the art of knowing when to stop. The more I think about it, the
more examples I can think of in my life where I could have spared myself some trouble if only I had stopped what I was doing sooner.

For some reason, the strongest example if this in my mind goes back to my A-Level Chemistry classes and titrations. Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that we did titration after titration until we were all completely paranoid about overshooting the tests.
For those who don't know, titrations are tests where you add one reagent to another drop by drop until a chemical reaction occurs. Usually the colour of the initial reagent turns colour when the reaction has happened - and the intensity of the colour indicates the extent of the reaction.
In a lot of the experiments we did, if your solution went bright pink, then you had overshot and this screwed up the calculations afterwards. one of my most vivid memories of Chemistry class is holding a conical flask of pink bubblegum coloured solution :(

I can think of other examples. Right now for instance. I have been heavily coding most of the afternoon, about 40 minutes ago everything was compiling nicely. I could have called it a day and gone home at 6pm but I decided to do a little more work - perhaps finish it off so I can test tomorrow. Now it's no longer compiling and I am too tired to try and fix it... Yet I hate to go home and leave things like this
because it means that I will have to fix it tomorrow before I do anything else.

Another example? Many a night sitting at a poker table in the casino, having won some money. Decided to continue and ended up losing it all :(

Yet another example? Lol. My second driving test. Whilst performing my 3 point turn manoevre I had already reversed and all I needed to do was to put the car in 1st gear and drive away. For some reason, I had gone through all the motions in my head and thought that I'd changed gear...
so foot on the accelerator and I wondered why the car wasn't moving. Should have stopped there and thought about it but stupidly I gave it a little more on the gas and the car ended up on the kerb :P
Just a little mind. And there was a spindly tree right in the way to make things even more stupid! Luckily I was quick to react and immediately 'fixed' the problem but the damage was done and I failed the test 10 minutes into it. *Sigh* Still had to take the rest of the test. My driving instructor was very nice about it despite having scratched his brand new paintjob.

I could probably go on. But I think I might go home instead :)