man overboard

Another night another leaving drinks. No champagne hangover this time, but I think it could have been.
Most surreal moment of the night? A well-respected colleague asking me if it was difficult to lay eggs. Apparently, the optimum scenario in which to lay eggs is to do a crossover hairflick and make sure that you are wearing a top that doesn't quite reach your the top of your trousers. Much as I tried last night, no matter what sort of hair flicking I did, I didn't manage to lay any eggs. Luckily for me, my colleague then moved onto a different victim and started harassing him about rings on fingers and thumbs. I escaped to the bar for a champagne top-up ;)

Tonight it all starts again. Different colleague leaving, different bar. Sometimes I get this strange sinking ship feeling...

realities of my subconscious

I've been having these fleeting dreams recently where things keep changing when I'm not there. Usually it has something to do with my mum. For instance, last night, I dreamt that all the books that I had dumped downstairs in the projector room on the floor had suddenly all been boxed up. I say fleeting in my earlier observation because I usually don't remember these fragments of my dream without a trigger - in this case, when I was downstairs ironing a shirt this morning. The books were still there where I left them, and I felt momentarily bewildered at this reality.
This isn't misrepresentative behaviour from my mum, she definitely has a habit of making changes in my life without warning. Once I came home one weekend from university to find that she had ripped the entire front of the house down and replaced it with a new one.

I wonder about the meaning behind these dreams. Whether it has something to do with the changes going on in my life, or whether it indicates my preoccupation with things that are out of my control. I am a self-confessed control freak when it comes to my own life. It probably explains the friction between me and my mum as she is a control freak too except she likes to control the lives of others...

pessimisme

Sometimes I feel so vulnerable. Life is so fragile, so unpredictable. What does it take to preserve the sanctity of our existence?

From fiction to reality, the harshness of the world terrifies me sometimes. From the threat of bombs on the public transport, to police shootings of innocent civilians. Not only do I have reason to fear those who terrorise, but I now have cause to fear those who are supposed to be there to protect us. I was born lucky. I look pretty harmless. But for those who weren't born that way? They have to be even more careful not to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

On Saturday night I watched lilja-4-ever. I never want to see that film again. It shocked and horrified me to the core - I couldn't control my emotions after seeing that film. It made me feel so vulnerable. The film is about a young girl and how she is forced into prostitution because of the awful circumstances of her life. She is exploited at every turn and by almost everyone she meets. It made my blood run cold to see the abuse that a girl can go through, by men who see women as nothing more than a sexual object with no feelings. I was born lucky. I have been sheltered and looked after all my life. But there are girls out there for who this film is a reality and my heart goes out to them. When the credits started rolling my tears ran unchecked and I felt some hatred towards men and their power over women.

I've just read on imdb that this film is based on a real person. That makes it even worse.

So I feel that sometimes looking harmless is a mixed blessing. To the good, it helps you to integrate. To the bad, it is a weakness to be exploited.
In November I am thinking of going to Thailand. I may be there alone for a while. In the back of my mind there is a small niggling concern for my own safety. Do I think that I can't take of myself? No. But for a young female to be alone in a faraway foreign country that isn't very rich, well, that's a different matter. What's the worse that can happen? It doesn't bear thinking about.

umu

oh wow oh wow. I have these beautiful hazy memories of last night - the most amazing meal I have ever had. Food so divine that I wish I could have taken a picture of every bite.

Not having seen my ex for probably a month at least, I thought it would be good to get together to celebrate his imminent entry into the world of Finance IT. As a surprise, I booked a table at Umu, the first Kyoto kaiseki restaurant in London. I had already checked out the prices, and winced a little but when you're going to celebrate, you've got to do it properly.
I wasn't disappointed.

kaiseki is a special art-form of cooking in Japan where everything from the season, to the colours of the plates is considered and presented to perfection. For this reason it's quite costly to have it, even in Japan. In Kyoto you can order it in a traditional japanese inn (ryokan) and enjoy it in the peace and tranquility of your own room.

First course was a wonderfully presented green tea tofu. The waitress explained every single dish to us, the ingredients and the seasonings. I don't really like tofu but this was pretty amazing. Delicate and with the perfect texture. The second course was probably my favourite - oyster tempura. I have never ever eaten oysters as perfect as these two. They melted in the mouth like butter and if the chef could have seen my expression, he would probably have felt rather smug. Of course, by the 7th course, with my small appetite every plate become my mortal enemy and it was all I could do to try and do justice to the effort that had gone into everything. In between all this, the waitress kept us constantly topped up with the £50 a bottle vintage sake that we had ordered. Needless to say, we staggered a little after the meal to make our way home, stomachs full and wallet feeling almost £400 lighter. Was it worth it? Oh yes. I'll be back one day - to try the wagyu beef.

As an aside, I thought that it was going to be awkward to spend an evening with my ex. He has a new girlfriend now and seems happy enough. And I'm happy for him. After the time spent apart doing separate things, we've both returned to our usual selves. There is no bitterness or awkwardness, just an easy friendship.
This makes me happy.

a familiar feeling

And so the panic starts again.

As I came back from lunch with an old friend of mine, I felt a feeling of deja vu as I saw a whole load of people crowded around the TV. Incidents reported of 3 tube stations closed, followed by an incident on a bus not far from where I work. A nail bomb on the underground. Bus explosion. It's all strangely familiar, and yet again on a Thursday! Maybe I should stay at home on Thursdays.

It's still early. They've only closed down 2 lines on the underground so far. Who knows what will happen next?

in the midst of chaos

It's a strange and chaotic day in London today. Having been out late last night, I dawdled in getting ready this morning and didn't leave the house until 9am. When I got to the station, I was a little disgruntled to see a security alert had shut down Liverpool Street and Bank which meant that I had to get a mainline train into work today.

It wasn't until I got into the lift at the office that I realised that something was happening. I overheard someone talking about a bomb going off outside. Alarmed, I hurried into the office to find everyone watching the news. About 5 minutes later, the whole of the London Underground had been shut down. For some reason, the news networks were blaming so-called power-surges for explosions going round the city but they couldn't explain the bus explosions that way....
The mobile phone networks have been swamped all morning, I have had calls and messages from people who I don't usually hear from, who have all been watching the news unfold with some alarm. In the office, everyone permanently has the bbc news website open and TVs have been turned up so that we can all listen to what is happening. We have had corporate messages over the tannoy telling us to remain in the building and the security downstairs is the tightest I have ever seen in two years here. The streets outside are quiet, there are no buses and hardly any people. It's pretty much business as usual though, what is there to do though apart from carry on as normal?

It's strange though, how life can deal unexpected events like this. I slept peacefully last night, little did I know that today was going to be like this. It gives you a new perspective on the way you should live your life. Anything could have happened this morning - any small shift in events could have meant that I may have never made it safely into the office. I'm glad I did :)

I was supposed to go to an Amy Winehouse concert tonight at the Tower of London. Think I might be giving that a miss. Especially since my friend has the tickets and he can't get into London...

thinking out loud

I sit here at my pc trying to reflect on the thoughts going around my head. I should be in bed, I only got about 4 hours sleep last night as my flight home from Barcelona was delayed and I got home at 4am. The only real reason I am still up is because my mum insisted I drink some of her special chinese soup (which is delicious incidentally).

I feel kind of fragile right now. I have an appointment at the hospital this weekend for a fairly standard scan. I'm petrified. I have a strange phobia about hospitals. Earlier this year, my ex had a hernia operation and I went with him to the hospital. I wasn't even the patient yet I was gripped by an irrational panic. I've always had this. It doesn't matter who I am visiting, or the occasion, I hate hospitals.

I guess that's not the only reason I feel fragile. I feel vulnerable. My usual shroud of protection is weak, and I feel open to being hurt by the people I care about. It's strange that my friends and even family perceive me to be such a strong person when I feel like the complete opposite. Perhaps I should be an actress. But they deserve more than that. I am not blind to those who care about me, I hear loud and clear the offers of wisdom and support, yet I hold on to my inner hurt with a vice-like grip as if to seek some kind of solace from the pain. My self-torment is not quite over but the time limit has long since been up. What do I need to let go?
Happiness is well within my grasp. I have tasted it's sweetness, revelled in it's euphoria-inducing vapours, basked in it's gentle warmth. I have found my energy, my muse, my voice of reason.

Like the waves of the mediterrean washing up upon the shores of Barcelona, it passes. My sadness. Tranquility restored once more. Time passes and with it, the balance of the scales will tip as I knew they would. The pendulum finds it's rightful place. My smile stays.