It's been a little while since I posted anything dream-related. That's not to say that I haven't had any dreams of note - rather I've had a lot of my mind and I forgot them a lot easier than in the past.
These days, my lifestyle seems to be much more conducive to dreaming. In other words, I am unemployed and don't have to get up so early. Better still, I wake up early and then go back to sleep, which is the best way to enter into the world of the Dreaming.
Of late, I've had some strange repetitions of the same dream. I will be doing something very personal, like taking a bath when the door will keep opening and members of my family will walk in and talk to me. In my dream I am always shocked and traumatised by this, but none of the people involved will be - it never seems to bother them that I am sitting naked in the bath or that I will be shouting at them to go away. Last night I had that dream again, only this time I was taking a shower. My housemate, brother, brother's girlfriend, they all wandered in and chattered idly.
I wonder what it means. I guess if I were to take a guess then perhaps I am harbouring some fear of people I know being able to see into my private self. Obviously in a metaphorical sense rather than a literal one. Perhaps I am afraid of people knowing the real me. The unadulterated one. In my dreams I am always flustered and anguished but somehow the door is always open. Is it because it can't be locked? Or is it rather that I leave it open on purpose?
Interestingly, an interpretation that I found on Google seems to suggest that dreaming of taking a bath represents a need to undergo some sort of metaphorical cleansing. To quote:
To dream that you are taking a bath, signifies a cleansing of your outer and inner self and a washing away of difficult times. This dream may also be symbolic of ridding yourself of old ideas, notions, opinions, and other negativities. Your dream may be pointing toward forgiveness and letting go.
I'm not really sure if I know what that is, if that's the case. I've already 'cleansed' myself out of a job. I'm not holding any grudges, I'm not having difficult times (quite the contrary in fact). Perhaps my dream just means that I've spent far too long decorating my new en-suite....
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Waiting by my Inbox
I've always thought it strange how I can coast along for a while without any clue what I am going to do when along comes my answer as if by divine intervention. And sometimes it seems to appear as a strange string of coincidental events.
On Thursday I had dinner with my best friend, we hadn't caught up since before I resigned. We had a great girlie chat over a lingering dinner in a strange restaurant situated in the middle of a park in the city of London. She wanted to hear all about my plans to become a patissier. Only, I hadn't really made them yet. Suddenly she whips out a piece of paper and said that she'd felt guilty about missing my birthday and how she wanted to send me on a course in Paris to make up for it. Paris, much as I think it's a great city, I have some distaste for the old-fashioned snobbery within it. Particularly within culinary circles. So I said that I'd think about it. We chatted about lots of things, about travel and boyfriends. I told her that I was really thinking about going back to visit Vancouver this year.
The next morning I mention the course thing to my boyfriend. I wanted to test the waters to see if he wanted to visit Paris so I wouldn't have to go over there alone. I also mentioned my doubts, especially since the course is run by Le Cordon Bleu - a very well-known, and expensive company and accreditation. He promised to help me look around to see if there were any alternative options abroad..
The next thing I know, he mentions a training course in Vancouver. Full-time intensive and certified. This is when it clicked. That moment when all became clear.
I wanted to go. I am scared and excited at the same time, and it's been weighing on my mind ever since. I couldn't sleep last night for thinking about it and this morning I dropped them an e-mail to ask if they have space in the next program which begins in September. I guess I won't know until tomorrow at the earliest. And even then there are many things that I have to consider.
In my heart I know that I want to do this - this opportunity to do what I want to do properly. It'll be hard work - it's 6 months, 5 days per week, 7 hours per day. It's in a different country, away from all my friends and family. And my boyfriend. Can I really bring myself to leave them all behind for so long? Am I prepared to spend this much time away from my boyfriend, who I have been almost constantly attached to for the last 2 years?
I guess I'll have to wait and see if there is space on the course and then re-think. It's such a scary thought.
On Thursday I had dinner with my best friend, we hadn't caught up since before I resigned. We had a great girlie chat over a lingering dinner in a strange restaurant situated in the middle of a park in the city of London. She wanted to hear all about my plans to become a patissier. Only, I hadn't really made them yet. Suddenly she whips out a piece of paper and said that she'd felt guilty about missing my birthday and how she wanted to send me on a course in Paris to make up for it. Paris, much as I think it's a great city, I have some distaste for the old-fashioned snobbery within it. Particularly within culinary circles. So I said that I'd think about it. We chatted about lots of things, about travel and boyfriends. I told her that I was really thinking about going back to visit Vancouver this year.
The next morning I mention the course thing to my boyfriend. I wanted to test the waters to see if he wanted to visit Paris so I wouldn't have to go over there alone. I also mentioned my doubts, especially since the course is run by Le Cordon Bleu - a very well-known, and expensive company and accreditation. He promised to help me look around to see if there were any alternative options abroad..
The next thing I know, he mentions a training course in Vancouver. Full-time intensive and certified. This is when it clicked. That moment when all became clear.
I wanted to go. I am scared and excited at the same time, and it's been weighing on my mind ever since. I couldn't sleep last night for thinking about it and this morning I dropped them an e-mail to ask if they have space in the next program which begins in September. I guess I won't know until tomorrow at the earliest. And even then there are many things that I have to consider.
In my heart I know that I want to do this - this opportunity to do what I want to do properly. It'll be hard work - it's 6 months, 5 days per week, 7 hours per day. It's in a different country, away from all my friends and family. And my boyfriend. Can I really bring myself to leave them all behind for so long? Am I prepared to spend this much time away from my boyfriend, who I have been almost constantly attached to for the last 2 years?
I guess I'll have to wait and see if there is space on the course and then re-think. It's such a scary thought.
Friday, June 08, 2007
Identity Crisis
It has now been 6 weeks tomorrow since my last day at work. The time has flown pretty quickly, although I am not certain that they have been entirely productive, or even in at the least, spent in the way that I wanted.
I feel a little bit like I'm in a state of flux. To try and describe it, words I could use are:
"I am not working."
In my mind, it should be more like: "I am having a holiday."
How else to qualify my thoughts I wonder? I know what is going on in my mind. I have been feeling guilty about not earning any money and therefore not going out and doing the things that I want, but rather staying at home and amusing myself there. Ok, some of the time I have been practising baking in the kitchen, and some of the time I have been doing DIY in my new bedroom. The rest just seems to have been filed under the "Passing Time" category. It's not good and certainly not really what I intended to do. There are so many things that I wanted to do if I had the time. Visit the British Library. Take a dance class. Explore hidden London. Visit my friends who I haven't seen in so long. Spontaneous things that haven't happened yet. But it will.
The other things that have been occupying my mind apart from my guilt and lack of spontaneity is confusion. About quite a few things really.
1. I'm undecided in the order in which I should pursue my new career. Job first or training first?
2. I feel like I'm having a bit of an identity crisis. This one's a bit more serious.
When you're working, particularly for a bank, you are expected to turn up at the office in smart attire. It's an easy look. Now that I don't have to conform to this standard I am free to express myself however I like in terms of dress. I have found this more difficult of late.
I have always gone through phases. The phase of dressing up like a well-off smart city girl around town. The phase of sk8ter girl funkiness. The phase of boho-student chick casualness. Right now, I have no idea how I want to represent myself.
This afternoon, as I had some time to spare I wandered through a bookshop and happened to pick up some style manual that Susannah and Trinny had written. In it were lots of pictures of poorly-dressed women and constructive criticisms of their faux-pas'. I remember clearly seeing one comment re. some boots that went something along the lines of 'even 30 year old girls can't really pull these off'. And suddenly it hit me. I am nearly 30. This book is nearly relevant to me, and other women of my age group. When you're young and a student you are free to experiment with your look, it's part of trying to find your own identity. Youth can wear anything and make it look like it's own fashion. And then suddenly you get to an age where you can't 'pull off' looks any more because you're a bit too old for that, like growing out of Barbie dolls or cute nicknames. By then you're supposed to have already discovered yourself, and therefore your look, be it office vamp or designer label girl.
It troubled me. I tried to think what my soon-to-be-30 year old self was supposed to wear. Particularly what the unemployed look was all about. I tried to think about my identity and how I wanted to portray myself. Eek! I didn't have a clue! I am heading into neurotic territory now - wondering how one goes from 20-something to almost-30. Am I supposed to undergo some sort of transformation? Do I now need to reach for that anti-wrinkle cream? Just when are you supposed to start using that stuff anyway? Was my white skirt, summery top too 'young' for me? Does anyone else really care?
Luckily, most of the guys of my current acquaintance (and of course, haven't mostly worked in I.T most of my acquaintances are guys) are quite oblivious to this sort of thing. Men only seem to have two states of dress: smart and scruffy. At least, the men that I know are like this anyhow. I have read in magazines about all these other types akin to women such as Designer Label Man, Gadget Man, Poser Man, Smart-But-Sexy Man etc etc. Haven't ever met one though.
Still, I guess 2.30am really isn't the best time to be trying to get to the bottom of my new-found neurosis.
I feel a little bit like I'm in a state of flux. To try and describe it, words I could use are:
"I am not working."
In my mind, it should be more like: "I am having a holiday."
How else to qualify my thoughts I wonder? I know what is going on in my mind. I have been feeling guilty about not earning any money and therefore not going out and doing the things that I want, but rather staying at home and amusing myself there. Ok, some of the time I have been practising baking in the kitchen, and some of the time I have been doing DIY in my new bedroom. The rest just seems to have been filed under the "Passing Time" category. It's not good and certainly not really what I intended to do. There are so many things that I wanted to do if I had the time. Visit the British Library. Take a dance class. Explore hidden London. Visit my friends who I haven't seen in so long. Spontaneous things that haven't happened yet. But it will.
The other things that have been occupying my mind apart from my guilt and lack of spontaneity is confusion. About quite a few things really.
1. I'm undecided in the order in which I should pursue my new career. Job first or training first?
2. I feel like I'm having a bit of an identity crisis. This one's a bit more serious.
When you're working, particularly for a bank, you are expected to turn up at the office in smart attire. It's an easy look. Now that I don't have to conform to this standard I am free to express myself however I like in terms of dress. I have found this more difficult of late.
I have always gone through phases. The phase of dressing up like a well-off smart city girl around town. The phase of sk8ter girl funkiness. The phase of boho-student chick casualness. Right now, I have no idea how I want to represent myself.
This afternoon, as I had some time to spare I wandered through a bookshop and happened to pick up some style manual that Susannah and Trinny had written. In it were lots of pictures of poorly-dressed women and constructive criticisms of their faux-pas'. I remember clearly seeing one comment re. some boots that went something along the lines of 'even 30 year old girls can't really pull these off'. And suddenly it hit me. I am nearly 30. This book is nearly relevant to me, and other women of my age group. When you're young and a student you are free to experiment with your look, it's part of trying to find your own identity. Youth can wear anything and make it look like it's own fashion. And then suddenly you get to an age where you can't 'pull off' looks any more because you're a bit too old for that, like growing out of Barbie dolls or cute nicknames. By then you're supposed to have already discovered yourself, and therefore your look, be it office vamp or designer label girl.
It troubled me. I tried to think what my soon-to-be-30 year old self was supposed to wear. Particularly what the unemployed look was all about. I tried to think about my identity and how I wanted to portray myself. Eek! I didn't have a clue! I am heading into neurotic territory now - wondering how one goes from 20-something to almost-30. Am I supposed to undergo some sort of transformation? Do I now need to reach for that anti-wrinkle cream? Just when are you supposed to start using that stuff anyway? Was my white skirt, summery top too 'young' for me? Does anyone else really care?
Luckily, most of the guys of my current acquaintance (and of course, haven't mostly worked in I.T most of my acquaintances are guys) are quite oblivious to this sort of thing. Men only seem to have two states of dress: smart and scruffy. At least, the men that I know are like this anyhow. I have read in magazines about all these other types akin to women such as Designer Label Man, Gadget Man, Poser Man, Smart-But-Sexy Man etc etc. Haven't ever met one though.
Still, I guess 2.30am really isn't the best time to be trying to get to the bottom of my new-found neurosis.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Life in the slow lane
Now while I am technically still employed, I am on garden leave until 30th April so I actually get paid to sit at home, browse the web and not watch daytime TV. Oh yeah :)
My last week at work was very strange. I wasn't allowed to write any code, told not to do any documentation, so I spent my days having long lunches and websurfing. Having all this time on my hands of course made me think more about my impending future and the uncertainty of it all and I had a momentary panic as I realised that I was heading into a new career without a single qualification or ounce of experience to my name.
Towards the end of last week, I gradually became more sad about leaving. All these people that I had met, worked and joked with for four years. I didn't particularly care about leaving the company, though the money was good. It was all about the friendships that I had built. At my leaving drinks on Thursday night, I was so unbelievably happy as so many people came to wish me goodbye and good luck. Even people who had been relocated to the Angel office travelled back to say hello. It seemed like I knew everyone in the bar, even my colleagues commented to me that it seemed as if the whole bank had turned up. (and so did I when I hit the initial bar tab limit after a mere 90 minutes). It made me so upset to think that I was leaving all of them behind.
So that was it. Friday at 6.30 I said goodbye to my 4 year stint in Finance IT. No more production releases. No more meetings. No more project plans and daily standups.
THANK GOD.
Right now I am sitting, no, lounging on the sofa at home feeling the most relaxed that I have done for a very very long time. That small knot of tension in my chest is noticably absent. I have no real plans for the day, or really for the rest of the week for that matter. I am going to chill out, catch up with friends and probably go back to the gym. Oh, and play Zelda on my new Wii. Man, being unemployed is tough :)
My last week at work was very strange. I wasn't allowed to write any code, told not to do any documentation, so I spent my days having long lunches and websurfing. Having all this time on my hands of course made me think more about my impending future and the uncertainty of it all and I had a momentary panic as I realised that I was heading into a new career without a single qualification or ounce of experience to my name.
Towards the end of last week, I gradually became more sad about leaving. All these people that I had met, worked and joked with for four years. I didn't particularly care about leaving the company, though the money was good. It was all about the friendships that I had built. At my leaving drinks on Thursday night, I was so unbelievably happy as so many people came to wish me goodbye and good luck. Even people who had been relocated to the Angel office travelled back to say hello. It seemed like I knew everyone in the bar, even my colleagues commented to me that it seemed as if the whole bank had turned up. (and so did I when I hit the initial bar tab limit after a mere 90 minutes). It made me so upset to think that I was leaving all of them behind.
So that was it. Friday at 6.30 I said goodbye to my 4 year stint in Finance IT. No more production releases. No more meetings. No more project plans and daily standups.
THANK GOD.
Right now I am sitting, no, lounging on the sofa at home feeling the most relaxed that I have done for a very very long time. That small knot of tension in my chest is noticably absent. I have no real plans for the day, or really for the rest of the week for that matter. I am going to chill out, catch up with friends and probably go back to the gym. Oh, and play Zelda on my new Wii. Man, being unemployed is tough :)
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
The end and the prologue
Everyone has been asking me for two days how I feel. How I feel now that I've resigned. Relieved? Excited?
And my answer has always been the same - I don't feel any different really to how I did last week. In some ways, I feel less excited because I no longer have the nervousness that I did. The anticipation of having to hand in my notice. Of trying to speculate the reaction of my managers, whether they would make me a counter-offer.
I have been surprised by the reactions I've had so far. My manager, and his manager told me how impressed they were. Impressed with my 'courageous' decision to leave the company with no job to go to - that I was looking to try my hand at something new and totally different, potentially a new career. They were encouraging and positive for me.
My colleagues, a mixture of disbelief (one still thinks I am winding him up), encouragement and maybe a touch of regret. My friends, bless them, have been so positive and proud of me :) My family, a combination I suppose. My dad thinks I'm stupid. My mum is encouraging but concerned about my fragile confidence (she has been warning me about not setting my expectations too high). And my boyfried, well, I'm not really too sure, if I were to be totally honest. I suspect that he is trying to keep me well balanced and level headed by asking me lots of very sensible questions. Sometimes though, I really wish he'd show just a tiny bit of pride, after all, I have just thrown away a very high paying IT job to pursue a career in patisserie! It takes quite a lot of guts to throw away that kind of money and security.
I'm vaguely aware that I feel rather tired. Mentally as well as physically. I think I need a short break to give me some time to think about my next move. To charge myself. Just need to wait until my end date is confirmed - and then there will be a new beginning...
And my answer has always been the same - I don't feel any different really to how I did last week. In some ways, I feel less excited because I no longer have the nervousness that I did. The anticipation of having to hand in my notice. Of trying to speculate the reaction of my managers, whether they would make me a counter-offer.
I have been surprised by the reactions I've had so far. My manager, and his manager told me how impressed they were. Impressed with my 'courageous' decision to leave the company with no job to go to - that I was looking to try my hand at something new and totally different, potentially a new career. They were encouraging and positive for me.
My colleagues, a mixture of disbelief (one still thinks I am winding him up), encouragement and maybe a touch of regret. My friends, bless them, have been so positive and proud of me :) My family, a combination I suppose. My dad thinks I'm stupid. My mum is encouraging but concerned about my fragile confidence (she has been warning me about not setting my expectations too high). And my boyfried, well, I'm not really too sure, if I were to be totally honest. I suspect that he is trying to keep me well balanced and level headed by asking me lots of very sensible questions. Sometimes though, I really wish he'd show just a tiny bit of pride, after all, I have just thrown away a very high paying IT job to pursue a career in patisserie! It takes quite a lot of guts to throw away that kind of money and security.
I'm vaguely aware that I feel rather tired. Mentally as well as physically. I think I need a short break to give me some time to think about my next move. To charge myself. Just need to wait until my end date is confirmed - and then there will be a new beginning...
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Year of the Pig
It is Chinese New Year on the 18th Feb. This year, it is the Year of the Pig.
According to this website my forecast for this year is as follows:
Overview
Your sign is Goat.
This is an interesting year in the dating world for Goats. It's likely with the influence from other stars, that you will be involved with a person either many years younger or older than you. Also, Goats appear to have a special magnetism this year, drawing attraction from many.
2007 is the year of the baby, at least for Goats. If you've been planning on adding to your family, this is an opportune time as 'a good tree brings forth good fruit,' and this is an exceptionally good year for childbirth! Beyond this, there are many other positives in the year ahead.
In the central Palace of your constellation, only one star, 'Star Hua Gai', is in residence. While this forlorn looking star may seem worrisome, there is nothing to fear! For you, Goat, this is one lucky year. As proof of this, many lucky stars can be seen all around your central Palace(central constellation). It appears you will have particularly good fortune before early Lunar May. Because of this, don't be afraid to be assertive in making your dreams and wishes come true. This is specifically true within the first couple of months, but later in the year you may have to alter your game plan.
Within this year, you will see the possibility of activity in many areas of your life. This could involve a new career, a new home, a new child, or even a new city to live in. Regardless, this year will be spent in anticipation of change. This is a very good thing for you, and will likely have a positive affect on your career luck. If you are in the traveler, retail, marketing, or shipping industries, then this will prove to be a very advantageous time.
According to this website my forecast for this year is as follows:
Overview
Your sign is Goat.
This is an interesting year in the dating world for Goats. It's likely with the influence from other stars, that you will be involved with a person either many years younger or older than you. Also, Goats appear to have a special magnetism this year, drawing attraction from many.
2007 is the year of the baby, at least for Goats. If you've been planning on adding to your family, this is an opportune time as 'a good tree brings forth good fruit,' and this is an exceptionally good year for childbirth! Beyond this, there are many other positives in the year ahead.
In the central Palace of your constellation, only one star, 'Star Hua Gai', is in residence. While this forlorn looking star may seem worrisome, there is nothing to fear! For you, Goat, this is one lucky year. As proof of this, many lucky stars can be seen all around your central Palace(central constellation). It appears you will have particularly good fortune before early Lunar May. Because of this, don't be afraid to be assertive in making your dreams and wishes come true. This is specifically true within the first couple of months, but later in the year you may have to alter your game plan.
Within this year, you will see the possibility of activity in many areas of your life. This could involve a new career, a new home, a new child, or even a new city to live in. Regardless, this year will be spent in anticipation of change. This is a very good thing for you, and will likely have a positive affect on your career luck. If you are in the traveler, retail, marketing, or shipping industries, then this will prove to be a very advantageous time.
Back on that mountain top
It's just a little before 6am on a Tuesday morning. I've been twisting and turning, unable to sleep since about 4.40am. Still jetlagged from my return from Hong Kong, all I can think about as I roll around is work so I decide to get up instead.
There is a small fluttery feeling in my stomach. Sometimes, this means that I'm hungry but I know that I'm not. I know in fact that it's a feeling of anticipation - of excitement.
I've always had this ability to know when to make decisions. Important ones. I have this instinct that tells me that the time is right and this can happen ever so suddenly. For the last 6 months at least, I have been waiting for this fluttery feeling, this moment in which I have clarity over what I must and want to do.
But it is not quite time. I cannot do anything for at least 2 months except prepare myself.
I've been at odds with myself over work for some time now. In the space of a year I have gone from being a tentative team leader of 4 to a more confident team leader of 10. I have handled interviews and resignations. Berated and praised. I am held in high esteem and assured of a good bonus this year (or so I have been told). Yet it's not enough. My pride forces me to work hard and do my job well but in my heart I know that I need and want more. I want a bigger challenge to rise to and not one that involves corporate politics.
2007 is to be the year of change for me. I can see the turning point on the horizon though it is still slightly faint right now. I feel very nervous. I am reminded a little of that moment when I sat on the mountain in St Anton, frightened and waiting for it to pass. It always does.
There is a small fluttery feeling in my stomach. Sometimes, this means that I'm hungry but I know that I'm not. I know in fact that it's a feeling of anticipation - of excitement.
I've always had this ability to know when to make decisions. Important ones. I have this instinct that tells me that the time is right and this can happen ever so suddenly. For the last 6 months at least, I have been waiting for this fluttery feeling, this moment in which I have clarity over what I must and want to do.
But it is not quite time. I cannot do anything for at least 2 months except prepare myself.
I've been at odds with myself over work for some time now. In the space of a year I have gone from being a tentative team leader of 4 to a more confident team leader of 10. I have handled interviews and resignations. Berated and praised. I am held in high esteem and assured of a good bonus this year (or so I have been told). Yet it's not enough. My pride forces me to work hard and do my job well but in my heart I know that I need and want more. I want a bigger challenge to rise to and not one that involves corporate politics.
2007 is to be the year of change for me. I can see the turning point on the horizon though it is still slightly faint right now. I feel very nervous. I am reminded a little of that moment when I sat on the mountain in St Anton, frightened and waiting for it to pass. It always does.
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