all other things bright and beautiful

I'm going to Sweden in January. I'm really looking forward to it. I'm going to be staying at the Ice Hotel which is built out of ice. It's going to be so beautiful.

Sometimes I think that my preoccupation with beauty comes from my firm belief that I have none. I worry that inside I am this black piece of coal. Inanimate and cold. The edges are white from where I have tried to stoke it. What use is a lump of dead coal?
I find it ironic that I have devoted half my life to trying to make people around me happy, but in actual fact what I seem to end up doing is making them unhappy.
On the outside I feel like a sponge. I soak up all the criticism and assumptions that people make about me. I don't try to wring it out and in the end it overflows.

Sometimes I try and think about what I consider to be my good points. I think that I'm a compassionate and caring person. I think that I am generous and considerate. So why is it that people accuse me of being selfish and cold?

Once, a friend of mine shouted at me in the street. He told me I was selfish, in front of everyone else I knew. I wanted to go in a different direction to him.
I didn't talk to him for six months. Is it because I hold grudges? No.
I don't think he ever did, nor will he ever understand why I ignored him. I will never mention it again. People who know me, know how easygoing I am. I am open-minded and reasonable. I try never to make blind judgements and I am pretty difficult to offend. But it's not impossible. It offends me when people make assumptions about me and why I do and say things. He had no idea what I was really like. The kind of person I really am. The self-sacrificing girl inside of me. The girl who is desperate for acceptance and recognition. So to me, for a person to call me selfish is someone who doesn't know me. And has just assumed that quality about me. It hurt me, to have that thrown in my face in public.

I know someone who would probably argue, saying that it's normal for people to form judgements and that I was probably giving the impression that I was being spoilt. Therefore it's perfectly acceptable for someone to assume that I was, if I didn't prove otherwise. I guess I don't work that way. I know that I should have my own reasons for the things that I do, and I believe that people should respect that - just like I respect that other people have their own personal reasons for their actions. It's not always obvious or black and white.

On days like this I feel alone. Surrounded by people I care about yet I feel like I might as well be on a different planet. That I'm a mere shadow - forgotten as easily as yesterdays sunset. Just like my tears. Tomorrow I will look back and think how silly I was to sit for so long in my depression. I'm trapped in a cage of my own making. My mind is a blur of thoughts - so scattered that I can barely formulate them into coherent sentences. And then it is empty - devoid of all emotion.

Some things are simple. Easy to understand and appreciate. That's what I know I will love about the Ice Hotel and my adventure there. Some things are just beautiful. It won't last forever but it doesn't matter because people will remember it forever.