When I'm alone, I like to watch romantic movies. Perhaps I do it because it takes away the loneliness. Or perhaps it's because that's when they work best.
When I was younger and used to spend a lot of time with my aunt (some 10 years ago before she got married), I used to wonder why she was 30 and still single. There were some quite obvious reasons, she has a sharp tongue and she's a fussy woman, but I decided it was because she'd indoctrined herself to have stupidly high standards and also to look for something that didn't happen.
She used to read a lot of Mills and Boon books. She had boxes of them, a standing order in fact. She'd lend them to me, and I wondered if she wasn't waiting for this dream guy to come and sweep her off her feet in real life. I understood perfectly well why she liked them. Despite their formulaic nature, they are almost like a sugar rush - the agonising wait for the protagonists to finally come to their senses and admit their undying love for each other. And then it does, and it's happily ever after and you can convince your aching heart that love really must exist in the world and that one day, it will happen to you.
These days I am a lot more cynical. I look at my uncle, the last person in my family to get married. Having had been (sort-of) heartbroken by a girl my age a couple of years ago, he gave in to the pressure of my grandparents and his own laziness to meeting women the conventional way, and married a girl 14 years his junior. They were introduced to each by family, matchmaking meddlers who had his best intentions at heart I guess. Yeah sure, he is now 34 and married, with a gorgeous little baby girl conceived a month into their marriage. Do I think they love each other? Hell no.
Do I believe that they will? Yeah probably. It's possible for love to develop over time, and in his case, even if it goes a bit wrong - she is unlikely to leave. My uncle is financially sound and will ensure her a very comfortable life. So what if she's barely 20?
I feel sorry for her though - to be married so soon without even having lived and loved properly. To have experienced the joy and pain of wanting to be with someone so badly and deeply. To think about them almost every waking moment of the day, and to drift off to sleep with them in your thoughts. To spend time with someone and relive those moments over and over when you are apart. To be constantly checking your phone or email for some sort of word from them and the feeling of elation when there is.
In the last few days I have wondered if that'll be the reason why I'll never be happy in my life. This need to feel touched, moved by love. That aching feeling inside my chest that makes breathing almost difficult. Is it possible to sustain this in a relationship?
I just finished watching a movie that made me both laugh and cry. It was a romance, and a comedy, and a bit of a drama. It's called My Sassy Girl Strangely, it was a guy who recommended it to me - a korean guy - presumably because he totally fancied the girl who plays the main character in it. It did fantastically well in both Korea and Hong Kong in 2001. And in fact, Dreamworks is in the process of remaking it.
It's a wonderful film that I was very touched by. So much so that I spent the latter half in tears - and some of that was from happiness. It's not often a movie can do that. I'm sitting here now listening to a beautiful variation of the Pachelbel's Canon in D by George Winston that was featured in the film. I'd love to be able to get the sheet music and learn to play it. This piece will probably always remind me of the film now.
I feel very lucky. I have the choice and the free will to be able to live my life the way that I think it should be lived. This year I chose to break up a four year relationship against the advice of some. My mum told me that women have to make sacrifices. That if you can find someone who loves you, it should be enough. My ex told me that if we broke up the life that I knew would fall apart. That I was giving everything up on a whim. A sensible compassionate voice in my head told me that I shouldn't watch so many romantic movies. But I couldn't ignore the ache in my heart. I believe in love. I can't help myself. If you can't be with someone who fills that gap - then why bother?
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Sunday, December 25, 2005
Merry Xmas
It's 2am. I've just left the kitchen.
Tomorrow, there will be 32 of us sitting down to dinner. We will be having shabu shabu, turkey, and god knows what else. Since 6pm this evening, I have been in the kitchen preparing food, salad, kneading dough and cooking. I'm exhausted and I haven't even finished. Tomorrow morning, we will have to get up early in order to be able to get the 2 turkeys into the oven by 9am. God help me. Next year I'm making sure that I am out of the country for Christmas. This isn't worth it.
Tomorrow, there will be 32 of us sitting down to dinner. We will be having shabu shabu, turkey, and god knows what else. Since 6pm this evening, I have been in the kitchen preparing food, salad, kneading dough and cooking. I'm exhausted and I haven't even finished. Tomorrow morning, we will have to get up early in order to be able to get the 2 turkeys into the oven by 9am. God help me. Next year I'm making sure that I am out of the country for Christmas. This isn't worth it.
Monday, December 19, 2005
chopstix
I never realised how hard it is to play the piano when you're slightly drunk.
Totally failed to go shopping after work today when I got summoned by a colleague who had started his Xmas holidays early. Having gone for Christmas lunch at 12pm, by 6pm he was still in the same pub only moved downstairs and all his drinking buddies had deserted him. Good judgement having deserted me momentarily, I went to join him and nearly 3 hours later I emerge to run home late for dinner with my parents. My parents luckily didn't even notice my slight drunkenness.
Usually I don't venture near my piano unless I'm feeling a bit depressed. But after stuffing my face at the dinner table I had this whimsical notion to play a few tunes on my poor piano :) I didn't embarrass myself too much :)))
I'm sitting now at my pc in my room. Still feeling drunk. There is a conversation going on on my doorstep about planning permission. Outside my room there is a game of boules going on. I'm ignoring everything except Royksopp filtering out of my stereo. And for once, I feel happy :)
Totally failed to go shopping after work today when I got summoned by a colleague who had started his Xmas holidays early. Having gone for Christmas lunch at 12pm, by 6pm he was still in the same pub only moved downstairs and all his drinking buddies had deserted him. Good judgement having deserted me momentarily, I went to join him and nearly 3 hours later I emerge to run home late for dinner with my parents. My parents luckily didn't even notice my slight drunkenness.
Usually I don't venture near my piano unless I'm feeling a bit depressed. But after stuffing my face at the dinner table I had this whimsical notion to play a few tunes on my poor piano :) I didn't embarrass myself too much :)))
I'm sitting now at my pc in my room. Still feeling drunk. There is a conversation going on on my doorstep about planning permission. Outside my room there is a game of boules going on. I'm ignoring everything except Royksopp filtering out of my stereo. And for once, I feel happy :)
Thursday, December 15, 2005
Monday, December 12, 2005
all other things bright and beautiful
I'm going to Sweden in January. I'm really looking forward to it. I'm going to be staying at the Ice Hotel which is built out of ice. It's going to be so beautiful.
Sometimes I think that my preoccupation with beauty comes from my firm belief that I have none. I worry that inside I am this black piece of coal. Inanimate and cold. The edges are white from where I have tried to stoke it. What use is a lump of dead coal?
I find it ironic that I have devoted half my life to trying to make people around me happy, but in actual fact what I seem to end up doing is making them unhappy.
On the outside I feel like a sponge. I soak up all the criticism and assumptions that people make about me. I don't try to wring it out and in the end it overflows.
Sometimes I try and think about what I consider to be my good points. I think that I'm a compassionate and caring person. I think that I am generous and considerate. So why is it that people accuse me of being selfish and cold?
Once, a friend of mine shouted at me in the street. He told me I was selfish, in front of everyone else I knew. I wanted to go in a different direction to him.
I didn't talk to him for six months. Is it because I hold grudges? No.
I don't think he ever did, nor will he ever understand why I ignored him. I will never mention it again. People who know me, know how easygoing I am. I am open-minded and reasonable. I try never to make blind judgements and I am pretty difficult to offend. But it's not impossible. It offends me when people make assumptions about me and why I do and say things. He had no idea what I was really like. The kind of person I really am. The self-sacrificing girl inside of me. The girl who is desperate for acceptance and recognition. So to me, for a person to call me selfish is someone who doesn't know me. And has just assumed that quality about me. It hurt me, to have that thrown in my face in public.
I know someone who would probably argue, saying that it's normal for people to form judgements and that I was probably giving the impression that I was being spoilt. Therefore it's perfectly acceptable for someone to assume that I was, if I didn't prove otherwise. I guess I don't work that way. I know that I should have my own reasons for the things that I do, and I believe that people should respect that - just like I respect that other people have their own personal reasons for their actions. It's not always obvious or black and white.
On days like this I feel alone. Surrounded by people I care about yet I feel like I might as well be on a different planet. That I'm a mere shadow - forgotten as easily as yesterdays sunset. Just like my tears. Tomorrow I will look back and think how silly I was to sit for so long in my depression. I'm trapped in a cage of my own making. My mind is a blur of thoughts - so scattered that I can barely formulate them into coherent sentences. And then it is empty - devoid of all emotion.
Some things are simple. Easy to understand and appreciate. That's what I know I will love about the Ice Hotel and my adventure there. Some things are just beautiful. It won't last forever but it doesn't matter because people will remember it forever.
Sometimes I think that my preoccupation with beauty comes from my firm belief that I have none. I worry that inside I am this black piece of coal. Inanimate and cold. The edges are white from where I have tried to stoke it. What use is a lump of dead coal?
I find it ironic that I have devoted half my life to trying to make people around me happy, but in actual fact what I seem to end up doing is making them unhappy.
On the outside I feel like a sponge. I soak up all the criticism and assumptions that people make about me. I don't try to wring it out and in the end it overflows.
Sometimes I try and think about what I consider to be my good points. I think that I'm a compassionate and caring person. I think that I am generous and considerate. So why is it that people accuse me of being selfish and cold?
Once, a friend of mine shouted at me in the street. He told me I was selfish, in front of everyone else I knew. I wanted to go in a different direction to him.
I didn't talk to him for six months. Is it because I hold grudges? No.
I don't think he ever did, nor will he ever understand why I ignored him. I will never mention it again. People who know me, know how easygoing I am. I am open-minded and reasonable. I try never to make blind judgements and I am pretty difficult to offend. But it's not impossible. It offends me when people make assumptions about me and why I do and say things. He had no idea what I was really like. The kind of person I really am. The self-sacrificing girl inside of me. The girl who is desperate for acceptance and recognition. So to me, for a person to call me selfish is someone who doesn't know me. And has just assumed that quality about me. It hurt me, to have that thrown in my face in public.
I know someone who would probably argue, saying that it's normal for people to form judgements and that I was probably giving the impression that I was being spoilt. Therefore it's perfectly acceptable for someone to assume that I was, if I didn't prove otherwise. I guess I don't work that way. I know that I should have my own reasons for the things that I do, and I believe that people should respect that - just like I respect that other people have their own personal reasons for their actions. It's not always obvious or black and white.
On days like this I feel alone. Surrounded by people I care about yet I feel like I might as well be on a different planet. That I'm a mere shadow - forgotten as easily as yesterdays sunset. Just like my tears. Tomorrow I will look back and think how silly I was to sit for so long in my depression. I'm trapped in a cage of my own making. My mind is a blur of thoughts - so scattered that I can barely formulate them into coherent sentences. And then it is empty - devoid of all emotion.
Some things are simple. Easy to understand and appreciate. That's what I know I will love about the Ice Hotel and my adventure there. Some things are just beautiful. It won't last forever but it doesn't matter because people will remember it forever.
Friday, December 09, 2005
Tick tock
I'm sitting at my desk after a night out. It's not late - far too sensible for that these days. Good thing too, as I have a 10am meeting tomorrow morning.
I'm listening to a preview of Madonna's new album. It's great - I must remember to buy it. She is such an inspiration to me. She seems like a totally focussed lady, and I could do to learn from that. I've been sitting idly thinking about my own life, and how I seem to cruise along. I'm not convinced that's the best thing to do. I mean, I have great faith in my instincts, and it's worked for me so far. But I think that time is running out a little and I need to work out what I want from life. Whether it's about careers or relationships, I really think that I've had long enough of just 'trying' things out.
Sometimes I stop and think, shit, at my age (26) my parents had already had me. I was nearly 5 when my mum was 26. I am nowhere near marriage or children. I'm not even convinced that I've found my career in life. It's all very well being a developer and seeming to do very well at it but I'm sure that I wasn't meant for this job. I hate it for a start :)
I keep having these dreams about elephants. In the 3 weeks I've been back from Thailand I've had four dreams about elephants. And every time they are baby ones. My friends have just told me that it means that my biological clock is ticking and that the dreams are overt reminders. This worries me even more :) Whatever can it mean??? Everywhere around me I am getting weird pregnancy omens. Documentaries I watch, movies I see, friends and colleagues. Even tonight, one of my friends announced she was 3 months pregnant. Eek!
I'm listening to a preview of Madonna's new album. It's great - I must remember to buy it. She is such an inspiration to me. She seems like a totally focussed lady, and I could do to learn from that. I've been sitting idly thinking about my own life, and how I seem to cruise along. I'm not convinced that's the best thing to do. I mean, I have great faith in my instincts, and it's worked for me so far. But I think that time is running out a little and I need to work out what I want from life. Whether it's about careers or relationships, I really think that I've had long enough of just 'trying' things out.
Sometimes I stop and think, shit, at my age (26) my parents had already had me. I was nearly 5 when my mum was 26. I am nowhere near marriage or children. I'm not even convinced that I've found my career in life. It's all very well being a developer and seeming to do very well at it but I'm sure that I wasn't meant for this job. I hate it for a start :)
I keep having these dreams about elephants. In the 3 weeks I've been back from Thailand I've had four dreams about elephants. And every time they are baby ones. My friends have just told me that it means that my biological clock is ticking and that the dreams are overt reminders. This worries me even more :) Whatever can it mean??? Everywhere around me I am getting weird pregnancy omens. Documentaries I watch, movies I see, friends and colleagues. Even tonight, one of my friends announced she was 3 months pregnant. Eek!
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