Glimmer of light

On this crisp autumn morning I sit and contemplate my future as I savour the taste of Tetley's in a bone china cup. The caffeine does wonders for the slight feeling of fatigue after waking up at 8am - some 4 hours earlier than normal.

It has been now, 5 months since I resigned from my job at a famous 5 star hotel in London. I could not have expected that 5 months on I would be jobless, and, worse still, incapacitated in such a way. The last 3 months have possibly been the most painful in my life, both physically and mentally. Since waking up one day with a strange dull backache, I have gone through a rollercoaster of pain and frustration. The inability to walk, to do the simplest of things such as cooking, tidying up, the nights of lying awake and writhing in agony. Wondering constantly - why me? How can it be, at my age when I'm not even 30? Fears about whether I'd ever recover, be able to do normal things again, like going to the shops, like having dinner in a restaurant. I've been a prisoner in my home for weeks on end. Hearing the diagnosis of a herniated disc from my GP was both a relief, and dismaying news. Surely that only happens to old people? More weeks go by. I purchase a stick to help me walk as the pain shooting down my leg makes standing or walking unbearable. I go through a yo-yo period of good days and bad days. Every good day brings me hope of self recovery. Then the bad days make me feel depressed.

Finally I decide to see a specialist. He recommends physiotherapy. And stronger drugs. He is optimistic. He tells me that most people recover within 12 weeks, and that I'd only suffered for 7. Great. Still, it is a glimmer of hope.

The physiotherapist is like an angel from heaven. She tuts when she sees me, this poor broken body bent sideways in the middle from compensating too much for the pain. She tells me that I am no longer allowed to sit down, but have to lie down. I am not allowed to go out walking. I am not allowed to carry shopping bags. I am not allowed to bend, lift, carry, do housework. I lie on the bed having my back stretched by a machine and contemplate this. Finally, I have a real treatment programme which will help me recover. All those things I want to be able to do will re-emerge back into my life if I behave myself like a good patient. I was very cheerful when I went home that day.

It is now 3 weeks later, and the pain has diminished to an uncomfortable tightness in my leg, a slight pinch in my hip. My back feels a bit stiff but I have a new exercise to do to help with that. I can walk around and feel vaguely normal. I can sit! I feel optimistic today, despite my concerns for my big plans for the future. All those dreams of starting my own business, it can wait. Right now, I dream only of being able to go out and have a nice meal somewhere out there in the big world with my boyfriend. Not long now.