On this crisp autumn morning I sit and contemplate my future as I savour the taste of Tetley's in a bone china cup. The caffeine does wonders for the slight feeling of fatigue after waking up at 8am - some 4 hours earlier than normal.
It has been now, 5 months since I resigned from my job at a famous 5 star hotel in London. I could not have expected that 5 months on I would be jobless, and, worse still, incapacitated in such a way. The last 3 months have possibly been the most painful in my life, both physically and mentally. Since waking up one day with a strange dull backache, I have gone through a rollercoaster of pain and frustration. The inability to walk, to do the simplest of things such as cooking, tidying up, the nights of lying awake and writhing in agony. Wondering constantly - why me? How can it be, at my age when I'm not even 30? Fears about whether I'd ever recover, be able to do normal things again, like going to the shops, like having dinner in a restaurant. I've been a prisoner in my home for weeks on end. Hearing the diagnosis of a herniated disc from my GP was both a relief, and dismaying news. Surely that only happens to old people? More weeks go by. I purchase a stick to help me walk as the pain shooting down my leg makes standing or walking unbearable. I go through a yo-yo period of good days and bad days. Every good day brings me hope of self recovery. Then the bad days make me feel depressed.
Finally I decide to see a specialist. He recommends physiotherapy. And stronger drugs. He is optimistic. He tells me that most people recover within 12 weeks, and that I'd only suffered for 7. Great. Still, it is a glimmer of hope.
The physiotherapist is like an angel from heaven. She tuts when she sees me, this poor broken body bent sideways in the middle from compensating too much for the pain. She tells me that I am no longer allowed to sit down, but have to lie down. I am not allowed to go out walking. I am not allowed to carry shopping bags. I am not allowed to bend, lift, carry, do housework. I lie on the bed having my back stretched by a machine and contemplate this. Finally, I have a real treatment programme which will help me recover. All those things I want to be able to do will re-emerge back into my life if I behave myself like a good patient. I was very cheerful when I went home that day.
It is now 3 weeks later, and the pain has diminished to an uncomfortable tightness in my leg, a slight pinch in my hip. My back feels a bit stiff but I have a new exercise to do to help with that. I can walk around and feel vaguely normal. I can sit! I feel optimistic today, despite my concerns for my big plans for the future. All those dreams of starting my own business, it can wait. Right now, I dream only of being able to go out and have a nice meal somewhere out there in the big world with my boyfriend. Not long now.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Oubliette
Sometimes I think, that if it were really true that certain fish only remember the last 30 seconds, that it might be nice to live that life.
True, it might be that a human life would be quite meaningless. After all, what is the point in striving for anything, if it's forgotten in an instant? Yet on the other hand, it would spare one from the pain of the past. You would truly live for the moment, ever looking forward.
It seems now, in this technological age that everything is recorded somehow, somewhere. Our thoughts, our actions, digital snapshots of our past, sitting somewhere forever. I used to welcome the great evolution of photo taking. Digital cameras, amazing, now I can store those pictures on my computer to pull out whenever I want to. Yet as time goes on some of those memories become painful, reminders of a different time of my life and all the things that have come after. This picture I take today, will it one day become a painful memory?
That place on my computer where my photos live, where they have lived for a long time, is somewhere I don't go. The photos are stored by date, rather than by label. Dates don't have such firm links in the mind.
It makes me sad to think of these things. And yet I can't seem to help myself.
True, it might be that a human life would be quite meaningless. After all, what is the point in striving for anything, if it's forgotten in an instant? Yet on the other hand, it would spare one from the pain of the past. You would truly live for the moment, ever looking forward.
It seems now, in this technological age that everything is recorded somehow, somewhere. Our thoughts, our actions, digital snapshots of our past, sitting somewhere forever. I used to welcome the great evolution of photo taking. Digital cameras, amazing, now I can store those pictures on my computer to pull out whenever I want to. Yet as time goes on some of those memories become painful, reminders of a different time of my life and all the things that have come after. This picture I take today, will it one day become a painful memory?
That place on my computer where my photos live, where they have lived for a long time, is somewhere I don't go. The photos are stored by date, rather than by label. Dates don't have such firm links in the mind.
It makes me sad to think of these things. And yet I can't seem to help myself.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Retrospective
I woke up this morning feeling like I was a different person. Clearer of mind, at peace with something, though I couldn't quite put my finger on what.
Right now as I sit here, I feel like a fog has disappeared from my entire head. My sight seems keener, my senses sharper. As I walked along the road the sun seemed to be brighter than normal (though this isn't that surprising since it's been very misty of late) and I felt happy. And not only this, but the words have returned to me. I feel like I've had a long period of writers block and suddenly, within my own head I can express myself once again.
In five and a half days I will be starting my new job in my new career. It's been ten months since I quit my job in finance IT and today, I find myself reflecting on that period of time. The things I have done, decided, and thought about. I've come a long way in those months and it's been a turbulent journey, at least, in my head it has.
On the face of it, I have been more relaxed and happy than I have in many years. The stress and frustration of a job that I ultimately didn't enjoy, but still wanted to excel at lifted from my shoulders immediately. I found my own smile again. My cheerful self. Was I good at my job? The bank seemed to think so. Was it good for me? I don't think so. But the honeymoon period didn't last for long. There is only so long you can tell yourself that you deserve a rest before the uncertainty of your future sets in and casts a grey shadow over your leisure. It marked the start of a rollercoaster of emotions.
High notes:
Low notes:
It has been so easy to share in all the good things with people. The enthusiasm, the optimism. And yet, I have spent a lot of time in solitude comtemplating the things that weren't so easy to voice. Things that I couldn't share. Life has taught me that to inspire others' confidence in you, you have to demonstrate great confidence in yourself. From other people's perspective, I must have been having a great time, long lie-ins, nothing to do and nowhere to be. I could do as I please and had nothing to stress about. And yet the more time you have, the more you spend thinking about things you probably shouldn't.
In a few days time I will rejoin the world of work and responsibility. I will be able to prove to myself whether I made the right decision in pursuing happiness over money. I trust in my instincts, it's done good so far..
Right now as I sit here, I feel like a fog has disappeared from my entire head. My sight seems keener, my senses sharper. As I walked along the road the sun seemed to be brighter than normal (though this isn't that surprising since it's been very misty of late) and I felt happy. And not only this, but the words have returned to me. I feel like I've had a long period of writers block and suddenly, within my own head I can express myself once again.
In five and a half days I will be starting my new job in my new career. It's been ten months since I quit my job in finance IT and today, I find myself reflecting on that period of time. The things I have done, decided, and thought about. I've come a long way in those months and it's been a turbulent journey, at least, in my head it has.
On the face of it, I have been more relaxed and happy than I have in many years. The stress and frustration of a job that I ultimately didn't enjoy, but still wanted to excel at lifted from my shoulders immediately. I found my own smile again. My cheerful self. Was I good at my job? The bank seemed to think so. Was it good for me? I don't think so. But the honeymoon period didn't last for long. There is only so long you can tell yourself that you deserve a rest before the uncertainty of your future sets in and casts a grey shadow over your leisure. It marked the start of a rollercoaster of emotions.
High notes:
- Having the most fun ever on my course, doing something I loved and had great interest in
- Having the freedom of time
- Meeting new people and discovering I'm not alone in wanting to pursue a new career
- Being able to catch up with friends
- Being able to sort out the rest of my life eg finances
- Feeling relaxed and rested most of the time
- Experiencing new things
Low notes:
- Starting to worry about money and spending
- Boredom (after a while)
- Feeling like I had no chances of finding a job
- Frustration at losing my sense of financial independence
- Worries that I wasn't good enough
- Ebbs of low confidence in general
- Feeling a bit excluded from all I used to know, the dislocation of living life in a slightly difference pace
- Feeling like I wasn't doing anything worthwhile and that I should be
- Worries of not being able to meet my own expectations
It has been so easy to share in all the good things with people. The enthusiasm, the optimism. And yet, I have spent a lot of time in solitude comtemplating the things that weren't so easy to voice. Things that I couldn't share. Life has taught me that to inspire others' confidence in you, you have to demonstrate great confidence in yourself. From other people's perspective, I must have been having a great time, long lie-ins, nothing to do and nowhere to be. I could do as I please and had nothing to stress about. And yet the more time you have, the more you spend thinking about things you probably shouldn't.
In a few days time I will rejoin the world of work and responsibility. I will be able to prove to myself whether I made the right decision in pursuing happiness over money. I trust in my instincts, it's done good so far..
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