Right now as I sit here, I feel like a fog has disappeared from my entire head. My sight seems keener, my senses sharper. As I walked along the road the sun seemed to be brighter than normal (though this isn't that surprising since it's been very misty of late) and I felt happy. And not only this, but the words have returned to me. I feel like I've had a long period of writers block and suddenly, within my own head I can express myself once again.
In five and a half days I will be starting my new job in my new career. It's been ten months since I quit my job in finance IT and today, I find myself reflecting on that period of time. The things I have done, decided, and thought about. I've come a long way in those months and it's been a turbulent journey, at least, in my head it has.
On the face of it, I have been more relaxed and happy than I have in many years. The stress and frustration of a job that I ultimately didn't enjoy, but still wanted to excel at lifted from my shoulders immediately. I found my own smile again. My cheerful self. Was I good at my job? The bank seemed to think so. Was it good for me? I don't think so. But the honeymoon period didn't last for long. There is only so long you can tell yourself that you deserve a rest before the uncertainty of your future sets in and casts a grey shadow over your leisure. It marked the start of a rollercoaster of emotions.
High notes:
- Having the most fun ever on my course, doing something I loved and had great interest in
- Having the freedom of time
- Meeting new people and discovering I'm not alone in wanting to pursue a new career
- Being able to catch up with friends
- Being able to sort out the rest of my life eg finances
- Feeling relaxed and rested most of the time
- Experiencing new things
Low notes:
- Starting to worry about money and spending
- Boredom (after a while)
- Feeling like I had no chances of finding a job
- Frustration at losing my sense of financial independence
- Worries that I wasn't good enough
- Ebbs of low confidence in general
- Feeling a bit excluded from all I used to know, the dislocation of living life in a slightly difference pace
- Feeling like I wasn't doing anything worthwhile and that I should be
- Worries of not being able to meet my own expectations
It has been so easy to share in all the good things with people. The enthusiasm, the optimism. And yet, I have spent a lot of time in solitude comtemplating the things that weren't so easy to voice. Things that I couldn't share. Life has taught me that to inspire others' confidence in you, you have to demonstrate great confidence in yourself. From other people's perspective, I must have been having a great time, long lie-ins, nothing to do and nowhere to be. I could do as I please and had nothing to stress about. And yet the more time you have, the more you spend thinking about things you probably shouldn't.
In a few days time I will rejoin the world of work and responsibility. I will be able to prove to myself whether I made the right decision in pursuing happiness over money. I trust in my instincts, it's done good so far..
